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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, my kids just left for their first weekend with their dad. Not sure how I feel about it. I feel sadness in that this wasn't the way it was supposed to be. I feel anger that my ah is acting so nice, but is really just an a**. Lastly, I feel guilty in that I feel some relief in knowing I can have some time to myself. Is that bad? Funny how his interest in visitation changed once the papers got filed. I am keeping a calendar and documenting it all.
The older kids weren't too excited in that they know there is not too much to do in dad's apartment. He suggested they get boots on and splash in the puddles downtown. Let's just say my 14 yr old wasn't jumping for joy on that one. When I suggested to my husband that the kids need to do homework and that I don't want them having to do it all Sunday night, I saw a look of relief on his face. Yay! Something to do!
When he left I told the kids I loved them and to have fun. I didn't tell them to be good or not fight. Okay, bad, bad, me! As I walked into the house my husband said, "I hope you have a peaceful and productive time". I just gave him a blank stare, I guess, and he said "as best you can" or something like that. Apparently, he is doing me a favor and was expecting kudos for being a dad. Whatever... I just wanted to say, "welcome to the rest of your life, buddy!"
So, I have big plans, starting with totally cleaning out the bathrooms. Big whoop! Tonight I will be going to an annual Mardi Gras party. Should be fun in that I don't have to worry about getting a sitter for the kids or or being the sitter for my husband and worry about him getting sloshed. Reminds me of a couple of yrs ago when my friend and I ended up locking my ah in the car to sleep and then we went back in to sit and watch and laugh at all the intoxicated people on the dance floor. Sounds wierd? Yeah, maybe, small town entertainment, ya know?
Anyway, I am a bit worried that I will run into my ah's g/f tonight. I am just going to keep repeating to myself that I do not want an assault or murder charge on me. Not going to let her possible presence keep me from a night out, but I need to be able to conduct myself properly. I need to keep it all about my kids and what is best for them. If I keep thinking that perhaps I will behave accordingly?
Anyhoooo, on to get some work done. No real point to this post other than to just "get it out". So cathartic, as you all know.
Thanks for being here.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 14:41, 2008-01-26
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
I just wanted to tell you (yet again!) that I really admire you. I do not leave my house for fear of running into ex or GF. I don't go to any fun social functions because of the possibility. I choose to see it as taking care of myself but I am beginning to get to the point that I see it as him still controlling me. I wish for the strength to get out there again. I think you're swell (((LOU)))!! And my kids are away tonight so I rented Superbad (which is hysterical I thought when I saw it in the theather) because I can't watch it with kids around. You go have a good time and assume that any guilt feeling is a sign of you taking care of you!
Good luck tonight, you seem so level headed. IF you run into girlfriend just remember you can always say or do something another time but taking stuff back is impossible so do NOTHING act nothing let her see nothing (wish I would have taken this advice several times in my life) Just be happy- she can have him and all the problems she will be facing or not but why do you care anyway!! Be happy, and by the way after over 5 years out of a bad relationship I can tell you for certain The kids figure stuff out on their own-you don't have to say or do anything but be a good Mom- They will know what's up with what all in good time.
I have clean bathrooms and had a good night. Apparently, the g/f left before I got there, but I danced with her husband in a group. I had a hard time making eye contact with him and he made an effort to say hello to me. I honestly believe he is clueles, and I kept in that way.
Yes, the kids will figure it all out in good time. In the meantime, I need to let go of my anger and work on my relationship with them. They deserve way more than I've been giving them.
Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
