The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night my brother mercifully died from lung cancer. He had been on hospice since October and had been doing very well. He was able to say goodbye and make amends to those close to him before the end.
The end came so fast it was surprising. I am happy he did not suffer a long and painful death. However I wasn't there at the end. I knew he wasn't doing well but had no idea that the end was so near. I had gotten a call on a great job I had applied for in another area some time ago and went for it. I thought that I could get there and back before any thing could happen. my thinking was wrong. I wasn't able to get back to him before his death.
Yesterday my sisters were able to be with him and took wonderful care of him. Today my sick mind wants to feel guilty. I feel selfish. Somehow in my heart of hearts I know this is not healthy thinking, but the thoughts are hard to shake. Is this a process of the grief? Is this part of my alanon sickness that I need to caregive to the end?
I am trying to hold on to the thought of gratitude that my hp put me in a place that would leave me with my final vision of him smiling and joyful and not fighting for breath. Trusting in the fact that I was and am right where I need to be. And that he is in a much better place.
((((Greta)))) I offer my condolences on losing your brother. This is a perfect use of the serenity prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I CAN NOT CHANGE (your brother passing, the timing of it)
I think your last paragraph says it best. Remember him smiling not struggling for his last breath. Guilt does not have to be a step in the grief process.
take care, cherish your memories of your brother, forgive yourself- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
i am the oldest of 4, when my dad died last year i made a totally concious decision to not be there, i had been caretakeing my addict dad for most of my life, recovery and therapy had helped me to recover from a lot and my sisters had nowhere near the history with him that i did, i knew the end was here and my sisters were with him. i chose that my last memories of him would NOT be him struggleing for breath. had he been alone in life at the end, i would have done it, but a choice was there, by sisters were there and i am eternally grateful. Dads death was peaceful. i had always prayed that he wouldnt die some horrible death, so many very bad things happen to alcoholics. it worked out better than i could have imagined. so letting go and letting god worked.
Greta, its OK. You were not meant to have been there or else your HP would have placed you there, honey. We simply do not have any control over these things.
I was not there for my fathers death. I came to peace with it. We had had our time together and had taken care of our business between us. Sounds like you and your brother did too. Be grateful for that closure.
Also, its very auspicious (in buddhism) to die quickly. Be glad for that, too. Less suffering for all.
There are so many positive things in your post- its your disease that is affecting that. Please take care and keep coming back here and attending your F2F al-anon meetings. Hugs, J.
Since you believe in an after life you'll recall that in spirit we don't bother with concerning ourselves with small moments of time, who did what when, who didn't. It's really about self and what we did with our lives. I'm sure you were a wonderful sister and that is what he took with him. Let this one go my friend. I'm sure your brother would not want you to feel the least bit guilty....just hold on to his memory and love. I'm also sure that our energy/spirit lives on. It's just in a different realm, yet all around us. He's still with you! You didn't see his body die but that isn't what made him who he was. It's like feeling guilty for a cocoon and not being joyous for the butterfly.
((((hugs))))
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Very sorry for your loss. It is my belief, from what you have shared, that your brother passed away, with the full knowledge of how much you loved and cared about him. No guilt required.
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
As someone who is codependent to the fault I feel I can do everything for everyone. One of my letting go episodes was realising I could not be there for either my mother or my father's death. I found it impossible to do that. I do not think I can be all things to everyone anymore. Taking care of me has had to take a huge priority because I simply was not surviving anymore. I can no longer be all things to everyone and anyone. I just have to try to take care of me.
I hope you will not beat yourself up over this. I know it sounds to me that your brother was taken care of. In my insanity in codependence I think it is only me that is supposed to take care of everyone except me.
You have the choice - you can put your guilt behind you, and accept that you made your choices with no malice in your heart, and with peace already made between your brother and yourself. Or, you can torment yourself. It's entirely up to you - it really is. The only other person who would have had a say in this is gone.
I've faced a lot of death in the last year and a half. I have had to come to terms with the reality that there is no perfect death - there will always have been some important word left unsaid, some sweet gesture left undone. All we can usefully do with our regrets is use them to inform our future - say those words, make those gestures, give those hugs. We always think we have so much time, and then suddenly it is all gone.
So, tell your sisters you love them, and how glad you are that they were there for your brother. Then let it go.
So sorry about the loss of your brother. I am praying for your HP to bring you peace within your heart, for only our HP knows what we can bear. The image of your brother smiling and joyful. Your brother no doubt Knew that you loved him. And yes, he is in a much better place.
Take care my dear.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I too am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I too believe he knows how much you loved him and is probably so proud of you for taking care of yourself.
I highly recommend "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" by Colgrove, Bloomfield and McWilliams. It is an excellent resource. It's a very small and short, quick to read book full of tips and wonderful poems.
love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
