The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been on my own now for 18 years. My AH is no longer in my life, I did not have anything like this family for support, indeed I did not have any support during my 20 years with my A and all maternal and paternal family members shunned me and my children, mine telling me that I should have left him the first time that he was violent toward me and his telling I was the one who caused his drinking and violence.
I have to constantly tell myself that it is NEVER TOO LATE for anything and that although it may be after the worst events in my life, and after 38 years of constant lone survival and abuse from so many people in my life that whatever I can salvage now is really important.
For years I have been existing and trying to simply get by, and there has not been the time, energy or the resources available to me to concentrate on recovery for me.
And yet, there are still days when I sit down and wonder, is it really too late for me?
I am so very tired and now my physical health is really poor and I am not able to engage in paid employment because of my poor health and I am barely living. However, I am so grateful for the support that I have now, here in this family and the wonderful friends, albeit few - they really are loving; but I am so very tired. It means that my situation is unlikely to change much and the best part of my life is over. It really boils down to quality of life and I so want that to improve.
One hour at a time right now, grateful for all that I have succeeded to do so far.
Guess the depression is speaking right now.
trying to heal - Heartbroken
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
((((((((((heartbroken))))))))))))))) I am SO sorry you're feeling this way right now. It is hard living the life that many of us have lived - being caught between the A and the family especially.
As long as we are breathing it is never too late for us. It's up to us to find the things that bring us happiness and hope for tomorrow. Some days (especially when I'm in my hole), it's hard to let any light in. Everything is a little easier and less daunting when there's a little light brought to it. Bite off a smaller piece. You don't have to fix your entire world tonight. Maybe just find a little corner of it and work with that.
I, too, can easily fall into a hole - where things look pretty hopeless. But at those darkest moments, I find it comforting to come here and read about the promises of al-anon, and the strength of those who have gone before me. Many with obstacles MUCH greater than I have. I also find it helpful to write down my feelings - it gives me clarity (if you like to write). And then, there's always that darned gratitude list, that forces me to find a few bright moments in my day.
I'm always inspired by your posts. I'm glad you're here.
My dear English friend, well you know I do relate hon.
You know I believe it is partly our age. Being in our fifties is sorta weird. We aren't old, yet we are feeling our bodies going well, bad.
So maybe we have not accepted yet that it is ok, and the way it is.
For instance I used to build things, put fences up and not stop even to eat. Now I work until I feel it is time to rest and leave it. It is now ok.
took me awhile to get there. I also may wake up and not feel real well, body achy, tummy not right. Will think, it is ok to just lay in bed, read, watch tv, not do much but cuddle with my animals. In my mind I tell myself if I had the flu, or was in the hospital and absolutely could not do anything, the world would go on, things would wait, and it would all be ok.
It is giving ourselves a gift to say, hey it is ok,just rest. Treat yourself as if you were helping a friend. Look at you from above, what does that lady need?
I have a senior center here, I would go sit there and read watch tv, whatever. People from 50 on hang out there.They usually have potlucks too.
Do you have hangouts there? I like this type becuz you are not pressured to dance or whatever. People play cards or whatever and naturally get to know each other.
I am so glad you are here. It is a family HB.NHB
Am sure many of us suffer from depression even if it is temp kind.
Everyone knows I am plagued with it too. when you share this it helps others to know they can share it too.
sheesh nhb, right now my ginger cat Lovey is bumping his head into my typing fingers...slobbering on them, dang hope it does not blow up my keyboard....
hugs hon, love,debilyn who loves you sis
oh ps, have you ever been on a listserver or two or three with others who are interested in what you are? Of course I am on pot bellied pig lists and a cat list. It ends up being a bunch of friends. its fun.
I have a very similar background. Work is a mixed bag believe me it can be very difficult being out in the work place. I do think it is worthwhile to find interests and try to keep busy. Connecting on the internet helps. I also think it takes a while to build a support network. This group has always been there for me. I use this place as my center and try to work outwards.
Don't give up hon! There is hope! Sometimes we just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other, slowly but surely.
Are you able to get to any of the online meetings either in the morning or the evening? They are so wonderful and the camaraderie there can lighten your heart.
love in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
We really are a family here. If you lived here, you would be comming to my daughter's 5th b-day party next month. I love my alanon family more than my real family. Your esh and your prayers keep me going. Nothing is ever too late. Nothing. Tell us your stories when you feel up to it. I am guessing you have some really great stories based on the ones you have shared with us already. You are wise and kind. I hear your sadness, I hear you. I'm thinking of you tonight....
I am so sorry you are feeling so low. As Maria has said the online meeting is very helpful. I am uplifted each time I participate. The chat room is just a lot of fun. We all kid each other and just act like silly kids sometimes but its a lot of fun.
If you need encouragement though and are going through a hard time, people are there who can talk you through it and help you with the love and encouragement you need. I highly recommend it.
I'm not able to go there as much as I'd like to lately though because of my work schedule, and I really miss the support I get from the online meetings especially.
I will pray for you to have a better day tomorrow, you are a very special person. It makes me sad to see you so discouraged. Take care of yourself.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
HB, I have seen you changing here and I have also read you a lot. You give good advice here. We need u here. Your input is valuable to many here. Keep your chin up and hugs, J.
