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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately, my ah has started giving gratitude and apologies for little things that happen, and I don't always know how to respond.
The "thank yous" are pretty easy, for "your welcome" is an automatic answer, but I get stuck on the apologies. Examples:
Last night my ah came and picked up our daughter to take her to the movies. Our 3 yr old was delighted to see him and then devastated with the news that dad was leaving and he wasn't going along. On his way out, ah set son down, who immediately fell onto the floor in a crying heap. My ah apologized twice for causing upset. I had no idea how to answer. Commonplace answers such as "it's okay" or "anytime", just didn't seem fitting.
This morning my daughter got her finger slammed and stuck in a door. She was crying, yelling and carrying on because of the pain. She was refusing ice and just wanted me to call her dad to ask him what to do. Of course, he too, suggested ice (with tv and a popcicle), but then ended the phonecall by saying he was sorry it happened. The way he says it is not just a statement, he seems to be requesting a response from me.
In both of these situations he repeated himself twice because he got no response from me the first time. My animosity in this is that I think these are such trivial things for him to be apologizing for. These are situations where he is not at fault. How about apologizing for being unfaithful, all the mean horrible things said, missing so many bedtimes, putting himself and his work first all those years, blaming me for his addictions, choosing not to work on his marriage,... I could go on and on.
Giving up the anger and resentments is a work in progress for me and I know can only be done with the help of my HP. I am working on it! However, if any of you can give me suggestions on a respectful way to accept apologies, I would appreciate it.
Blessings, Lou
-- Edited by Loupiness at 18:57, 2008-01-05
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
woo -- keepin it simple sweetie is the right way to go, I feel in my heart of hearts. Try a 'I'm doing my best to understand' perhaps?
I do appreciate the simple re's you note, and keeping it non-complex is reflected in your idea as you express you.. And kudos to you dear! oceans of love to you in this growing experience, getoverit
Lou - it sounds like you're getting stuck because you're thinking how silly of him to apologize for something he didn't cause or something so mundane, when there's a huge elephant in the room that no-one's talking about. Maybe his apologies for these small incidents are the best he can do today. Just having an A apologize for ANYTHING is huge as far as I'm concerned. (Trying to remember if I ever heard any apologies...). Maybe these are his "starter" apologies - just trying to get comfortable with those words. Or maybe not. (I've sure learned not to hold my breath).
Nonetheless - I think I would have simply said, "Well, he'll settle down in a few minutes. You two have fun at the movies"; and "Yeh, me too, but I'm sure with some ice and a popsicle, she'll be feeling better soon." These are responses that I would have given to someone who I wasn't emotionally tangled with - so if I were looking for a "detached" response to his "apologies", I probably would have gone with something along those lines.
I'm learning I've got to separate my feelings out. Compartmentalize. I've got rage over here for this, but on this issue - I'll deal with you on this level. I think it's necessary - especially where children are concerned. I find that this is applicable in all my relationships. Not just the one with my A.
I woudl love it if my AH woudl apologize for anything. I woudl not care if he was apologizing that it rained. It takes alot for them to apologize. He probably knows there are bigger thengs he needs to make an amends for. and maybe this is his way of trying to let you see he's changing.
Patience. Try not to have a resentment over waiting for him to apologize for the bigger things.
And jsut respond like a stranger has said I'm sorry. How woudl you answer them? It's ok. He'll stop crying in a little bit.
Or when he said I'm sorry. You can say..I am sorry too or We both are. It does not have to be a big deal response. You love your kids. Just being civil right now is a big step.
If he is working a program, he'll be okay with whatever response you give, if any. If you are working your program, you may be able to address this question to the source. Sometimes that is very difficult to do, knowing the history of most alcoholics is wrought with manipulating words and feelings. Perhaps, he is doing that now, or perhaps you fear that it is being done... anyway, i encourage you to find the root of the issue within you. Then address it accordingly.
If I don't know what to say or reply, I usually say nothing. A nod acknowledges I heard.
There is no wrong way....
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I am with THSKS on this- why do you have to say anything at all? His expectations are his expectations and him saying these things has nothing to do with you, they are his words out of his mouth. Let the silence be silent. J.
You rock Lou! My ex did the same sort of thing when he was first sober. Maybe it had something to do with trying to be a human being, I don't know. But I could only take it for so long. I exploded! He apologized for some little thing (the toaster oven died while he was making toast) and I verbally vomited all over him every single thing he should be sorry for.
I was doing a show and there was a girl who stood next to me in the kick line every single night for 4 weeks, 5 shows a week. Every single show this girl kicked me in the shin and every single night she apoloigized profusuly (sp? lol). I finally was so mad I said "do not say you are sorry to me ever again, just STOP KICKING ME!!!!" and ya know what she never kicked me again!
I just love that you are strong enough to come here and talk about it rather than just letting it rip on him. You have incredible strength. I mean, close to superhuman strength!!! I would probably say something stupid like " Yeah, her fingers will heal, thanks for the suggestions. Now, what would you suggest for my broken heart and resenments that center around your affair and disease? Got a little I'm sorry in ya for that boo boo?"
