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I am so glad to be writing 2008 this week. Last year was the absolutely worst of my 65 year old life. I was so down and out over the holidays with our relationship between us and ex- DIL so bad and the grandbaby the center of our concerns.
The past three days we had the child and his daddy (our "binge-prone" son) with us. Daddy took off work to help us care for child as my spouse and I are getting to the point where we are almost past those full-time multiple day/night caregiving events. Ex DIL had to go out of state for a family funeral. We were, of course, sorry and helped in every way we could as we always do. When I get upset and angry at her behaviors to us, it is because of things like this. Not that we expect special anything....just a deep breath on her part to remember how we never let her down and are always there for her and the baby...ALWAYS even if we sometimes feel we just can't do it. Anyway, the days/nights passed quickly and we are back to just two of us here again. I have had some questions in my mind and wonder if any of you have suggestions:
How can an explanation be made to a child not yet 3 about what "divorce" is? How can an explanation be made about where Daddy goes when he leaves for his apartment....a place child has visited only twice with us. (He fully understands the concept of "mama's house" and "papa and gram's house".)
For now these were the two that sort of presented situations this week. But sooner than later I expect questions related to why Daddy doesn't live with them like the little ones next door. I also expect that we will eventually have to listen to his talk of the guy(s) that come to visit (Not insinuating that there is anything out of the ordinary about this....just that it is happening already and we don't have any experience here). I am sure as time goes on there will be other questions. We CANNOT discuss this with the mother; I have tried on three occasions to try and talk about what we should do in child's best interests. I was absolutely raked over the coals for presuming it was any of my business to even feel the need to discuss what is in his best interests....not my business, she said. Well, I guess. Except that if I am to continue to care for him so often for hours or days at a time, it must be somewhat my business of how to handle questions/situations as they arise when he is with me. Any suggestions. Wow...does the -ISM create so many difficult things to face!!!
I'm so sorry for your pain in this. It doesn't sound to me as though your dil would know what's in the child's best interest.
At his young age, I doubt if he'll ask questions for a while. If he does, the shortest version would probably be best - no details.
One of the best things I've learned in Al-Anon is to not project. Easier said than done for me, but when I can stick to one day at a time, my head is not as full of all kinds of thoughts and imaginations.
I've been stuck in the middle where I've felt I had to be the perfect grandmom according to my daughter's definition or I wouldn't see the kids - that's a hard spot to be in.
Chidren adapt to "what is" and at his young age he doesn't have the forthought to sit and ponder his parent's situation and the why'sf or complexity of it. I have a 3 yr. old Grandson and I'm sure if he had men at his house he wouldn't have a clue, he'd just think they were visitors. I have to agree with Carolena about projecting of future events. Just try to take "one day at a time" without creating things that don't as yet exist. If any questions should arise my suggestion is to just simply let him know he is loved by everyone and leave the explaining to his parents. Saying "I don't know, you ask Mommy or Daddy that question" keeps you out the middle of a situation that your DIL has already strongly voiced her opinion about. Detaching from their situation would allow you to enjoy your Grandchild as a Grandma should, I think :) You are just as powerless over what is going on in their personal lives as you are the alcohol abuse. No one said this program was easy but if we can accept and use the tools it offers life is much smoother.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
my daughter is 3 and a child of divorce. i've told her very simply that mama has a house, daddy has a house, gramma has a house. with mama is her "home" which means it's where she stays the most, and the most of her things are. she understands all that and hasn't asked the harder questions, like why don't daddy and mama live in the same house, yet. whew.
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
Thanks for the wise responses; of course it isn't good to project. Just easier said than done for me.....an old retired educator who saw so many many of her students over the years suffering the consequences of broken families. They didn't ask for it but had to live it. I just so didn't want that for my own grandchildren. Of course, out of my control. So I will try to do my best to avoid the entire issue with him and refer him whenm necessary to those two adults who created him and managed to screw up so badly seven months into his young life. I am sure they will have true adult mature answers and solutions to all his little questions since they do so well with one another. Yep...makes me angry daily.
"Broken" families consisting of loving individuals can be MUCH better, more peaceful, more consistent and healthy than ones that are together filled with hate, inconsistency and fighting. Single parenting gets a really bad rap- I have worked with kids too and have seen kids GET BETTER when their parents separate/divorce, believe me!!!! J.
Omajoy quote: I am sure they will have true adult mature answers and solutions to all his little questions since they do so well with one another.
I detect a huge cup of sarcasm there. :) I would think the discontent between the adults is a completely different relationship then between mother and child and father and child. No matter how much I loathed my X, I always did my best for my children. Hopefully that will be the case here too. Omajoy, I feel for you, really. My observation is that I see you being angry and consumed about things that you can do nothing about, daily. These are especially hard to let go of but the reality is it just causes us to feel chaos, anger and fear within, what Alanon calls the insanity of the disease. No one wants to be angry everyday, no one has to be. You can choose to let these things go and trust your HP to take over but it can't be done unless you loosen your grip. There's a much larger picture then any of us can understand. The one thing I do know is that I can only change me, my perception of the world and how I choose to see it. No matter how much I focused on other matters, they didn't change until I changed me. When I got busy, I got better.
Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 16:16, 2008-01-05
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
My kids are 7 and 2 and we are in the middle of a long term separation(not divorce we hope). I have been honest with them. They know Dad lives down the road for now, and the house is much more peaceful as we are working things out. Not the same as yours, I know, but honesty on their level is how we have handled it. Also I have been very careful to stress to my 7 year old that daddy is sick. I tell him it is a brain problem and he is the only one that can help himself. We cannot do it for him. I explained that Dad loves us more than anything, would fall off the earth to help us if he could, but that he does not love himself that way.
I have also explained to him that we are all sick from this disease even though we don't all drink or use drugs. Kids understand a lot if you put it in a context that they can relate to. The one thing that I think is most important is to stress over and over to a child that their families behavior (including your own, when it is bad, LOL)HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM. THEY DID NOTHING WRONG. THEY didn't cause it,THEY can't control it, THEY can't cure it. Otherwise children tend to internalize everything around them. (Dad's mad, I must be bad. Mom is mad, I must have done something to upset her. Grandma is upset, I must be in the way.)
Anyway, hope this helps some.
In recovery,
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
My family is one of the broken type. My AH's ex doesn't understand what the word "nice" means unless it is to her advantage in some way. And because of this, my stepdaughter, who is 7, has come home with questions similar to your grandchilds. (I have been with her father for 5 years--when she was 1.5 years old, her parents divorced.)
My advice would be just this....keep it simple. Children 'see' anger, pain, adults venting in various ways--and I can imagine divorced children get to see this more than the adults of the divorce would like to admit. Simple answers for little ones that age would suffice. Big, hairy and sticky definitions of divorce just really aren't comprehended.
My stepdaughter is constantly reminded who she lives with--her mother; and that she gets to visit her father. When you pass resentment that you have to another, it is sometimes magnified--especially in the eyes of a child that quite simply can't understand how you could be so angry with their other parent. Because of this, my stepdaugher has learned at a very early age how to be resentful. (Imagine that from a child of only 3 years old.)
It is easy to have 'clouded' judgement--vented anger--sarcastic remarks. But children of divorce see much more that we as adults truly give credit to. Keeping a simple answer to your grandchild's question might be the best way to go.
--Just For Now
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
