The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
...however before I say anything further, I want to thank all of you who responded to me, one way or another, on my last post. I have appreciated every word that you have communicated to me. I have spent hours reading and rereading and contemplating each word, the hard facts, the questions, the truth and the encouragement you have given me, as well as the love that you have shown, and I have NOT dismissed any one of your remarks.
Twice I have typed up a response, and twice my computer has frozen and kicked me off the network. For hours I tried to responded and I could not get online. I concluded that I was not meant to and that I had to wait.
So, I quietly went and talked with my God, and waited for Him to speak to me.
Now it seems right to respond:
It was lots of little things that have ocurred over the last month, that caused me to think of quitting.
I see that I became afraid and fearful of all that the past has held, I got to doubting ME - doubting that I could deal with this, to look it all in the face and cope with the pain involved to work through it in order to get better.
I felt I had got too much, too soon, too full on and I lost faith in ME and I did not like the necessity of being selfish and introverted and single minded. So all I could think of doing was to shut things down.
Suddenly I was running scared, and as fast as I could away from all of it.
I lost faith in ME, MY abilities, good intentions, contributions, endurance, strengths and I let MY weaknesses take over. However, I have come to realise that quitting is only going to put this off for another day...another time and it will be harder the next time, so I guess it makes sense to stay and work this out and try to harness the fear of the treatment and the pain, and think of it in the same way as one thinks of surgery, it is painful but in time and with good care it will heal and heal well.
I am going to work this out...I will NOT be letting go my programme, or this family.
Darn the depression, my sensitivities, the past, the neglect, and my incredible peaks and troughs!
I got to really read your responses and pm's and breathe and take things in again; calm my irrationalities and then consider talking with you, really talking with you and telling you what I know has got me to this stage, and I know that it is no coinsidence that my internet connection crashed and I was not able to reply immediately to you all. Truly I believe it was intervention from above.
The last 24 hours have been solitary and not miss-spent - being on my own I have the space to pray and listen, and to process what you have all said to me. As a result, I have raised my hands and gripped the muddy sides of this pit I have found myself in and I am attempting to claw myself up out of it.
If I quit now, I stay here and I am not happy to stay here. More than that, I WILL NOT stay here. I realise that I will feel more pain before I find full recovery, but this is where God has brought me, and He has shown me like souls who identify, and furthermore, have been just where I am now.
I see that what I did was LET GO and for an instant LET GO of GOD too.WRONG!
Good job He did not LET GO of me.
Guess what, this was a horrible way to learn that one.
I hope you will accept me back in the sheep-fold. It's far more scarey on the outside.
HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I agree with the others....you are home...and you didn't leave. I too know that feeling of wanting to just give up...I think most of us have felt that way at some time. I remember what my sponsor at the time told me...this too shall pass. You will get thru it. To me this is a sign of progress. So a big hug for you...you are making progress. Awareness of how we feel and why we feel the way we do is steps forward. The next step is acceptance...and my dear you did that too. And then there is action....my dear one...you achieved that aslo. For me one of the beautiful aspects of alanon is that we do love one another no matter what we are going through. We do understand the pain. I am grateful for your posts. Glad you are part of my family of choice. Sending you lots of positive thoughts and energy. Hang in there and keep coming back...you are loved. your friend in recovery, rosie
For me this program is a way of life. It is my life. So, I don't even entertain the idea that I could quit. In fact, I don't know if I have ever thought about it in those terms. I came for about 18 months years ago, fought with the ideas I was hearing at meetings, I was really angry at these people who thought it was so easy, and could laugh and had choices and lived their lives. So I stopped comming. I don't even think I did it consciously, I just stopped being interested. About a year after that, I hit MY bottom and came running back to these rooms. That was 5 years ago. I made a commitment to myself to attend meetings, for me. That was all I could commit to at the time. Now, it is just what I do and who I am. This is my family. And if I decided to quit, this program would still be with me, within me.
I am very glad you decided to stay. We need you! I am glad you shared your process with us. It gave me the chance to see that I still have choices, I can decide to change my life if I want to, or have to. Welcome back!!!!
You were always a part of this family, and will continue to be. We can all understand this feeling of wanting to quit. But I think that you have discovered that even though the progress may seem slow, we must all continue with our program, taking baby steps, slowly but surely coming to a place of healing, on this road to recovery.
You are most assuredly in my prayers. Take care of yourself my dear.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I so have to respond to your Let Go, Let God....I kept saying it and every time my HP tried to help I would interupt his work....LOL it is easier to really let go let God....I still sometimes slip but then remember to be still and let my HP do his work..... One other thing that helped me when I am beating myself up over something I did or didn't do, or when crisis seems to be knocking, I simply repeat..."This is not the end of the world, THE END OF THE WORLD IS THE END OF THE WORLD!" It seems to remind me that some things seem horrible at the time, and I feel like I can't cope, but they are just little in end... Be gentle with yourself. Hugs
I really really hear what you are saying as I have been going round and round with dispair, anger, depression and wanting to flee. I can't go back to being in denial and I can't get to the future fast enough and I especially don't like where I am either...... I'm way behind you on this path but not that far so I can see how you feel and see you.......... look back, that's me waving.
I've been doing so much that my head was spinning and ready to explode with all the new info. I realized that I was afraid to go forward knowing now it could get worse or more painful before it got better. I've slowed down to absorb and use what I have learned before I go forward. Easy does it and one day at a time is the only way....... I just wanted to be done with all this and get on with a better way, a better life. Like all things, it is not the destination but the journey and if I go too fast, I can't see some of the things that might bring joy to balance the pain. Like walking vs riding in a car, you can just see so much more.
It is so nice to see this MIP family support no matter what. It is so nice knowing you are still here. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You know, I can't tell you how many times I seriously thought of contacting John (OP) and saying "I really appreciate what y'all have done for me, but it's becoming clear I'm not wanted here, and I need to leave."
Maybe this could be a challenge to create an environment without bullying. If somoene like HB was ready to quit, what about others?
Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this way - and please correct me if I'm wrong HB - but I didn't read her post like she wanted to quit the board because of something someone said or did here. I read it more that she was feeling defeated by this disease, and that she was losing faith in herself because of it. Did I read it wrong?
I haven't been here that long (only 2 months), but I certainly have felt welcomed and understood here. Rarely have I seen anything unpleasant happen here. And even then, I read it more as confronting someone in a positive way.
I'm all for people confronting me when I "need" it. Sometimes I get very blind to my own shortcomings, failures, or character defects. I don't have a problem with someone pointing it out to me if it's done in a caring way. And that's what I've witnessed here.
!!!!
