Just joined to relate - Al-Anon Family Group

jmh137 · Member

Just joined to relate

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, alanon is the place, welcome. There are many people here who share your pain.

I also urge you to find a face to face meeting nearby - online is good, but real life is better. Nothing like speaking the truth to another human being to make it slide from your shoulders, and you can tell the truth at alanon.

round3 · Senior Member

Welcome JMH. You will find many here (as well as in face to face al-anon meetings) who have been/are in your shoes. May you find strength, comfort, and hope. You're not alone in this.
Peace,
R3

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome jhm to MIP! You have come to the right place. I have learned alot here. Experience, strength and hope form other members. Your story is ours. Can you go to a face to face meeting too? Helps me. Also, I load myself up with Alanon literature. Keep coming back.

In support,
Nancy

turtle · Member

I'm new today as well. I didn't know where else to turn, and figured at least I could read other peoples' experiences and know that I'm not alone in this. Situation being my AH has been in relapse for two weeks, drained the bank account and nearly got arrested. He's trying to get into detox (calling twice a day) and I'm powerless to do anything. I am completely wrecked with fear and feeling hopeless and helpless. I've been to al-anon before and have been clean and sober myself for 18 years (met him in AA). Just wanted to introduce myself.

jmh137 · Member

Thank you for the replies. I don't have Al-Anon meetings in my county. I have went to another city to go to them. Last night as I was reading (the Al-Anon book) it dawned on me that I could join an Al-Anon forum. I want a way (any way) to relate to others. I liked going to the face to face meetings, but it is not possible to do so at the time. Again thank you for your replies. My loved one is in jail at the present time. I not only want help to deal with it, but I want to help others if God is willing. If anyone has any ideas of how I could be of help let me know please. Thanks!!!

jmh137

jmh137 · Member

Turtle,

I just wanted to say that I'm glad we are new together. Somehow when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel we are in, the hope that lies deep within our beings comes to surface. I do not think it is an accident that we are here together in this moment in time. Take heart. This too shall pass.

jmh137

turtle · Member

Yup, I've learned that God works in mysterious ways. That's all that sustains me right now. A is a wonderful man with a disease. He was clean when I met him and remained so until two years ago when he had several surgeries stretched out over three months. The doc gave him some narcotics and that's when the nightmare began. He started with the pills and progressed to street drugs. Finally, he got into treatment and was doing fine when he had another unrelated surgery. Despite my talking to the doctors, he was given narcotics in the hospital and off we went. He got back into detox and was taking suboxone, which worked great. After six months, he thought he was well enough to stop. He wasn't, and within two weeks, he was back at it. That was two weeks ago and this is the worst he's ever been. He's contrite, though, and knows he needs help (never threatens me or anything) and the odd thing is that when he's using, he's "normal."

I'm more than ready for this to end. Glad we came in together.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, come on in. You are most welcome. You've managed to find a place where the members are "family", and understand your plight. Please feel free to join in any time.

Diva

jmh137 · Member

Turtle,

I don't want you to think that I want to trade hard luck stories. However, if you only knew how much it means to me to be able to talk about this.

My son apparently (others have told me) has a terrible drinking problem, and when he drinks, drugs go hand in hand. Those being mostly cocaine and the such. Really every known drug (some I didn't even know about) and believe me I know about the drug scene too. Once he told me about the things he had done and I couldn't believe it. You can't tell with him either. Most of the time he acts normal. And...I don't or can't believe anything he says. Not, long ago he told me that he (everyday) was working towards two 5ths of whiskey. Now that sounds like it will kill a person to me. As I said before, he is in jail right now. Which is probably where he has to be to stay alive.

Well, I have to go for now, but you and the others have made my day better. I'll check in later.

jmh137

turtle · Member

Sometimes I almost wish my husband would get arrested. That way, he would be immediately taken to detox and might get some help. I shouldn't even vocalize this, but it's how I feel today.

jmh137 · Member

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so desperate right now. I know that there are few words that can console during these dark days of yours.

I have depression and chronic guilt over every thing. So it is bothering me that earlier this week when I talked to my son, when he said (from the jail phone) he would talk to me later and that he loved us, I didn't say that I loved him back. I was having a very rough day that day (Thursday). My thoughts were that words are cheap. I'm not judging him. I have had much sin in my life. But, I have been going through with him being in trouble since he was a young teenager. He is now 25. A person just grows weary; you know? Also I feel as if his attitude is not right at all.

I know that many dark days will surely lie ahead of me, but today, I thank God that I came here. It feels really good to talk about it.

I will pray for you and your husband, turtle. Don't lose hope. In saying these words to you I am also preaching to myself.

jmh137

turtle · Member

Thank you... you have no idea how much this means to me. I pray constantly and feel almost forsaken at times. But I know that God answers our prayers in His time, not ours and that I can't lose faith. Without faith, I couldn't get up in the morning. Even with faith, I feel as though I am sinking into quicksand and can't get out - like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Right now, all I want is for him to get into detox and maybe a 30-day rehab. He hasn't been to rehab, the counselors felt he could do this in a day-treatment program, but I think he needs to get away from all of this (me included) and focus on his recovery. His being in a rehab would be rehabilitating for me as well. At least I wouldn't have the daily stress of his having to get his drugs and worrying about him overdosing, etc. I need the time to heal myself.

jmh137 · Member

turtle,

My son went to rehab for 28 days (I think it was). I would go to see him on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Sundays (family day). I had hope then. Even then though, the counselors would say that there is a 95% rate of relapse. Almost everyone he was there with did relapse, of course, including him.

There is a lot of talk about "enabling." I had never heard the term, let alone what it meant. I finally figured out that I was not the enabler in his situation. You see, my son had worked six years as a manager at a food establishment. He never asked me for anything, like you hear that so many of them do. They milk you for money and in many ways take advantage. He didn't. My mother was probably his enabler more than anyone. I guess our situation is very different from others. Still, he continues to kill himself when not in jail. To tell you the truth, I wonder if when he serves out his sentence, it will make any difference. He has his mind-set and you can't get in there to show him anything. We have talked for years. That's why I feel that I must quit talking, period. I guess that I'm bitter. I know that I will in time work through it. It is only hurting myself and no one else. I need the Lord, to show me what to do. Like you, I have prayed for many years. I have been in a valley that started long before he got into trouble again. I don't know what I will do. But today has been a fairly good day, and I have you to thank for much of that.

I know how it must hurt you because your husband has been handed this cup to bear, which means that you have been too. Still somehow we must find hope, if in nothing else we must find comfort in each others words.

jmh137

turtle · Member

You're lucky that he wasn't constantly hitting you up for cash. It's unbearable for me. I have no peace... I'm either waiting for him to ask or screaming at him when he does. He managed to get my bank card (I'd cut his up) and pretty much cleaned us out last week. Then, my main pay check was held up (I'm a contract employee) and we have about $40.

My problem is that if I don't give him money, he won't let up on me, following me around the house, interupting me when I work (I work at home at night) and badgering me until I give in. Now that we don't have anything left, he's still asking and I have nothing to give. I brought back cans and bottles this afternoon so I'd have gas money to get to work on Monday.

The only blessing in all of this is his desire to get some treatment. He is contrite and even when he's in the middle of the insanity, will look at me and shake his head and say he's sorry. I know he is.

Why don't I just kick him to the curb? I think in some ways, I'm afraid to. If he had no source for money, I know he'd get back in here (he's remodeled this entire house and knows every inch of it) and start selling stuff. So, I feel as though I'm protecting myself by letting him stay if that makes any sense. Maybe that's deluded, I don't know, but it makes sense to me!

Once he's been to rehab and I've had a break, I think we can talk about where we go from here. There's been so much damage done to this relationship, I don't know if it can survive. I'm not sure I can trust that he won't relapse again and I know I can't go through this again.

ETA: Wow, I haven't talked about any of this, and I can't believe how much better I feel just verbalizing the hell I've been living in. Sorry to go on and on, but this has all built up and I really needed to get it out. I know I need to go to a real meeting, but for now, this is working for me.

-- Edited by turtle at 18:34, 2008-02-09

jmh137 · Member

Oh sweetie,

I hate it for you. I understand about being afraid that he will still be able and know how to get inside. You are living in total fear. Not only do you have to worry about the money situation, but many fears belong to you. I understand. Some people might say that you should take the risk, but my mind, like yours, I'm sure, thinks about this thing from every angle. All the what ifs can flat drive a person crazy. You need some peace. Peace of mind is truly priceless.

hold on,
jmh137

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

Many many many of us can definitely understand the issue of despair, being overwhelmed and lost as a result of another's addcition. Last year my boyfriend of 7 years totally lost it, he crashed cars, stole money, did crimes, was homeless penilless and ill. That experience nearly destroyed me. I came to these rooms often crying and angry and lost. I got a tremendous amount of solace here. Eventually over time I left the A. My life has been really really really hard since. I have bare necessities of life. I have nothing. I lost so much.

I leaned tremendously heavily on this room. I came here on the hour some days and poured my heart out. i felt totally responsible for the A. He played me like a violin. I gave till I had nothing left to give and then gave some more. I worked myself into the ground to get him off the street. He lied, stole and lied some more. He was the perfect victim always. Whatever way he turned nothing was ever his fault. He poor med himself day in day out.

Eventually I stopped putting so much anxiety and fear into him. I put a lot more focus on me. This past year has been so incredibly difficult and painful but its also been a time of great growth for me. I am far less codependent. i set limits. I get angry. I work the program because quite frankly the level of pain I have been in was so colossal I could not do anything else. There are days I still hurt so desperately. I hurt deeply from what he did but I no longer feel responsible for him on any level. I fully expect to hear he's gone. He has no further down to go. When I get that message I will not think for one second is there any more I could have done. I know there wasn't. I did it all and none of it stopped him, nothing stopped his non stop nightmarish behavior.

I have my good days and bad days and I have my awful days and I feel very alone but I no longer feel lost. This room has always been there for me through thick and thin. i can come here and say it all and I can come here and just soak up recovery.

maresie.

jmh137 · Member

maresie,

I have thought a lot about if my son was to end it. None of us want to believe that kind of a thing will happen. But, the way I have heard that he drinks, he is most assuredly going to hurt himself maybe even unto death. There are always all of the other things that could also happen. Someone totally innocent could be hurt by someone who is guilty. I wonder so much where I could have gone wrong, and then I realize that it's not about where who went wrong. It's just the way things are. Why? I guess that's the question that we've all asked ourselves a million times. I don't have any answers. Yet, I know that somehow, someway, God does. I wish that I could make life better for my son, yet I am powerless to do anything. I can barely help myself. I guess what is bothering me the most is that I have lost hope where he is concerned. I truly have. I don't know how to get even the smallest glimmer of hope back concerning him.

jmh137

Tuggboat · Senior Member

This is a good thread, hope you don't mind me droppin in. You all are keeping it fresh for me and thats good. I was browsing the recomended pamplets for newcomers. Alanon publishes a lot of stuff on the web. Sometime I feel so overwhelmed when I start to learn about something new. Here's a couple recomended for a first meeting.

Here is the beginning of the pamphlet "

Understanding Ourselves and Alcoholism

"Alcoholism is a 'family' disease. Compulsive drinking affects the drinker and it affects the drinker's relationships; friendships, employment, childhood, parenthood, love affairs, marriages, all suffer from the effects of alcoholism. Those special relationships in which a person is really close to an alcoholic are affected most, and we who care are the most caught up in the behavior of another person. We react to an alcoholic's behavior. We see that the drinking is out of hand and try to control it. We are ashamed of the public scenes but in private we try to handle it. It isn't long before we feel we are to blame and take on the hurts, the fears, the guilt of an alcoholic."
Heres the rest of the pamplet. Its not long at all.

http://www.al-anon-alateen-msp.org/pages/AboutAlcoholism.html

They also recomend an overview of Alanon such as this

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/newcomer.html

Another topic they recomend is called the three C's. We didn't Cause it, We can't Control it, and We can't Cure it.

You might search the forum. I bet there is some great suff written if you know what your looking for.

Thanks again for sharing.

Tugg.

Christy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi JMH,

Welcome!!

We have online meetings in the chatroom that you could attend since there are none in your county. The link is on the left. It's the "Al-Anon Group Meeting/Chat Room". Go on in to chat anytime.

Meeting Times:
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday

Christy

jmh137 · Member

Tug, and Christy,

Thanks for responding to me.

Today I have a birthday celebration for my mom. She is 77. So, the focus is off of me. I learned at the meetings that I did attend, that is why I felt so uplifted by them. That I didn't just focus on myself, but was hearing everyone else's story. That helped me. I would come into the chat-room sometime but I can't type that fast at all. Maybe I will try it sometime. Thanks for the info. God Bless each one of you!!! Later for now.

jmh137

mel123 · Senior Member

Hey JMH,

I fully understand what you are going through. I too have a son who is an addict/alcoholic. He is 21 and we've been dealing with this since his Senior year of High School. We have a strong faith in God, and this definitely has seen us through this dark, horrible disease. Our son has been through 3 or 4 treatment programs. Currently he is living in an Oxford house, attending meetings, working the steps with his sponsor, and has been clean for over 2 months. We have hope, but we know that he still has a long road ahead. We also realize we are powerless over his disease. Only he and God can do this. I will keep your family and your son in my prayers. God will see you through this.

God Belss......
mel123

jmh137 · Member

Thank you Mel123,

I know that God is the One and Only entity that will be able to conquer this for all of us. I think that my son stayed clean a little while once out of rehab. Unfortunately, not long enough. Maybe someday I will have hope again for him, but not right at this moment. Right now I feel that he could serve all of his time and will still go right back to it. Maybe it is just the way I deal with the heartache of it all. To me it's better to realize the truth then to have false hope and then another little piece of your heart is gone.

jmh137

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.