The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey everyone I'm brand new to Al Anon, and new to this group. My spouse is an alcoholic. I feel pretty empty right now, because it hurts too much to feel - so I guess feeling empty is good. I know I'm not perfect, and I make alot of mistakes. I know that there were problems in our relationship waaaaaaaay before she told me (about three weeks ago) that she is an alcoholic. However, I feel that every mistake I make is racked up against me, and I fall into this awful and stupid funk of self pity and despair. I know I have a long way to go in terms of changing my own behavior, and I'm taking steps towards healing and responsibility. But today's just a bad day. It's a really bad day, and I don't know who to turn to.
I'm glad I found this site. Thanks for "hearing" me out.
Glad you found us - this site is a lifesaver. Living with an alcoholic is just too hard to do all on your own. I remember once coming here, in despair at all the blame my A was heaping on my head, and someone said, "Hon, blaming us is what they DO, of course he blames you." For some reaosn I found so much comfort in that - instead of it being one man finding reason to blame one woman for all that was wrong in their lives, it was just a symptom of a disease. Nothing personal, and not my fault.
Oh, I hear you there. Everything is my fault and nothing I do is enough. I work two jobs (60 hours a week) and get criticized for not being around enough ("What am I supposed to do while you're out all the time?") Then there's the money. I could give him a thousand dollars and that wouldn't be enough. I can't stand it anymore.
I hear you clearly. I know that I'm not a saint, and that I can be a downright rhymes-with-witch. But it just feels like I'm being set apart as the only one who is being manipulative, hurtful, angry, etc. Oh, I do engage in that behavior - I certainly own that, and I got angry today, but darnit, it's always what *I've* done wrong - how *I* manipulate her - how selfish *I* am. I do not hear the same admission from her, nor do I expect to. I should mention that I'm a second year seminarian, but it's nothing like working 60 hours at two jobs, turtle. I too get criticized for not being around, for not making her a priority. Thank you for sharing and for replying, turtle
The depth of my anger amazes me. I didn't know I was capable of such rage and I say the most horrible things. It's as though some hideous demon has taken control of me and spews out venom daily. I try to control myself, but to no avail. I know there's no reasoning with an addict - when he needs it, he needs it and doesn't hear a word I say. Still, after living with this man for ten years, I am not used to the person he is when he is in this state. It's the needing that is ugly, not the actual aftermath when he is back to his usual state. Then I am left with the echoes of my hurtful and hateful words, which are gnawing at my soul.
I can't speak for everyone, but coming from a family of alcoholics, I believe that though I am not alcoholic I do take on the emotional traits of one, ie., swift anger, remorse, self hate and despair, etc. It's a really screwed up cycle that I can see clearly, yet I find myself stumbling over the same obstacles. I always feel as though I'm disappointing my Higher Power when I screw up.
Today was a bad day, but it's nearly over. Tomorrow, I'll wake up and go to the local meeting in my town at ten a.m.
I like the poem, "Just for Today" for many reasons, but tonight I like this verse for it's encouragement:
Just for today I will strengthen my mind I will study. I will learn something useful. I will not be a mental loafer. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
I will fulfill this part of the promise to myself. I've got alot of reading to do and a paper due for school, so I'd better get on it.
Thank you turtle, and lin0606. I thank God for your fellowship and compassion.
I have been feeling terribly raw lately. The pain of the last year is catching up with me. I find it overwhelming. I know what it is to shut down when you have to deal with that stuff.
Yesterday I had a huge flashback of how hard last January was and it was all downhill from there. I was like on a slippery rock all the time.The stress of it was tremendous.
I just have to give it to God the pain is absolutely totally overwhelming.
Turtle your post about the depth of your anger really hit home for me.
I left my A because I was going to kill him. I really was- I had not planned it out but knew if there was any kind of odd opportunity I would have gone for it in a heartbeat- all the blaming, yelling, complaining, criticism and correcting and arguing- I could not take it anymore.
And it was like- who is this murderous person (ME)??!! I had no idea I was capable of hurting anyone or anything. But you know what- it got that bad. I actually thought the best way to solve my problem was to spend the rest of my life in an orange jumpsuit in jail. THAT was when I finally could see I WAS NUTS and needed help. That was my rock bottom. I needed a power greater than myself to restore me to sanity. I knew at that point that my life was far beyond unmanageable. I left.
Its been 2 years now. I have unearthed a great deal and now I can honestly say that the monster in me truly led me back into the light- through this program and other practices that I participate in. I now thank that monster, if you can believe it. I needed to put the focus on me and my own recovery and get help. I am just as sick as the A is and I need a program REALLY BADLY. This one has worked well for me and I am grateful for it. Keep coming back, hugs, J.
redrelic, First, welcome to MIP. It gets better from here :) I'm amused that your alcoholic admits that she is a alcoholic. That's actually pretty rare. They usually deny it to the last breathe.
All the things that that she is accusing you of are pretty classic. If she continues to accuse you, it takes the focus off of her and her shortcomings. Alcoholics very often make accusations of the very things they are guilty of. Alcoholism is a very selfish, self indulgant disease.
You don't have to attend the fight or react to the spewed venom. You'll never win in the normal sense of the word. How we win is to not engage. We walk away or leave, find something else to busy our minds, anything but hear that stuff. It makes them mad but eventually they figure out you just aren't going to listen when they speak in that manner.
I can bet it wouldn't make a difference if you made her priority or not. Is that her excuse for drinking? No one causes anyone to drink. It's internal. I have been through some pretty horrendous things in my life and managed to get through it w/o anything or anyone turning me in to an alcoholic. So, don't take on that guilt. She is fully responsible for her drinking and choosing not to seek help.
Your HP is not dissapointed in you, he knows you aren't perfect and he knows you aren't Mother Teresa!. You're seeking help. We're here to learn and you're learning. Easy does it :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Your topic really hit home! I just found this site today and I've been doing a lot of reading. I feel like I am searching for a simple answer and a way out without all the conflict. As I am the co-dependant that keeps everyone happy, at the price of herself. My husband denies he has a problem, that is just "labeling" that we do. "If we lived in Europe, this would never be an issue because drinking is commonplace." I am not a very "public" person...I keep the pretty picture for everyone else to see (and build a lot of walls to hide the scary/painful parts). I get blamed for most things, which has eaten at my self-esteem, and I am tired! I don't like who I am around him, and I don't like my child exposed to this "unhealthy" environment. I see an intervention coming with an ultimatum (which he tends not to do well with), and that is so "not me."
