The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to this Alanon and group chat thing. I guess Im just looking for a little advice on how to deal with everything. My husband has been an alcoholic and drug addict for about 10 years now. He just got out of rehab after he had a breakdown all on his own and decided to go. I thought I was happy about it, this is what I thought I wanted for the last decade of my life but now that he's home, I'm so confused. I feel like I don't know him (maybe I never did). I feel that once again, I'm having to change my life to accomidate him (like having to give up a night out with the girls and rearrange my schedule for all his meetings and therapy) to show that I'm supportive of him. I'm trying to show my support but he doesn't understand that I learned to be on my own during his long bouts of partying and I kind of like it like this now. I feel like just because he went to rehab finally, that it doesn't take away the pain and abuse that he put myself and kids through. I'm trying not to be selfish but I don't know how else to deal with everything. This is what i've had to do for a long time now. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you!
I don't share your particular situation but the Alcoholics Anonymous book known as the Big Book has a few chapters devoted to the wife, family, others, etc. that might be helpful to you at this point.
Please join us in chat as well for some encouragement and friendship.
Welcome aboard and keep coming, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I have heard it said so many times by those who have a newly retired husband that they find it hard to adjust to having them around all the time, and as with so many new situations it takes time to adjust to them.
Some of your problem is very similar to that situation. You have spent so many years doing, being, relying on you to sort out the house, bring up the children, entertain yourself that now you seem to be having trouble having him around too.
My situation was that I had a serving member of HMForces who spent more time away than at home and I lived a dual life, one when he was away and I was my own working full time, looking after the house and garden,bringing up two children and entertaining myself and another life when he was around...and the other when he was around he was drinking, and either missing or violent and disruptive so I do understand you.r situation from that point of view. The only difference was the rehab...he never got through that and into acceptance and recovery.
Remember, to be supportive you do not need to give up your whole life, and he needs to understand that too. You still need to do things for you. You can still be supportive and live your life too. You just need time to adjust and so does he. And you would be wise to reinforce this again and again, gently but firmly. I know that sounds like a contradiction but it isn't, what I am trying to say is take care not to give the message of pushing him away and rejecting him, but let him know that you need space to be you too, if that is what you want.
I wish you both well. Take care of you; the pain does not go away over night so I will hold you in my prayers. It is baby steps for both of you.
Keep coming back here and sharing, you will find bucketfuls of support from this family.
Love in recovery Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
I am new to this Alanon and group chat thing. I guess Im just looking for a little advice on how to deal with everything. My husband has been an alcoholic and drug addict for about 10 years now. He just got out of rehab after he had a breakdown all on his own and decided to go. I thought I was happy about it, this is what I thought I wanted for the last decade of my life but now that he's home, I'm so confused. I feel like I don't know him (maybe I never did). I feel that once again, I'm having to change my life to accomidate him (like having to give up a night out with the girls and rearrange my schedule for all his meetings and therapy) to show that I'm supportive of him. I'm trying to show my support but he doesn't understand that I learned to be on my own during his long bouts of partying and I kind of like it like this now. I feel like just because he went to rehab finally, that it doesn't take away the pain and abuse that he put myself and kids through. I'm trying not to be selfish but I don't know how else to deal with everything. This is what i've had to do for a long time now. I would appreciate any advice. Thank you!
