The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
SA/AH is "sick" in bed, I'm at home, kids have snow day from school. We are buried in a big winter storm. I've shoveled twice, ran 3 miles on my treadmill. spending some time here answering others posts.
I can't stop obsessing about H using again! He has been a 2008 disaster for all but maybe 5 days last week. He used to have one bad week followed by about 4 or 5 good ones. I guess I should be grateful that he is getting sicker. He goes to AA but doesn't accept the program. Argues it, thinks it doesn't apply to his "special case". There is part of me that rejoices in his failure to control his disease--- because maybe he is getting closer to his bottom. I understand that. It is so f***ing hard to witness though. I blew up this am. Yelled because I could smell the pot on him and he's giving me this song and dance about being sick. Yeah, he's sick alright!
so here's what I know today. 1) I am powerless over the alcoholic/drug abuser and living with his has made my life a mess. 2) God can restore me to sanity (and my AH too if he seeks him) 3) I will let go and let God help me. I will let go and let God do whatever he needs to do in AH's life-- I will not interfere, I am not God.
That step 3 is the hard one for me-- I so badly want to push solutions. I want nice clean answers and fairy tale endings. A girl can dream--right?
thanks for listening- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
so here's what I know today. 1) I am powerless over the alcoholic/drug abuser and living with his has made my life a mess. 2) God can restore me to sanity (and my AH too if he seeks him) 3) I will let go and let God help me. I will let go and let God do whatever he needs to do in AH's life-- I will not interfere, I am not God.
Wow, I really needed to read this today!!! I'm pretty much in the same place you are today. It's amazing how HP using ones own "mess" to help others!!!!!
I can relate very much. I have done plenty of yelling and arguing. I also know what it is to be at a limit. When he doesn't hit bottom what then. The A I was with was homeless, penniless, sick, tired and he still used. He still hung around only peope who used with him. When he was homeless he found them. As far as I know he is still living a marginal existence. Getting to a place where he could not affect me anymore nearly killed me spiritually, physically emtionally. The issue for me is that if I am around anyone who is addicted I fuse to them and end up in the same place.
For some people there is no bottom. For some the bottom is death. For some the bottom is a never ending misery for those around them. I do not know how to get out of that misery except to take radical steps. One is to take care of me. I know for me it is absolutely insane for me to expect anything, anything at all from those who are addicted in some way. I keep doing it. I keep going to that well and being angry and frustrated and lonely.
I completely understand how you are feeling. When my ex ah was living w/me, it would drive me insane to see him laying around, feeling sick, feeling tired, feeling sad and depressed. Meanwhile, I was having to get on with it. I had to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, go to work so the bills would get paid. I didn't have the luxury of allowing myself to get all absorbed in my own self pity. Someone in the family had to be mature and responsible, right? ARRRGGGHHHH!!!! It still infuriates me to think about the way I was living back then. I was miserable.
I am now in a much better place. My own place. My own rules. My own life. Granted he still tries to squash my independence of him with his hateful abusive words, suck me back in with his self pity can't live w/out you words. But I click that emotional switch to OFF and I try not to allow him to affect me. "FREEDOM" - that is my dream, my goal. And I am making it happen.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep your chin up.
