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Hi Friends,

I've been in a funk the past few weeks, but think I finally cracked it a bit by  looking at my divorce papers (a month later) and making a decision about and phoning an attorney.  Time to move on.

Things are shifting a bit, and I see God clearly at work.  It's odd though, it doesn't bring me peace as much as sadness.   My ah went to his first review by the state licensing board. It's been 3 mos since he started the diversion program. Part of his program is 90/90 AA meetings.  Well, turns out he lost his paperwork for Dec.  The consequence?  Two more months of consecutive AA meetings, so it will end up being 150/150. Praise God.  In addition, they are making him switch personal counselors to one that is an addiction specialist, enter a relapse prevention program, and go into a chronic pain clinic.  They don't mess around.

My husband is at a point where he can hardly walk.  The back pain is what started the narcotic use, emotional pain, the alcohol. Here is the interesting part, and validation of something I have believed for a long time.  The other day, prior to a Dr. appt, the bookeeper (and our friend) for our office suggested to him that perhaps his back pain was a result of the years of guilt he has been carrying around. He retorted that no, he has physical things wrong (this is true - his MRIs showed multiple  buldging discs and stenosis). Well, when he returned from the Dr., he called her back and told her the Dr said his  physical issue did not explain his level of "pain", and that perhaps he should get his emotional life in order.  Hmmmm...

The phonecall was full of sobbing and crying. She believed that perhaps he got close to his emotional "bottom". It seems my ah is finally realizing the impact of what he has done to his life.  He has finally achieved his dream of building a new office for our business to do what he loves, but now may have to abandon it all. In getting what he wanted, he abused his body with drugs/alcohol, serious sleep deprivation and no exercise, lost the respect of many employees, hurt other people, negatively affected his reputation, and abandoned his family in the process. He is now at a point where he can hardly work (physical limitations combined with diversion program requirements), thus financially and professionally it could all come crashing down.

He has actually talked to me twice about all this in the past few days, and each time just thanked me for listening. I am proud of myself, in that with the exception of a few neutral comments, that is what I did, I just listened.  I looked at the face of the man I once loved and just saw someone sick and broken. I almost had compassion. He talked of the lack of balance in his life being his greatest addiction, and then something he said really struck me.  With tears in his eyes he said, "I'm not a husband, not a father, not a community member.  I am just a freak." For once, I could see him saying this as his personal truth, not out of victimization and pity. And here was a big change for me.  I did not disagree nor try to build him up like I would have in the past.  I just looked at him in the the eyes and stayed silent.  It is time for him to deal with his demons, and I now know that is his battle, and his alone.

Financially, I do not know what is going to happen to us.  Thank God we recently hired an awesome office manager with strong experience and connections. The plan today is to have her get relief docs to build the business back up (or at least keep it aflloat) and for ah to only work 3-4 hrs a day, if that, so he can focus on getting well and we can come up with a plan. Getting a partner is a possibility, and miraculously we have a lead on that.  In the end, it may or may not work.  I need to face the possibility that we may lose it all. He did say to me something to me about hoping I would agree with getting a partner and disregard all the resentments I feel.  Again, I think I responded well.  Even though it is a no-brainer for me, I told him that I built that business too and sacrificed everything for it, and that I would do whatever was in the best interest of me and the kids.  That ended up being the end of our conversation and I was fine with that.

This is where things are today and I know are subject to change.  I do not jump for joy that my ah is a "changed man", for I think he is only beginning the climb. I don't rejoice that he talked to me, but am thankful I had the opportunity to prove to myself that I can behave differently.  I resolve to take each day as it comes, and in doing so begin each day with a personal pledge to God to take my burdens and fear. Right now that is all I can do.

Blessings,
Lou