The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am mad that you have no idea how sad and distraught our children are
I am mad that I cannot make them feel better
I am mad that I will have to uproot them from the life they love
I am mad that you get to be with them at your convenience and give them the best of you
I am mad that you always get to be the hero
I am mad that you aren't, nor have rarely been, here for homework and overall support in raising our children
I am mad tht I haven't done a better job
I am mad that our children are paying the price for our mistakes
I am mad that you are the liar and cheater, but on the advise of counselors I must not lay blame, accept the kids to be angry at me, and believe one day they will know the truth
I am mad that the kids take their anger out on eachother
I am mad that the personality of our sweet precious 3 yr old is being influenced by the pain of the people around him
I am mad that I can't tell the kids the truth
I am mad that while I was rolling coins to buy groceries, and dumping retirement money into our business to keep it afloat, you were sneaking your girlfriend into rehab
I am mad that from rehab you wrote letters full of promises to me and the kids and then broke them all
I am mad that you are choosing to destroy the lives of 5 innocent children
I am mad that you put your wants and needs above all else
I am mad that you did not put any effort into living our family life as a healthy and sober man
I am mad that you didn't put effort into repairing our marriage. Counseling and a marriage class while addicted and having an affair, don't count as trying
I am mad that I must keep your secrets to protect our children, and you can only berate me for it
I am mad that I completely trusted you for years
I am mad that I lived in denial
I am mad that I did not use the disolutions of our sisters' marriages as a springboard to be proactive in strengthening/fixing our own
I am mad that you put your own selfish needs far and above the commitment to raise happy, healthy children
I am mad that you can simply throw away all our years together and ignore your marriage vows
I am mad that you will defend your lying cheating alcoholic girlfriend over your wife, who never intentionally hurt you and spent her life supporting you so you could achieve your dream
I am mad that I did not treat my marriage as the gift that it was
I am mad that there are no "do-overs"
I am mad that you cannnot end our marriage in a dignified and respectful way
That's enough for now. I am sending this list to MIP instead of my ah, but I am tempted.... probably not a good idea?
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Lou, Go ahead and vent to us anytime... that's what we're here for. I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this. Please know that you're in my thoughts today.
Take care of you... Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Your list included 90% of the things I am also mad about....the difference being I am mad at my son and EXDIL. Affairs didn't play a role here, but the life of an innocent 2 year old has played a huge role. Yes, mad doesn't begin to express the feel in one's gut, does it? The boiling, seething resentment is familiar territory to me and I can fully feel it in your post.
It probably isn't a good idea to sent this to your A. I received a memorial program from a friend this week...her husband of 40 years died of lung cancer just before Christmas. It was filled with little snippets of his philosophies; he was an upright wonderful man by all accounts and here was one quote that stuck with me: WHILE YOU ARE HOLDING A GRUDGE, THEY ARE OUT DANCING!!
yikes...i DIDN'T FINISH WITH THAT POST.....the computer got impatient?????
Anyway, I know that as I sit angry and missing life my son and his EX are out in the world doing things, seemingly having fun (dancing??), and paying my condition little to no attention. So it is safe to post that anger here. I am quite sure you will strike nerves all over the place this morning. And you have a right to be mad. I am following your situation closely and you are in my thoughts each day.
One thing I am doing is writing several letters a week to my little grandbaby. These will be attached to my will and stipulated that they may be given to him (via my attorney/trustee) when is reaches 21 or beyond. These letters are not vindictive or angry toward his parents...just truthful as to what has happened to our family, how much we love him, how much we hope his life will turn out well. By the time he reads them, it will be history in the family. Perhaps they won't mean much, but for now, they serve my purpose. And I am very very careful with my wording, even tho he will be an adult by the time he receives them along with his inheritance. He will not be able to receive inheritance until he is at least 21. I seriously doubt my husband or I will be here by the time he reaches 21. But I will leave a legacy to him which will give him an account of this time period in his life and mine. I don't know whether anyone will think this a good idea or not, but it is making me feel better that he not be left somewhere up the road wondering what happened when he was yet a baby.
Hang in there, Lou......each day will unfold and each step will be taken. Another of the quotes from that memorial book was: MAKE A MESS OR MAKE A MEMORY. I keep pondering how that one fits with me.
I was mad too, it gets better. You have every right to be mad. When you started out you didn't seem very mad and I think this is the next logical step. Pretty soon you will find some acceptance and the resentments will fade. Be GREATFUL for your kids, that YOU have them and not him that YOU will get the joy of seeing them grow up and THEY WILL KNOW IT!!! I tell my kids the truth. I'm not sure why you can't, I don't think secrets solve anything and I think he deserves to feel the consequences of his choices. You covering up for him with the kids only keeps him from feeling that. Some are too young to understand but others aren't. There's a difference between protecting your kids and just plain lying to them. You are not the one who chose to divorce and I think it's ok to let the kids know that you are hurt and sad about it too. You don't have to make him out to be the hero or the demon, just human and it is what it is.
Geeze, Lou, I am mad TOO!!!! Use your anger. I agree with what CG said. I know my mother "kept" things from me and always seemed upset, in a sense. I'm sure she thought she was doing the right thing by keeping me in the dark but had she been able to be honest with her feelings, I think I would have been able to see her as human also and probably not been such an incredible brat to her. But that's her, she sent me to councling insted of talking to me. I know there is a fine line between sharing your pain with your kids, but there is no shame in being human. This hurts! Alot! These are way more than just your kids, they are your family. Ofcourse, there's this new fangled thing called parental alienation so you do have to be careful about what you say. But talking to your kids about you and your feelings could defuse some of the pain and anger you all are feeling. You're right, reality is, you are basically it as far as a stable "I'll put your need first and love you unconditionally" parent. You can't count on or trust him anymore. He is no longer your partner in this. Maybe that will change with time, sobriety, who knows. Vent away, Lou. And I would guess you are right to vent here and NOT to him. Being angry makes us vunerable and look weak. Be mad, scream and yell. It's good for you!
Actually this is something that DOES need to be shared. It needs to be shared in a private therapy session with you and your exhusband with the therapist. Your husband, a while back, kept sending you the text messages begging for forgiveness? This is where you and he and the therapist sit down and you share your feelings. You say, very carefully, how you feel. You use "I statements." You start out with something like "A while back, you apologized and asked me for forgiveness. Before I move forward, I want to share with you how I am feeling at this moment about our relationship, and how I am feeling about us. I am going to ask you to listen very carefully, to not interrupt, and to carefully consider what I am saying. I am going to ask you to please keep what I am saying in this session, and to respect my feelings." Then, you go something like this:
"I am feeling angry that you chose to file for divorce because as a result I am experiencing [our children feeling responsible; our children feeling angry at me; our children...] "I am feeling angry that you chose to file for divorce because as a result I am experiencing [a feeling that I failed you as a wife; the feeling that I didn't do enough to support you as a partner; the feeling that I didn't try hard enough...] "I am feeling hurt that you chose to file for divorce because as a result I am experiencing... [feelings that I was lied to; feelings that I was let down; feelings that I was betrayed; feelings that I wasn't good enough...] "I am feeling shocked that you chose to file for divorce because as a result I am experiencing... [anger at myself for believing what you told me as a result of your drinking; anger at myself for living in denial; ashamed of myself for tolerating unacceptable behavior; ashamed of myself for allowing you to behave the way you did toward our children;....] "I am feeling betrayed that you are filing for divorce because... [there is someone else; that you don't seem to value our marraige enough; that you are choosing to end our marriage this way...]
And then, just like you asked him, **IT IS OVER**. You have said what you needed to say. You end it here. Any other thing you need to say, say here, say to a sponsor, make a private appointment. He now knows how you feel. You end it by saying "I want to thank you for listening, I appreciate that you heard me out, and I value that you came to the session. It means alot. Would you like to share how you feel in response to what I am sharing with you? If he tries to pick a fight, you respond in "I statements:" "I'm sorry you feel that way;" "You may be right, but you don't have the right to attack me;" "I appreciate that this was hard to hear, but I felt it was important that you understood how I felt;" "You agreed to hear me out, and this was what I needed to say;" "Just because you don't remember what I'm sharing doesn't mean it didn't happen;" "Please don't speak to me in this [tone/manner/etc];" "While I appreciate you're upset, you don't have the right to [say hurtful things; call me names; be derisive or dorogitory; etc]" And it is OVER. It doesn't get brought up again. You don't bring it into fights/courts/ etc. Good luck. And GREAT WORK.
Everyday I LEARN SOMETHING NEW ABOUT SELF EXPRESSION and this one was a great lesson.
I admire you for setting down your anger. That is what I have been told to do so many times and I have not felt it right to do so. For years I kept in all in side. It has only just started to bubble and dribble out. I think this is the best place to let it all out and what courage that you showed that it is OKAY to do that...for no one here is going to tell you not to be mad. You have every right to be mad, just as I do.
Again Lou, thank you for showing me that it is OKAY, hope some of the steam in your pot has escaped and the pressure has gone down.
Y I P E E for this WONDERFUL family.
Heart
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I didn't have that much luck in sending messages/notes to the A. I know in the end he did hear that I was angry and did not want him around anymore. He definitely heard it. Nevertheless when I was in the process of negotiating separation whatever with him he didn't hear one thing. He was and is still furious I left him and stopped helping him. His sense of entitlement was huge. I did learn things from dealing with him. I learned a lot about limits. I also learned that trust was earned not something I just give to people.
I would show that list to your lawyer. If I understand it, you are trying a non-combative divorce (sorry, I can't remember the proper term just now) and some way of working out these feelings needs to be part of it.
You have every right to decide not to act on these feelings, but if you try to deny the reality of them, to everyone, you are not working in your own best interests. There is some form of counselling involved in your divorce, use it. And if there isn't, get yourself some.
We say "fake it til you make it" sometimes here. To me, this does not mean pretending that I am not going through whatever I'm going through, but rather acting the way a mentally and emotionally healthy person would good self esteem would act. The sanest, serenist and most stable person in the world would have problems, going through what you are going through. And, that sane and serene person would get some help.
(((((Lou))))))))) I could feel MY OWN hurt and anger being unloaded when I read your post. Very cathartic. How very liberating to put those thoughts and feelings out there - and how wise of you to do it in such a safe place. I know my temptation would be to hit the "send" button and let him know about it. Even though my "recovering self" knows SO much better. One day I'll close the gap between my recovering self and my actual self. I keep praying for that day to hurry up and get here. Peace, R3
Anger is very much part of the grieving process Lou. Go ahead and feel those feelings with us. Let the poison out in a very safe way so you can be there for your beautiful, precious children who are even more powerless than you are.
We are here for you, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I wish you weren't going through all this but yet for a brighter future someday, this is probably the healthiest way to get there. I don't presume to know much yet as I keep learning how to work it so it works. Your vent did spark something in me about how or good to be angry vs I turn this all into depression. I have learned from your forward step, thank you. I and all of us are here for you. Keeping you in my prayers.
hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
It was really helpful to make two separate lists: the "I" ones and the "you" ones. I think this is a great tool for me. Thank you for posting, it helped me to see some of the things I am going through also and to see that the "I" list might fall under the "courage to change the things I can" (for the future) and the "You" list the "accept the things I cannot change". This is for myself only, in my own processing of anger, but your post helped me to see what I can do for myself, thank you. J.
Thank you for all the kind replies. Your compassion is overwhelming.
I still feel tempted to send to my ah, but I have learned that rarely if ever can I get a desired reaction from him. In the situation I would only want for him to "hear" and understand. Sounds simple, but I know is really impossible. He's most likely reply with an equally long laundry list. I just need to let it go for now...
Thank you for being here and listening to me.
Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
. I know there is a fine line between sharing your pain with your kids, but there is no shame in being human. This hurts! Alot! These are way more than just your kids, they are your family. Ofcourse, there's this new fangled thing called parental alienation so you do have to be careful about what you say. But talking to your kids about you and your feelings could defuse some of the pain and anger you all are feeling. You're right, reality is, you are basically it as far as a stable "I'll put your need first and love you unconditionally" parent. You can't count on or trust him anymore. He is no longer your partner in this. Maybe that will change with time, sobriety, who knows. Vent away, Lou. And I would guess you are right to vent here and NOT to him. Being angry makes us vunerable and look weak. Be mad, scream and yell. It's good for you!
