The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
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I need some advice on how to handle my A BF's family. He passed away a few days after Christmas and his memorial is this Thursday. They have not included me in ANY of the planning and have been telling people all kinds of stories that simple are not true about him and me. The only one in his family who is keeping me informed is his dad. I received a phone call from one of his family members asking me if I knew where certain things were kept in the house (becuase I lived there) because they were going through all his stuff and getting ready to sell the house. Im sorry in my opinion they could have waited until he was at least buried to go through his things. Not to mention they are accusing me of taking certain things that they claim I have no right having. Little do they know when I moved out I only took what was mine and the items we purchashed together. These people have not been apart of his life for the past three years or so and now they are acting like they were so close with him and that they knew everything about him. Im sorry none of them were around when he was in the hospital for thirty days before he passed away me and his dad were. Now they are acting like they were so close with him. Watching and hearing it all leaves a vomit taste in my mouth. Now this morning they call me and ask me if I have any recent photos of him becasue they need them for the memorial and they prefer them to be just of him. They are trying to act like WE never existed and it really bugs me. Normally I could care less but this time for what ever reason it is hurting my feelings. They did not even tell his friends I had to. They are acting like they are putting on this big production for Broadway or something. I am debating on not even going to the memorial for fear of not being able to hold my tongue and to stomach their show.
I'm so sorry for your loss and for what his family is putting you through. I guess the most important thing is that YOU know what the two of you had and apparently, so does his father. I agree that attending the memorial is something you might want to do for yourself.
Maybe his family is suffering from a load of guilt, thus trying to make up for it with a big memorial, as if to say... see how much we cared about him... See how normal our family really is... as if no one knows the real story. Maybe since you were part of his life toward the end, they associate you and your relationship with his addictions... who knows.... grief does indeed make people crazy.
Please keep coming back, and take care of you!
Love, Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
My AH's family did the same kind of thing when his grandmother dies in March. My AH said the funeral was nice. But then they planned an ashes scattering months later that was just a last poor me party. It was a big "look at us, see how much we hurt, poor us" kind of thing. It really had very little to do with Grandma.
Like Megan says, grief does make people crazy. I would think that guilt for not being around does too.
I really don't have any ESH, but if you would be too uncomfortable at the memorial, knowing it may be staged full of fabrications, a candlelight vigil sounds like something you could get together with a couple of close friends for. Or maybe you could try to just overlook the later part of their dramatizing and be interested in the earlier part of his life. My AH learned a lot about his grandma that he never knew.
Anyway, good luck, whatever you decide to do.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
HOn I have learned in my old age, there are just some really mean, horrible people out there.
I was married to my AH and his family had the nerve to tell me I was not family.
I said that is pretty strange since I was the only one from the "family" who held Larry, my bil as he was dieing and spent a month up there with him in the hospital. Of course they had nothing to say.
I am sad you lost your loved one.
want you to know I don't do funerals. My thing has always been to be there when they are going through the dieing time in their life.
Remember funerals are for the ones who are left behind. do you want to go? Do you need to go to say goodbye?Do you feel you want to support his dad?
in my experience, in the rawness of death, peoples true selves come out, the inside of them, uno?
Hey if it were me, and they called, I would say,since I am not considered part of the family, then I would appreciate it you don't call me again.
I remember someone else came in with a post so much like yours.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I know the pain you must be feeling - and what a slap it is that his family doesn't seem to acknowledge what you meant to each other. But YOU know - and that's all that really matters.
I agree with some of the others who think that maybe going to the service FOR YOU would bring you some closure. I also really like the idea of your own candlit vigil with some of your friends - how very special that would be. Funerals and memorial services ARE for the living, so however you choose to honor his life is up to you.
Thank you for all your wonderful advice. I spoke with his dad last night and told him some of my frustrations with his family and he told me that I was the only one that his son really loved and cared about his whole life and if I decided not to attend the Memorial he would understand. He also told me if I come to hold my head up high and not let the ignorance of others get the best of me. He also said that they are having a reception afterwards (which I was not invited to) and because of how they treated me he told them how disgusted he was and that he would not be attending their little party. Like you all said I know and remember what we had togehter and that is all that really matters. So I have decided to set my frustrations aside with his family and attend his Memorial. Once Thursday is over I do not ever have to talk or see those people again. I do not want to regret not going because I could not suck it up for one day to say my final goodbye to the man that I love.
Sometimes when we are angry we are blinded from our common sense and need a little help from others to get some clarity. That it what you all have done for me. Thank you so much for helping me keep it together.
My mother died a few years ago and my family did very very similar stuff when she died. I was not with here at the time nor did I live in the same country. Tey did the same divide and conquer stuff. Demand, deny, demand deny. When they got what they wanted it was over. I have not spoken to my older sister since. I will probably never speak to her again. I do think some behavior is very very very hard to deal with. My issue has been my behavior. When I am around an A i became a screaming mess. I behaved very very very badly around the A a lot of the times.So my issue is when people are behaving badly around me what do I do. i try super hard not to join them. This week though under pressure at work I became a whiner and one of my coworkers had to remind me to leave that behavior behind. i would not have taken it so well in the past.
So all I would say is that when everyone else is losing it be sure not to lose it too.
