The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I last posted, my ah is about to significantly reduce his time at work in order to heal his back and work his recovery program. This is a man whose greatest addiction has been work, and ultimately his out of balance life got him to the point he is today. He has gone from not being able to attend his child's soccer game, to suggesting he suddenly stop working for 2 wks and to look into disability. He also is willing to sell out into a partnership, which is somethng he never considered before. These behaviors are totally "out of character" for him, which sounds silly when speaking of an A, but even in the peak of addiction, the work ethic was still there.
My initial reaction was that it was a good thing, that maybe, just maybe he is surrendering; that it is a sign that he is willing to sacrifice because the physical and emotional pain are finally intolerable, he wants to get healthy, and will do anything to get there. Well, I spoke to a good friend of ours yesterday, one who has travelled the whole messy road with us. She also is a recovering pain pill addict and suffers from debilitating back pain, but the difference between her and my ah is that she chose her family, and made an honest effort to recover and has so far succeeded. She put an entirely different spin on it.
Anyhow, my friend believes that his willingness to just give up work is the beginning of him folding. She thinks that by giving up the single thing that is his passion, and then watching others fill in and most likely do better than him, will fill him with an "I can't do it attitude", and he will give up the diversion program and probably his license, and that he will excuse himself to drop out of life and start using again.
Now I know she is just human and could be wrong. She has been my greatest cheerleader, so this negative theory scares me with the reason being that it doesn't seem so far-fetched.
Her basis behind this is that as long as he is still is living a dishonest life with a g/f and carrying the guilt of that and all his other "sins", he will never get better. Remember, the Dr did tell him that his pain was not because of his physical back issues. I have believed this part all along, for it was when the affair started that he progressed rapidly into the disease, drinking to oblivion every night. He got to the point where his back would spasm up if he was even near me. My friend believes he will ONLY get better once he is honest and reconciles his family. If he doesn't, there is no hope.
Yes, I know this theory of total honesty and making amends basically parallells the principles of AA. My ah has a sponsor, whom actually is a friend of ours. Great sober man, but I don't think he has all the information, and has totally put the ball in my ah's court for working the program with him. Yes, ultimately that is where the responsibility belongs, but I have heard AA speakers who talk about their sponsors running a very tight ship for recovery and only agree to work with the sponsee if he works the steps and does what he says.
A long while ago, when I asked his sponsor if my ah ever mentioned his g/f, his sponsor's response was "as far as I am concerned that is bull****. My job is to keep him from drinking and drugging." I guess that is where I disagree (too bad for me) with him, because I believe with every ounce of my being that his infidelities and the dishonesty and secrets are what are feeding the disease. Also, though addiction is addiction, from what I have been told my many sources, the drugs have a more impulsive/compulsive element to them. His sponsor was only an alcoholic.
So, what I am thinking of doing is emailing his sponsor with these thoughts. I would specifically say that I do not expect a response, but just feel the need to share. I think he may be the only person who could have some influence over him. Am I totally off base here? I know I need to focus on me, but indirectly I am. I have much invested in his recovery, to the tune of my name on $2.5 million dollars worth of business loans. I've done pretty good sitting back thus far, but now wonder if it would be okay to poke my head in just a little bit.
I 'd love your thoughts and input.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
To be perfectly honest, and, I'm sorry, blunt, I think your energies would be better focused on extricating yourself from finacial investment in his recovery.
You cannot get healthy as long as you believe that your future depends on his recovery. Especially as you seem to be invested in his recovery taking a certain path. What if his HP's plan for him involves full exposure and disgrace? What if the path to health for him means giving up the whole business and becoming, oh, I don't know, a potter?
As it stand right now, you not only need your husband to sober up, you need him to do it in the 'right' way. As long as your focus is on this, it is not on your own part.
Honestly, all we really have is the moment in front of us, and you are miles down the road and trying to guess his motives.
How much do you want to 'control' the situation?
He has the sponsor he has for a reason.
Do I agree with his sponsor's assessment of the affair not being his business? Not at all.
However, are you going to find him an 'appropriate' sponsor that will suit your qualifications?
It is what it is, and it's happening for a reason.
I never EVER dreamed for a second that it would take a marriage to a psychotic raging addict who beat me on a daily basis for me to finally hit a bottom and find recovery.
My parents never dreamed that was my higher power's plan either.
What may seem like the worst situations to us may very well indeed be HP's works in progress.
I don't know about you, but everytime I take the focus off of me and start waving my director's wand around, I end up in a world of hurt.
Just my two cents.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Gosh I know what it is to not know where to turn. When the A was ill last year I consulted, consulted, consulted and consulted. No one but no one could really anticipate what he would do. The last thing I thought he would do was to continue on his spiral. In many ways my consulting others contributed to my holding on for ever and dedicating my life entirely to him. I quickly became almost non functional.
I know what it is to hold onto those cheerleaders pretty close. I also know what it is to watch the A manipulate and demand every second of my time on various levels.
Do you by any chance have a plan b. What if you lose everything? What is your plans? Do you have interests, loves, ideas of your own not related to his recovery. I didn't. I focused exclusively on him, the worse it got the more I focused, the less he did.
There is no crystal ball to say what any A will do. I also had so many issues with the A lying, evading and more. Nothing but nothing I did changed that. I called his mother, I called his friends, I called everyone I could, none of them were much interested but I was obsessed.
The last thing I ever wanted to hear was to make a plan b but once I did things changed for me. The focus came off him and more on me. I started to look at me rather than at him. I started to regoup and revise my expectations.
I could justify spending my whole life on the A for years. Now I can longer justify it. I had money, a home, car(s), truck(s), friends. At some point I lost everything but in exchange I gained freedom. I never ever wat to live in that level of dread again.
I think that the real question is "What does Lou think?" After doing your thinking then comes the doing which is again "What does Lou..."
Both you and your Alcoholic are facing changes. Not all changes are bad and some are easier to make than others. Planning with the end in mind is always good planning and being ready to accept outcomes is very good program.
First off...."Abandon your self to God as you understand God..."
Okay, okay, okay, I know you are all correct, but a girl's gotta try, ya know?
When I was posting I realized I was projecting, worrying about the future, trying to control, impose my will, all that, all the while hoping maybe you wouldn't notice??? Yeah, right... Thanks for setting me straight.
Hmm, Lin, a potter, huh? It took the third reading to translate that into probably referencing someone who works with clay, and not marijuana. Oh my! I know it was just a random example, but that was funny!
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I think its pretty chararestic of many A's to turn things on their head. Last year the A got around to asking me to marry him, offered to help with all kind sof things. At the same time he was hiding he had a hit and run charge against him which was bound to send him to jail. I do think they do "try" at times but the trying isn't always about surrending to recovery. The A I was with resisted any kind of intervention at all. He could tolerate none of it. He curently lives with an uncle who does not mince words. I have no idea how they are doing. At one time I could not imagine not knowing, now I welcome it. I was and still can be Ms. Over invovlement. I had to be involved with an an A to the point of death to stop. Recovery for me is as essential as it is for the A. I can kill myself with this stuff.
Lou, Nothin' gets past this crowd...and thank god for that!! Hey everyone out there- I am counting on y'all to nail me when I need it!! Thank you in advance. Hugs, J.
Yeah, right... Thanks for setting me straight.