The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He called to apologize again and tell me how much he LOVES me and doesn't want to live without me. He gave me all the same crap he always gives me. How I am what keeps him going every day and he needs me. How much he loves. How he is going to prove to me that he loves me and be a better man. He is going to work hard every day for the rest of his life to win me back. Yada Yada Yada. You know the drill.
I told him that I didn't love him the way a wife should love a man. I don't want to be married to him. I don't want to be with him. I just want to move on. Live my life. I want to be able to go out and do things with people and not worry about how he will react or what kinds of repercussions I am going to receive for my actions. It is not fair. I just want him to let me go.
His response: He can't let me go. He has never shown jealousy with me b/c he has never had any reason to. Now that I don't want to be with him, he is very jealous and doesn't want to think of me with another man. I WANTED to say, so don't think about it dumbass! But I didn't. LOL.
Anyway, in the end, he agreed to leave me alone to do my own thing, to live my own life and wished me the happiness that I am looking for. He said he would be there for the kids and for me if I needed him but that he would not call me or come to see me. I have heard it all before. So we will see how it goes. I completely plan on living my life the way I want to live it whether he likes it or not. I have had to work very hard over the years to get to this point and I refuse to allow him to pull me backwards or make me linger on the edge of past and future. Does that make any sense? Oh well, thanks for listening.
I'm on another site where they call this the Hoover because they try to suck you back in. And most times it works. They do something really abusive or stupid and we say "enough!" and then they come back with the "I love you" and we fall for it. Sounds like you are done falling for it. Sounds like you are seeing it for what it is, his attempt to keep things (you) under his control. I didn't see this pattern for many many years. And there was some part of me that didn't want to keep falling for it. Good for you QOD to want more for yourself and going in that direction. It is hard, oh it is so very hard, to stay on the path that will lead us to our life. The A's are so very good at the manipulation game. And we participated for so long that it feels like a betrayl when we finally stop. But really, I think it is the most loyal thing we can do, for ourselves. Actions speak louder than words. I have to stay strong in my actions for my own sake. And I have to watch his actions to see if there is any real change or growth. Oh, good luck with this QOD. I wouldn't expect him to give up quite so easily. They usually escalate their antics when they see we are serious about taking care of ourselves so stay aware and stay safe...
Hm, my experience has been similar although my A is not around (thank god) however, I am sure that when he starts to see the kids again it will start up. How he knows better than me, is a better parent, is more righteous, etc. Always the same story. We'll see if he actually WORKS his program. I know that he like the hoover running on low and when he sees any opportunity he will kick into high gear to suck me back in. I think we have all heard the I'm sorry's, the promises to change, the I'll never do it again's, the this time will be different's. We have also all seen the tantrums, the name calling, the thowing of things and taking of things and breaking of things and threats of divorce, taking the kids, etc. etc. etc. Whatever pushes our button and makes us light up. I too am ready to move on without him. In order for me to do that I have had to come to the conclusion that he will never change and I'm not happy with who he is anymore. If he does change, good for him but I'll never believe it's forever, maybe that's for my own sanity and ability to move on. What's that saying? Get busy living or get busy dying?
My ex was an expert at that. When he went back to prison for a year on a PV, his letters and phone calls were full of remorse, he was going to change his ways, he lived and breathed for me, yada yada yada.
I bought it hook, line, and sinker, and married the guy.
The honeymoon was over quick. Soon he was losing jobs, drinking/using to excess, beating on me, and disappearing for days on end. He had endless affairs, and I was convinced I didn't deserve any better.
I am so grateful to not have to live like that anymore.
Yes, I missed him terribly when I left. I still had my wedding ring on two years later because that was still my way of hanging on.
It did pass with time.
He was buried last year at the age of 47, and that was when I got real closure. His death had a very profound effect on me even though we had been divorced for over 17 years.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Love the hoover metaphor. I have been through all that. I also note it with other people. When I pull away they hoover on in. I am such a sucker for being needed and wanted. I have to do so much work on my self esteem!
