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I have been very detached from AH since last Saturday, mainly because I am just trying to protect myself from his emotional abuse, which he denies.
Because of the total lack of emotional intimacy, emotional abuse, his violent anger, etc I have not wanted any pyhsical contact, I talk very little except for things that have to be talked about. No real attempts at communication since I know these will only be met by more EA from him and the silent treatment etc. so I have detached because I know any of the above attempts will result in more emotional pain, for me, and this is the only way I know to protect myself. Also I can't be physically intimate or affectionate when I feel a complete lack of emotional closeness. I would only feel used.
so Ah does not know how to cope with this, he is blaming me for my distance, asking me why I do not want anything to do with him. This from the man who rewards my attempts at closeness with the silent treatment and rejection. When he asks me what is wrong, I say nothing. If I try to talk about my feelings he will only walk out or get angry, hence my now unwillingness to try to talk to him about my feelings. He is now blaming me for my detachment, sulking. pouting, acting like he is totally baffeled by my behavior. Whatever!
So how do I answer him in a way that he will comprehend, and in a way that will not result in more anger and abuse on his part? I am so tired of his games, and I am ready to throw in the towel. He just does not care because it is always about him, and his "meme" mentality. He does not see ME, nor does he have any clue as to who I am. He is totally self-absorbed.
So how do I answer him in a way that he will comprehend, and in a way that will not result in more anger and abuse on his part? You can't make an alcoholic understand or comprehend something that he/she can not understand.
I had a tremendous amount of frustration over the years in trying to 'make' my alcoholic daughter understand what I was saying. It was like trying to fit a round peg in a square hole.
It wasn't until I truly accepted I was powerless over her alcoholism, and any amount of trying to communicate to her what she was doing with her life was futile, that I finally started to find some peace of mind.
My ex was a rage-aholic and extremely abusive.
I refuse to live like that anymore.
I don't know how anyone can live in a situation like that and find recovery.
The abuse, both physical and emotional left me a sobbing heap of nothingness, with zero self-esteem.
It was like one of those cartoon characters where the big hammer pummels the character deeper and deeper into the ground.
I don't have to put up with that, and today I don't.
Today I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I won't settle for anything less, and that's why I prefer to remain without a relationship in my life.
-- Edited by Tenderheartsks at 21:54, 2008-02-06
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I sat and pondered on this a moment. The question that kept popping in my head was "Why does she have to answer at all?"
You are looking for an answer to appease him. why? You're afraid the wrong answer will upset him. (walking on eggshells?)
I can pretty much promise that any answer you give will not be the right one, so why bother? It will be your fault, your weakness, your insecurity, you you, you, blah blah blah. These feelings are yours to keep if you so choose. You aren't required to share them with him or anyone else.
I used to say things like "When/If I figure it out for myself, I'll let you know".
Maybe, just maybe.....after a while he might ask the man in the mirror the question instead of you.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Tenderheart.....You are right that he will not comprehend anything I say, he does not even hear me, he has shown me this over and over. You would think that he could figure out that the reason I am not talking or trying to get him to talk is because he gets angry, pouts, blames me, gives the silent treatment, basically EA whenever I have tried in the past. He has conditioned me not to talk about my feelings, so why does he even ask what they are? I think its more mind games, trying to suck me in so he can bring me back down with the EA. Cruel.
christy.....I like what you said too, why do I have to say anything given his history of abuse, I am just setting myself up no matter what I say to him.
someone told me on the other forum I go to that by responding to him, trying to get him to talk, or begging for his affection(which I practically have to do most of the time) is exactly what he wants me to do. It feeds his ego, makes me appear weak to him, makes him feel powerful and in control of me because he wants me to do these things, so he can bring me back down with the EA. Maybe you are right, maybe he will look in the mirror one day for the answer. But I honestly doubt it.
I think it was very very very hard for me to see how the A sought to control me at all times. After all he was the master at abandonment. After a while I simply could not be abandoned anymore. I held fast to my detachment too. I found it extremely hard. I think for me it was sheer survival. The A had taken us down so hard and so fast I knew I had no where else to go.
I am sad for you and glad for you that you can see this. I had very very very little over the years from the A in terms of emotional closeness. I stopped looking for it and that was so so so huge for me.
Christy, easier said than done when you have a big angry fussy pouty temper-tantruming man stomping around the house giving you the silent treatment!! I know what that feels like! But, I think that would be the time to just go to a movie alone or something? You know, get out, get away from them.
I love THSKS's typo in the first sentence where the word alcohol was used instead of alcoholic. It is just like talking to some vodka in a glass...how do you expect a glass of vodka or a bottle of beer comprehend what you say?!
Last night, in my meeting on the second step we were talking about sanity and insanity and someone mentioned that whenever they begin to think that someone needs to change-bingo- that is when they slip into insanity. It was what I needed to hear last night and its still with me today.
Our need and desire to change others is our disease and this program helps us to free us from this constant urge. J.
All I can think of to say about this might be kinda off topic, but it's what I have -
I wanted to live in the kind of home where people got up to greet family as they came home, with a smile, a word, a kiss. I wanted to live in the kind of home where people said good night to each other before they went to bed, and gave a little hug and kiss. I wanted to live in a home where there were fond gestures - a pat, a squeeze of the hand .
If it had been up to my husband, we would not have lived like that - he would have let that type of thing slide pretty early in our marriage. However, it was not up to him. I wanted to live in that kind of a home, so *I* did those things. Even when there were long patches when it was not reciprocated, I did them, because that's the kind of home I wanted.
I love THSKS's typo in the first sentence where the word alcohol was used instead of alcoholic. It is just like talking to some vodka in a glass...how do you expect a glass of vodka or a bottle of beer comprehend what you say?! Was that a Freudian slip or what? LOL! I did catch the typo later!
It really is as effective as talking to a glass of vodka.
My oldest alcoholic daughter isn't drinking right now, but she's dry, NOT sober. She has no program of recovery for herself. She's on strict probation, subject to random UA's, and has $1800 in fines to pay off from the last jail stint (stolen credit card, used it and forged a name on the receipt).
It's still like trying to talk to a drunk, so our communication is very limited.
Her mind is closed, she feels she doesn't have a problem, and nothing has changed except she's playing the games to get her by on probation.
She's lost custody of her children (OD'd in front of them), has moved over 30 times in the past 5 years because she keeps getting kicked out after someone takes her in, and I've now lost track of how many times she's been in jail.
But she doesn't have a problem...
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
