Spirit, you come here in any way you want and we will love you here. Come as you are, be as you are with us. its good for you. It will get better, I know the feeling of hating the weekends, too. Wish I could give you a real hug and squeeze your hand for a minute. Take it gentle, you are on the right path. Tomorrow will be a little better. Hugs, J.

and also Jean thank you too....

Hello Spirit, and hello SLS, I am new, I hate weekends too, my weekends can be 6 to 8 days at a time.  My AH works shift work.  He is ?? in recovery ?? seeing a councillor.  Me I opened a bank account and it has taken me 30 years to do so.  He does not know this of course.  A good friend of mine has help me to open my account.  I now have some money first time I have had money which he does not know of in 30 years.  You want to know what is best about this, its not going on cigerattes and booze.

It is money I am putting to one side, money he will not notice and will be used if I need to find a new life.

I am tired.  I know I did not cause his drinking, and I am not the cause of his drinking, he likes the taste of it and when he gets the taste, well I need to shut up and keep my thoughts to myself. 

We have just started one of these horror weekends when things never seem to end.  He was home 3 and a half hours and he was flaked out on his chair in the shed (his drinking room). 

I told him I am going to leave him if it does not stop, hence the ?? Councillor ?? I don't care no more.  I am going to buy life insurance for him.  I am going to buy a funeral plan for him.  Oh this sounds horrid right, no!!

I have given up all my friends, or should I say, my friends have decided not to come around when he is around and because works strange hours it is hard for me to communicate with them.

God I am not perfect, I am an agrophobic.  Hmm and this is something I have done to me to hide from the world because I am so ashamed to go out with my AH.  You see 8 years ago I made a decision that instead of being shouted at in shopping centres and being humilated I would not go and shop, he does all that.  Over a few years I gave up all my worldly freedom to hide from the world so I would not have to deal with my AH in public.

We do not have friends over, and when his rare friend comes over I hide.  I am tired of listening to the same conversation 5 to 15 times in a matter of 10 minutes.  His teeth are falling out.  His skin is going yellow, his eyes are always bloodshot, he smokes like its a dummy he sucks on, and now he is passing out and falling over things and one day he is going to cut his head open, bleed to death, or break some bones, or worse he will kill himself.

Guess what I am buying him a breath testers for his birthday.  I want to show him that he is still drunk when he goes to work.  Also I want to show him how long he is over the limit for when he is at work.

I care, yes, this is why I am doing it.  I don't listen all that much to him dribble anymore because I can't understand what he is saying.  He dribbles, and seriously so.

I know I can't cure his disease.  Nothing I have done really has had a major long term outcome for the best.  I think he just wants to live in this state of life where everything is done for him and he can just drink and smoke.

We don't sleep together anymore, I can't deal with the smell of the cigarettes and booze.  His bedroom has to be aired all day long to get the stench out of it.  He can't smell it and says why do I do it.   Well I say your a A love and you stink of A.  You smoke and the bed smells like an ashtray.  Your bed linned smells like an ashtray.  You sweat booze and nicotine and I have to bleach everything to try and keep things white and clean.

He wakes at 3 in the morning and then stumbles around on weekends, has a can and goes back to sleep, wakes up at 8, has a cup of tea and by 10am its drinkie poos time.

Well he wonders why I spend my time on the computer.  He wants me to drink with him.  Sorry love you know one is more than enough for me.

My weekens are just spent counting down the days hours and minutes for him to go back to work, and hopefully they will call him in to do overtime so he will get out of my hair.  A little bit of money goes into my secret account via the bills account and one day when I can no longer take it I will just not be here when he comes home.

So long as I have some money and a place to go some where new and free, I will walk away but to do so, I need to learn a great deal about how I can walk away and stay away and begin a new life at 50.

I know I will be happy, but I will be alone and this will be hard.  But then I think to myself.  I am alone now.  So I am hoping to learn new ways of not being alone, and find out how to begin the life I have wanted for at least 25 years.  To live in the country in a little cottage and have a small garden, some chooks and fruit trees and a part time job, and go and do things and visit places I have always wanted to go.

This is a possible future for me.  Weekends, well one day I will have weekends like normal people do that do not have a AH to deal with.

I am sure god did not plan for me to spend my life like this.  I know that I am a naturally happy person. 

You know we really can't change our AH disease, only they can.  You can tell them the truth, yes I know that is painful.  He is often very hurtful to me, but then sometimes I deserve to be put in my place or reminded of my position.  However when I share some home truths about him.  Like taking a video of him and asking him to watch it, well now that was something interesting.  We don't have a video anymore.  But at least he knows he has the same good old conversation at least 5 times and he knows that I am not lying.

I think it will take a while to put my new life in place, my new life can still include him, but I will only let him in if he is not drunk.  He needs to learn a new life and new behaviours the same way I do and I am happy to share with him so long as it does not involve booze.

Don't give up spirit, we did not cause their disease, we cannot change them, and we can't cure them of their disease.  From my point of view I am going to change my life, because I allowed myself to become the effect, and so I have it within me to cure the effect and bring back the happy person that is hidden deep below and has moments when she comes out and how much fun that person is.  I do not need drugs, smokes nor booze to make me happy. life and the beauty of things things around me remind me that life is to be enjoyed.

I have realised the things I can change, the things I will never be able to change and the best part for me, is that I know finally know the difference.

For each day their is a new dawn and I try not let that new dawn end in sadness each day. 

So I am off to bed as it is very late here.  I shall say, good morning it is a new day on day 2 of my AH 8 days off.  Only 7 more to go and 7 more days before I put 40.00 into my bank account.

I am going to have a good day and I shall enjoy what I can during the day and be deaf during some of it.  The loo is a great place for peace and quite, so is baking and tending the veggies, yes I even love ironing because these are places of quiet.

Spirit my the good lord watch over you and protect you, bless you and give you the spirit and courage so that you can find ways you can enjoy weekends.  Even if you have to go for a walk,  that is one great way you might like to say to your AH, aye lovie, want to go for a walk with me.  If not his loss your gain, you keep fit and go out and chat to neighbours along the way, meet new people and build up a local network of friends.  See your not alone after all.

I hope to see you around one day.

Ni Ni, have a good weekend, its in your hands.

sincerely

possible futures :o)

hi, thank you everyone for your support. Now its a new day. I talked with him before the drinking started. Ok we are starting on a good note until....yep evening...when the rude relatives, rude i say call and assume that I will give them a ride to our place and assume that they will be staying over. Yes, they all drink. I hear the damn pop tops now...another night...as i picked up the relative, I said for the first time, i stood up for myself, "This is very rude of you to assume that I will pick you up and then last minute tell us that you cant go home because the buses dont run until tomorrow again assuming that you can stay. Yes you can but you need to call us ahead of time. I AM NOT ALWAYS in town, what whould you hve done if SPIRIT was not around to give you a ride>?????....I must stess that this happens with the kids and grnd kids also. I am glad i spoke...I got a movie for myself and will be watching it in my room. I am so angry. and tired. ...
Thank you for listening! I am so very glad I can vent...and I am praying at every chance i get...

AND LET ME ADD THAT I STRESSED (SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR SPEAKING UP!) THAT TOMORROW I NEED TO DROP THEM OFF AT THE BUS STATION BY 7AM. THAT way no one is still in our place after we leave..and i am setting the alarm (security home alarm)...YEAH!!!

-- Edited by spirit at 17:53, 2008-01-06

-- Edited by spirit at 17:54, 2008-01-06