The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Well, I have to say that I expected him to EVENTUALLY regret how he treated me Sunday and Monday night. I figured he would apologize and ask for forgiveness. I just didn't expect it this soon.
He called me at lunch time today and said he was sorry for the things he said and he didn't mean any of it. He was hurting and madder than hell. He hopes I can forgive him and forget what he said. I simply said, "Thank you." Then he called back a few minutes later and said he would be bringing me all my stuff back. That he couldn't take stuff from me. Again I simply said, "Thank you."
I haven't a clue WHAT to say! The fact is simple here. We have been separated for one year. I have tried to make our marriage work a time or two during that year but it just isn't working for me. I cannot just simply slide back into the old routine and forget all that has happened and pretend to be happy when I am not. I am ready to move on with my life, finalize our divorce and get on with happiness. I tired of him clinging on, holding me back. It is not fair. And he is in denial about it all. He truly believes that all he has to do is wait me out and I will take him back and all will be merry again. Not happening. And he saw that Sunday night. And it hurt him. I understand that. But damn....I cannot continue to spare his feelings. That is what has prolonged this whole mess in the first place.
At what point am I allowed to start thinking about me without worrying how he will react? I took a big step Sunday and accepted an invitation to a superbowl cookout. He found out about it - I wasn't remotely trying to hide it from him - he blew a head gasket. He has no right to be upset with me. NONE. I did nothing wrong. AND I do not feel like I need to explain my actions to him or give him an itenary for the rest of my life. He has no say so in what I do, when or with whom I do these things. I am a grown woman who is separated/almost divorced. He has no control over me.
As far as my safety goes....I don't even really consider that an issue. I don't believe he would physically harm me unless he was really drunk or high. He can be spiteful and hurtful with his words that can cut deep but with the proper emotional shielding in place, he can only do but so much damage.
Thank you all for all of your kind words and wonderful ESH. Y'all are amazing. I will keep you posted as to what happens.
Textbook- in a way, they are so predictable...you sound REALLY good, QOD. You are sounding so balanced and true. You keep doing whatever it is you are doing, its a beautiful sight and its inspiring to me. My time is coming up, I am thinking you are going to need to write to me about this exact same topic (roles reversed) in around 3 months...its really SO PREDICTABLE, you could set a watch on it.
Hugs and love in serenity, J.
(PS: another thing, you know they really can not be bothered with doing anything hard or that would require any serious application or effort so to move that furniture on Saturday, etc. was just beyond his comprehension when you come right down to it because it would mean he would need to get organized, get some friends to help, find a place to store it, take the time, etc. etc. etc. etc. better off to make pretty now...than later)
She used to "apologize", but it was invariably tied with a qualifier..... sometimes subtly, sometimes not so much.....
As in.... "I am sorry"........ "so can I move back home, and continue on with my lifestyle again?"
As good as they feel to receive sometimes, I found apologies from my ex, particularly during her active years, to be more heart wrenching than sincere......
T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know for me there was a separation involved in leaving the A. I left the A April 2007, I did not deal with him for 2 months, 2 months in which I worried a lot about him. I did not get to close all the loops then. Then the A contacted me homeless and penniless. I helped him. I helped him into some kind of a shelter, a messed up existence if I can say that. He continued to decline. I set limits, I set lots of limits. He still pulled me into his chaos. He was incredibly manipulative and demanding. I spent very little time with him. His chaos escalated. He could do nothing, he had every excuse in the book, life was against him. He had absolutely no coniseration for me, I was supposed to drop everything, do everything, kill myself for him. He expected the moon and the stars, I set limits, he did not hear them, he engineered more chaos. Eventually I got to a place where I was willing to let go.
I took on the two dogs somehow or another.
I can only say dealing with the A's never ending chaos, demands and escalations drained me to the quick.
I can undrstand that we only know chaos when we live with an A. I also dont think we know how much it kills us. I know it has about killed me with the never ending, never stopping demand demand demand and more demand. I have not seen or heard from the A now for 3 months. I am so grateful. I have nothing left to give him and giving is all he cares about.
There ya go,the perfect example of how the A disease makes us sick.
One time "the other" is tearing us apart, then our AH's heart breaks thru which confuses us all the more.
I see you learned from it by not reacting to his good side. Now if we can immediately get to not reacting to the other, and not give it what it wants, that will be so freeing.
That is where self care comes in.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I am also glad you learned from it.
That is a true sign you are working your program. love,debilyn
