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Since the A has been out of jail he has insisted on emailing, calling, texting and completely violating the restraining order and disrespecting my wishes. My son answered the phone once and I told him don't call me anymore. I will call you in March if you're still doing well you can see the kids. I thought that was generous considering he had moved out of the halfway house (with rules) into an apartment (without rules) in about 2 days. The only reason I said he could see them was because of the rules (strict sobriety and responsiblity rules). He texts tonight saying Hey I am doing good let me see my kids. Mind you he's been out of jail all of 2 or 3 weeks. This is the 3rd text I have gotten this week from him. I'm halfway tempted to call his probation officer and report him for violating the restraining order. He's always working out ways to "get around" everything. I tell him not to call he texts. I tell him I will call in march and he starts pestering me a week later to see them. I have seen him work a great job for 2 or 3 weeks and then go right back to using and to jail. I can't even count how many times in the past 18 months! I'm so sick of him and his impatience and demanding behaviors and arrogance.
I'm halfway tempted to call his probation officer and report him for violating the restraining order. He's always working out ways to "get around" everything. I tell him not to call he texts. I tell him I will call in march and he starts pestering me a week later to see them. Inconsistency in the boundaries that I have set have proven to be a great deal of frustration for me.
I set boundaries because the other person isn't willing to act out of respect.
The higher my expectations of someone else, the lower my serenity.
Why does he do that? You don't hold firm to the restraining order and report him when he violates it. He KNOWS he can get away with it. He has had no consequences for violating the order so far :)
If you leave it up to him to follow the rules, you know deep in your heart that isn't going to happen.
Sometimes taking action is exactly what we don't want to do, and we dig our feet in.
The ball is in your court, not his, and by not reporting the violations, you are leaving yourself open to his manipulations.
Either take action where boundaries are set, or expect more of the same in the future.
I learned that the hard way :)
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 08:23, 2008-02-08
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Tell him that if he tries to contact you in any form between now and the deadline of the RO, that you will report him to his probation officer. Let him know that his will be his only warning and you will not hesitate to do it. Then when he contacts you, immediately report it. If you make a threat, you've gotta be willing to follow it through.
I think its called projection itsn't it. Project it all out over everyone else. Does he really want to see his kids or is he just looking for another hand out. I am so so so so grateful I do not have to deal with the A anymore. I do deal with people every single day who seek to overstep my boundaries though. My last job (how grateful I am that I no longer have to work there) was one of them.
Boundaries are real hard work for some of us. I gave in to the A so many times because it was easier. I also got a restraining order and then let him violate it. I would get another one in a shot now if he came around again.
The A I was with did not want to share anything, he did not want to take responsibility. He had some huge huge fantasy about what was owed him and he took till I had nothing left.
I hope you are able to hold to your boundaries. These days my boundaries are so precious to me.
I hope you are also able to find ways to get some respite. I know what it is to work all the hours there are and have nothing left.
I know also I often broke down and thought the A would help when in fact all he ever did in the end was destroy, enrage, obliterate and more.
Don't even warn him. He is an adult (although a mentally deficient one) and he knows damn well what he is doing. Call his PO and end the drama with him, if you want to. I have a No Contact RO and if he wants to see or speak with the kids he has to do it thru a third party. Oh POOR HIM!!!! It is SOOOO complicated to have to figure THAT one out...wawawawa. I tell ya what, my bad mood hasn't lifted at all and I am sick to death of these A's that think they need us to wipe their butts for them. Call the PO already and let HIM feel the consequences of his stupidity rather than you and the kids suffering. I swear I have become a much better mother since I stopped dealing with HIS moronic, stress making behavior. Good luck, CG. Oh, I just realized that I was telling you what to do, I am sorry. I need a meeting
CG, i agree with all the posts so far. Might want to consider turning it around. Instead of why won't he just leave me alone, look at your own behavior, not his. Hugs and love, J.
