As and their Rhetoric - Al-Anon Family Group

optimistundone · Veteran Member

As and their Rhetoric

babysteps · Senior Member

I think A's either want to help, but in the end can't; or just tell us what we want to hear and are willing to pay the consequence of letting us down. I too learned not to have expectations, they are built in let downs. I learned to tell him to only say yes if he meant it, but then to expect him to follow through and not do for him what he is responsible for doing himself...even if that means stepping over things, biting my tongue, and not having things completed on my time frame. It takes work, but it's worth it.

kari80 · Newbie

I can't believe I never saw that until I read your post...Everything was maybe or probably, it would have saved some frustration if he would have just said no or not made any promise. Especially with the baby, he'd say wake me up when he needs his middle of the night bottle & I'll feed him. Guess how many times he actually did. Zero.

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

OU, that is a really tough one. MY AH says all the time "talk to you soon". I have not talked with him in MONTHS!! Its the disease. It makes them feel good, I guess. I try to ignore it. It never ceases to amaze me how inarticulate people are. Not just A's but many many people just use words to fill in empty spaces and have no idea what is coming out of their mouths. This is another reason not to take what people say as personally insulting, etc. Lots of people have good intentions, they want to help. I used to date a guy who would always say: "I would love to but I can't" and then go on and on about his "inertial moment". What a completely bizarre thing to say!! Even I could see that it was not worth wasting time or energy on that one!! All I can do is focus on keeping my own words good with people. Hugs, J.

-- Edited by Jean4444 at 12:36, 2008-02-06

round3 · Senior Member

Ha! How true! I came to realize that "maybe" was code for "no way in hell!". I came to just understand and accept that. That way when something didn't happen, I wasn't disappointed. I wonder if they are as aware of it as we are. I tend to agree with babysteps that they are probably just willing to pay the consequences of letting us down.

~r3

Loupiness · ~*Service Worker*~

I find this post facinating in that many of the similarities As share are so minute. There is a sense of "ahhhh" sometimes to read and discover that the odd little traits that we may deam as character flaws, may really just be a part of the disease after all.

My brother is an A and goes nuts if you speak in any term that signifies an absolute. So, you can't say "always", "never", or speak in any way that can even remotely be interpreted as nonflexible. It progressed to the point where he even had a fit when my sis-in-law said, "I need to have the Christmas lights down", to which he went off into some rhetoric about not "need" vs. "want", blah, blah, blah... Yeah... so when it gets to the point that you have to analyze your every word to fit your partner's semantic style, uhhh, it's waaaay to much work.

Perhaps it is a way of releasing themselves from having to take responsibility or maintain any sense of accountability. Never thought of it that way before, but it sure makes sense now.

Thanks.

Lou

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.