The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He came back this afternoon after leaving at 5:30 am for his dad's. I toldhim that I cannot control him or what he does but I can control myself and the things that I do. After some tears, it boils down to that his cousin came and picked him up. He packed up a few bags of clothing and toiletries and is now gone. I thought I was ready to do this. I'm chanting in my head to be strong and work on myself and my healing now. It seems surreal that this is now my reality. From this day forward, this is my life.
Hullo Lo, I hope it comes together as you would have ur life.. I'm at the one year point with my x-a gone. His image still comes to me -- initially its no easy chore -- cleaning up one's life at their ex left it a train wreck -- my wake up call was the lying to name calling. Following name calling is statistacally speaking, this is when physical abuse begins. That is when I left it alone -- I've had had it with that kind of life.
The slogans really are tools use them as u do the mantra u already use -- repeating the first step -- chanting the 3 c-s -- gather as many mantras as you need to rebuild.
Lost - this is all so fresh for you and I know you're feeling a little stunned. Have you been to a face to face meeting? Sounds like you need to talk to some folks in the program who can offer you their ESH.
You said he came back for some clothing and toiletries, but I wonder if more of his stuff is conveniently still there? That's frequently the way it goes. They leave in dribs and drabs. Some may like that - but I prefer the "ripping the band-aid off" approach. Regardless, don't be surprised if you still have to set firm boundaries with him. It's not over till it's over.
You've been through A LOT with him. Be gentle with yourself as you process all of this. Keep in mind what you have learned from this program. The tools of al-anon are lifesavers!
Don't be scared to feel those feelings. They are just feelings, there is no need to do anything about them. What you are going thru is sad and scarey. It is hard and heartbreaking. It will take time to adjust. And as far as A's go, it seems they do alot of leaving, and comming back and leaving. So, this might be the end for you but for him, who knows. When I used to think of my ex with love I would think that I had to set him free and if we came back together, then it was meant to be. Now days, there is no love when I think of him. It is imparative you take care of you. No matter what. Focus on you and do things for yourself. Take care of you. You are going to be ok.
I was scared too when I moved out. I kept thinking in terms of US for a long time and had real difficulty thinking in terms of never being together again. What really helped me was to not limit myself in that way. To realize that it doesn't have to be black and white all or nothing. I told myself and him that over time we will see how he does and how I feel. I continued to watch his actions rather than listen to his words. Still, it took a very long time to let go of the hope that he would get better and we could be together again. It has been almost a year and a half now and for me thinking in terms of never again is a lot like thinking of the religious idea of eternity, I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. I think one day at a time really helps there. Just for today I'm not letting him come home. I'm not taking him back today. It also helps to make guidelines about when you would take him back that you don't even necessarily have to share with him. Just for yourself - ie he's been clean for 4 months, he apologizes for..., he doesn't blame others for his problems, etc.
For me that day never came, in fact he got worse and worse and I just sat back and watched with each new thing stacking on top of the last and opening my eyes to who he really is and how unacceptable the things that he has done are.
Try thinking in terms of today, try filling your time with everything else you can do, try school, that gets your mind busy. Just some suggestions! Hope this helps, that was the worst time for me!
