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Thankyou for your caring replies to my posts. I hope I am not posting too much. I met my A today to talk after being separated for 6 days. We hugged each other and he (and I) sobbed out loud. He doesn't understand why I am doing this and is concerned about how we are going to manage two homes. I wrote him a long letter to explain better that I love him but don't want to live with him, as it hurts me too much. We didn't mention the A word, but I could tell how strong a hold it has over him. He was sober and afraid, and I just told him how I felt. As I looked at him I felt like I was being pulled into him like a magnet. Is that love negative or positive. That is my question to God. Is this a positive love that I feel. I have not gone back on wanting to separate but seeing him so hurt is hard. That little rescuer rises up and wants to jump in like a hero. I don't want to lose him but cannot return to the life of isolation and pain that I had. thanks alanon. going to F2f now...... but would rather get in a cave and hide.... bless you all. I will get hugs and give them tonight from those who have been there too.
(((silverbrumby)))) I like your question about the love being positive or negative. I OFTEN wondered that myself. And still do. The love I felt was so powerful that I wondered if it was heaven sent or some kind of evil force trying to destroy me.
The first weeks and months following such a major adjustment in your life are difficult. And it's only been DAYS for you. Please give yourself time to grieve and grow. And allow him the dignity to stand on his own two feet. As hard as that may be for him during these days. Don't take that away from him.
gosh understand the karpman's triangle very well, either rescue, punish, denial, feel like a victim. Pretty much the story of my life. I separated from the A twice. Once for a week the second time for months and I still interacted with him for months. Nothing much changed for me. I could talk till I was dry with talking. Nothing shifted his dependence or his downward trajectory.
Nevertheless I had to go through it. Now I "try" much much less in a relationship. I tried till I was dead in trying.
There had to be something in there for me in that I felt 'noble" I suppose. I felt I had to be half dead before I could stop trying.
I wish I had had limits. I did not have them then. I do now. I have had to have them because my emotional and physical health not to mention my finances were absolutely destroyed by "trying" for ever and then some.
Yes, it is hard to see them hurting so much and sobbing. Its one of the hardest things, I think. But if there is some way we can look at it as a gift. For it is a gift. One only we can give them, too. We respect them enough to let them go and continue on their path instead of cushioning them yet once again. I know how good it feels to say OK, I will stick my head in the sand one more time and forget everything and we can be happy again. Its a bunch of bull. it feels good for about a day, maybe a week tops. then its the SSDD all over again and I end up feeling even worse because I took the bait AGAIN. J.
Aloha SB...Maybe you can start a cave meeting? LOL
For me early recovery was soooo dicey. I didn't know anything and I didn't know what I was supposed to know or not know. The only thing I came to accept was I had to continue going to meetings and sitting all the way down and listen, listen, listen and then follow the suggestions.
God has got all the rest of it alcoholic and all. If I say it, I gotta trust it. If I trust it I have to turn it (my will and my life) over without any expectations at all.
Keep coming back...you're doing fine and will grow up great.
Round3, You said, I like your question about the love being positive or negative. I OFTEN wondered that myself. And still do. The love I felt was so powerful that I wondered if it was heaven sent or some kind of evil force trying to destroy me. That is so true. That is exactly what it is like. That is what I am about discovering while we are apart, for as long as it takes. He has long crossed the line into the heavy emotional realm, bathing his emotions with alcohol for years. In my heart I am seeking something light, joyful, fun and sunny you know? About "fun" he has always said, "what is fun?" aaaarrrgghhhh!! Thanks heaps SB
For me I think it was attachment. I was so 'attached" to the A that it almost killed me to "let go". Every day I have to practice letting go of something, some person, some thing that is not going my way I do appreciate my days more nowadays.
I think for me my love got muddled up in my own neediness and lack of confidence that I could take care of myself. It took me a long time to learn that taking care of me meant emotionally too. That it wasn't his job to carry me emotionally. It is how we grow up though with the "I'll always be there for you" sappy promises we see in the movies, etc. I finally realised that if I don't love myself, I have no foundation on which to show others unconditional love.
My AH and I were like two drowning victims, grasping and pulling each other down. We had to separate so we can learn how to swim. Then we can come together again(hopefully) and be able to love and support each other in a healthy way.
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
