The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As you all know I have reached a point where my stress was overwhelming. Things started to shift me for me. The house I live in has become more bearable because of the exit of two people. I left the job that was causing me tremendous stress. I will get unemployment for a while which gives me some time to regroup and seek medical help. I really need some prescriptions and some time to rest rest and rest some more.
I also need time to get to some meetings and to get support for myself. I had none when I was immeresed in work, work and more work then rush home to my dogs.
One of the huge issues for me is to just let go. I simply cannot do this all at once. I can't pay off all my debts at once. I can't move, I cant create a support group out of nothing. I have had to let go and surrender to the process.
I am truly ill, physically beat up, exhausted and need some respite. On Monday when I was applying for unemployment I ran up agains tthe familiar road blocks. Instead of railing and ranting and fretting I just let go. Over time with patience (I have none) I suceeded in filing my application. I need this time. I have had no time at all since I left the A, no time to regroup, no time to think, no time to strategize and work on what next. I have simply been holding on by my fingertips and barely surviving. I deserve to do more than survive.
Surviving is not living. I know very well how you are feeling. I used to think I had to take on everything all at once before I could live again....the bills, the housing situation, etc.. It was so very depressing. I thought if I could just sleep for the next month I would be better. Bit by bit, little by little I kept inching my way closer to where I wanted to be. With the love of this program and HP by my side, I have been able to get where I am now. Please know I think of you often and I am cheering you on to a better life. HP is always with you. HP is as close as your next breath. You are never alone in all this. Many hugs to you.
Maresie.........I can hear the exhaustion in your post. If you can afford to, with the unemployment coming take some time to take care of you. There is nothing wrong in just staying in bed all day, or on the pc talking to your friends, or taking time to do the things you enjoy doing. Take a long fragrant bath, pamper yourself now. You need time to grieve, to heal and this takes time. become selfish, in that you put yourself first now, for your well being.
when I left my AH back in April and he went to jail for assulting me it took me a long time to get back into things outside of myself. I stayed in bed, read all day, or stayed on the pc all day talking to my friends in the abuse forum. This stuff kept me sane, helped me through my grief, and helped me heal and become stronger. Its okay to do nothing for awhile.
I agree with Cat, you may need to hide out awhile and just chill. I did, too, when I got away from my AH. We are so far beyond exhaustion at that point that we need to totally simplify and only do like one thing in one day!! You will get back into your groove in time, now is the time to chill out and give yourself as much of a break as possible. it took me a full two years to get my groove back and now I am back up to speed. J.
PS: here is the thing that I would do, sometimes for an entire day (not joking). I would lay down on this sofa near a set of windows and just look up into the sky and watch it in silence. that was all. I know this sounds pretty catatonic but it was just so exactly what I needed to do. All I could do was lay there and look up at the sky for hours and hours, the clouds passing, the light changing, etc. Sometimes I would drift off to sleep. Sometimes I would just lay there and stare. It was incredibly therapeutic for me. I was not hurting anyone and its not like I neglected any responsibilities to do this. Best thing- it didn't cost a dime!
Maresie, I can so identify because I am a slow learner, and I have had many situations where I put myself in the role of Superwoman and absolutely exhausted myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
I am so much better about taking care of myself these days because I don't ever want to get to that point again.
When I can't even be still long enough to hear what my higher power wants me to do, he's quite willing to just let me run myself ragged until I finally give up and let go :)
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
thank you all for your support, encouragement and understanding. I am absolutely exhausted. I am taking time to regroup and reassess what I need to do next. I could not do this when I first left the a, I had no money and nowhere to go. I am now in a place where I just have to. My fatigue is never ending. I feel better after a few days rest but clearly I need to step back and take care of myself and I am doing that.
I have an interview tomorrow and that will take up most of the day but my plans on the weekend are to try to rest and clean up my tiny space.
