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Hullo fellow alanons. After refusing to play alcoholic games anymore and asking my AH to stay away, I am now in my 5th day of separation. The pain is setting in. The loss the sadness. Oh how I miss him He is distraught and shocked beyond belief that I actually mean it. I have taken the biggest risk of my life. I could lose him forever and that would break my heart. But I know what it is like too well and what I'm getting with him... I so hope he enters into recovery and wants me back when he's better. I love him but hate the monster that has wrapped around him and possessed him. I have to step back and heal. I don't feel that desparation that I once felt, even though I have no anger. I know that the only way is forward not back. Going forward brings hope for change and a different life on the otherside of this dark valley. Going back is guaranteed to be more of the same...... Together we can make it, keep coming back.....SB
((((((silverbrumby)))))))) It's inevitable that we miss someone who meant so much to us in our lives. Regardless of the disease and the pain that it brings - we remember the good times and the things that made us fall in love and be with this person to start with. I call this period that you're going through "the hump". If you can get past this hump, and keep plugging away at your program during this time, it will ease eventually.
You sound very grounded and like you know what you need to do. If you're anything like me, though, the disconnect between knowing it in my head and feeling it in my heart can be very large.
Yes, hopefully he will find recovery - but you've got to find a way to make things okay with you whether that happens or not. I think you know you did the right thing when you took this stand. Because as we all know, if nothing changes, nothing changes. His life may depend on doing something different in order to affect a change in him.
I know that right after my A disconnected from my life to take care of himself, it really hurt. A HUGE part of me knew that it was the right decision, and things couldn't be any other way really - but I missed him. I didn't miss the instability, the lack of emotion, and those things that go with the territory of being with an A - but I missed the man inside. Still do. But I dove in the program and immersed myself. The more understanding I got of all of this (and mind you, I had previously had years of program and supposedly a lot of "understanding" of it), but this time I held onto program as if it was my lifeboat. And it has been.
You will get through this. No question. Keep praying that HP brings you serenity with this; and that you continue to grow.
It was a risk that I had to take for I too could not go on in the way I had been doing over 19 years with my AH; that was 18 years ago now and I still have to take one day at a time whilst always living with HOPE.
For me the peace, the recovery, the knowing that I was not going to be abused, in the end countered the grief I felt for losing my AH, however I still went through years of mourning, and even now still have bad days. It did not turn out as I had wished it would but that does not mean that your situation will not turn out the way you wish.
One day at a time, you are in mourning, for your marriage, for all those dreams that have been shattered, for the family that is no more, for the husband that has disappeared, for the love that is not returned as apriori because the drink rules the A's life, thoughts, and actions. And much more than I want to recount here.
Be gentle with yourself, let go of your feelings, your emotions, and tears - every tear shed is a wound healed, so I was told years ago and believe me I shed a lot. One day at a time, do not try to expect anything at this stage, try simply to accept the present moment as it unfolds is what I would do. Not an easy task , though it was one of the best truths that I was given at the time, time is a great healer as is God.
Let Go, Let God over and over and over again. I have to keep reminding myself of this constantly.
Hugs, HeartB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
What a brave person you are! Now you can really let go of the cycle.. at least that is what in felt like to me, a never ending cycle that ends in being disappointed. I/ we broke once for a bit. The second he indicated the smallest of changes I was back in 100%. Beware of doing that-It now means I have to work even harder to "detach" within the relationship etc. I could have healed quicker, he might have gotten better (or he might have gotten worse) without me. You are in a position to really really make some positive changes, without so many temptations right in your face to repeat the same old behaviors that made you sad in the first place. Please remember to listen to your head long enough to let your heart heal and catch up. You sound like you will. At the time I had no one on the planet to talk things through with because my family was perplexed by my decisions in the first place and probably fed up with my drama. And I don't think I had made contact with ALANON yet? Anyway please stay close to your loved ones and your fellow ALA members, I want to encourage you in any way I can Keep being brave!!
I remember when I left. Originally, I could not let go of the idea of "us" of "our" future, frankly I just couldn't imagine my life without him. He was truly my only friend so I lost my love and my best friend. As time went on it got harder, he would appear to be doing well and I would buy into. I didn't want to let go. He did stupid things, hurtful things and still I held on. I'm not sure when exactly it changed for me but thank god it did! I remember being desperate to fill that void with a new man. I couldn't stand myself and didn't want to be alone. I remember looking inside myself and seeing things I didn't like, still do sometimes, but I go on. I remember the fear of not being able to make it financially, the fear of being alone forever, the fear that I would never find anyone I loved that much again. Sometimes it still creeps in but then it was all consuming.
All I know from my own experience is that I put one foot in front of the other, made every decision benefit me in some way, and watch actions not listen to words. Eventually he lost his luster, finally it gets to the point of me wondering why I was ever attracted to him in the first place.
Please hang in there for all of us. I have been separated for 3 years - his choice. I don't call or ask for help. I miss him so much but what I am figuring out is that even the good things were really part of the disease. Know that you made the right choice by saying no to the disease. Remember that in AA the reading says that the disease is cunning, baffling. Take very good care of yourself.
I am currently filled with a lot of anniversary grief. A year ago I was in the process of leaving the A. I had been here for a while, made a plan b. I finally began to execute it. I had a good counselor at the time, she helped a lot. Do you think of going to counseling. I really got a lot out of it. I also really spent a lot of time here, days and nights I was here, reading other people's posts. I am coming up on a year of leaving the A, there was much back and forth between us for a while. Now there is no contact at all and that feels 'right". I cant tell anyone what their process is or should be. We all have our own process. I left when I could take no more. I am still recovering from leaving I may always be.
I found it absolutely exhausting to be around him at the end. He never stopped for one second, using, he was homeless, penniless but all he thought about was using.
I am also on day 5 since my Abf moved out. He's in recovery but he still wasn't treating me the way I deserved to be treated so after many fights, I asked him to leave. Actually I asked him many times, but the last time, he really did, and I have not heard from him since, except when I tried to contact him. I assume he has gotten another gf (or already HAD one) because he isn't the type to want to be alone.
I left him when he was active but as he started his recovery we came back together and everything was really good for a while, but it all fell apart. I know that we got back together too soon and I believe it ruined our chances at a healthy relationship.
I can't sleep, can't eat, can't seem to do anything. It breaks my heart when he's not in bed when I wake up.. I have such extreme anxiety.. It's debilitating..
But I've been reaching out constantly. Calling people, going to meetings, etc. I dropped my program when he got "better", and I know that has a lot to do with why I'm so distraught today. i still love him so much but we were only hurting each other.. I still have hope that someday down the road we could reconnect, but I think for the time being it's over. It's so hard to accept.
Just know that you're not alone! I was with him for over 4 yrs which isn't a lot but it seems like forever right now..
I know its really painful. Literally like withdrawing into a cave and licking your wounds!! Or at least that was how it felt for me. I was so defeated when I left. I could not raise my head or look anyone in the eye. I was so messed up. It is a miracle I am even alive, I had so much self hate. You see, I had believed everything he said to me. Swallowed every bit of it. So toxic. Plus he was larger than life and incredibly controlling so there was a HUGE hole there where he was. Really enormous. He took up so much space in my life.
Its hard but you sound OK. You have a program. That program will keep you on course if you work it. It worked for me. Keep coming back, hugs, J.
Jerry, thankyou. You know what, I have been scratching my head trying to remember that little poem this week. All I could remember was, the first bit, if you love something, let it go. The key line is "it was never meant to be". That's the risk I know I must take.Thankyou. That was HP inspired.SB
