The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
"blargle" is my word for "i can't believe i just heard that, that is so unbelievable that my brain cells are melting."
i called one of my A's friends, a mutual friend who runs a prayer circle. i debated a long time before calling, but i knew i couldn't stay alone with this. so i did it for me, because i'm alone now and need support. i also asked for prayers/light for my A. i left it up to that friend if he felt like telling anyone, asking for more prayers, etc.
just a bit ago my A calls me on the phone from the mental ward to tell me that i'm not to talk to any more of his friends *even if they call me.* he assumed i'd called all his friends. i said i called one, the most important one, to ask for prayers. he said that was ok, but that he'd gotten some calls, and i was not to talk to anyone even if they call me. i said, what about if X calls me? he said i should hang up.
ohhhhh BLARGLE!! i said, "don't try to control my life, all you can control is your own" and then he hung up on me.
one of his other friends called here just to talk, apparently my A had sworn him out when he called and they are best friends, he sounded kinda lost.
anyway. just a very, very BLARGLE moment!! i'm glad i stuck to my point. but then if i do things right, why does it never feel right?
it's like i'm meeting an entire new person!! someone who never came out of him in the 2 years we've been together. who is this person???
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
Sadako,this is the disease addiction, disease this is Sadako.
Sa I got to where I thought of it this way, the disease had taken over my much loved A. That he was lost somewhere inside that body.
I love my A,but hate the disease and its behaviors.
It is hard isn't it? I am sad you are feeling so mixed up, and then he calls and it is the disease talking.
Being an addict,their behaviors are there using, or not.
That is what being on a program is all about. When an A really wants to be in recovery, with AA they learn what they need to become a healthier person.
They may even need to learn how to come home after work and ask their wife,"how was your day?" Many A's do not ask questions, they are so selfish, so self involved it does not occur to them to wonder about anyone else.
Just things a non a takes for granted, the addict has to learn to think that way.
I cannot tell you how many times I would ask my A and other A friends something and all they could say was,"I don't know." I thought I was being too snoopy, in truth,they really did not know.
Has your A asked how you are in all this mess? Has he asked you how you are sleeping?
You are already using skills, I am so proud of you. You are definitely a work in progress. I love seeing this.
Doing things differently doesn't always feel good at first. I know for me, I am taking care of myself when I feel slightly guilty about what I am doing. Just keep doing the next right thing for you. It does get easier. I think your response to him was perfect. Now, you have to take care of you, not him. He is capable of living his own life so let him. It is such a great feeling to let go and let God handle it. We still have to do the foot work but when we let go, we are guided. I still have to let go a hundred times a day. I let go, feel better and within minutes I have to do it again. I don't have the answers, I can't see the future. You're doing great with a very difficult situation. You really are, I know it is hard, but you are getting thru it.
Wow I'm so proud! YOu told him not to tell you what to do? YAY for you!
I remember when I left my A and for a good long while after I felt guilty if I said or did anything that might upset him. I also had a lot of assumptions about how he would react and they didn't always turn out that way. Usually on the big things I was right like when I went to court for a child support order.
I guess the thing with them is that they are used to the rut of them doing this and us doing that and then when we quit doing that and do something else it takes them out of their comfort zone and they get angry. That however is their problem not yours. I spent a lot of time thinking about how he never worried about upsetting me or making me angry. The only thing he ever had was fear of the consequence for disappearing for days and spending thousands of dollars or how me being angry would affect HIM not because he cared so much about my feelings.
It took me a long time to get to the point of putting me and the kids first but I promise you as long as you keep choosing what's right for you it gets easier and easier. You will see more and more of that "new person" and it will become apparent after time that there's nothing new here you're just seeing more clearly. At least that's how I feel about it, I see who he really was all along now.
*blushes* thank you for your kind words :) i've always been able to set boundaries like that, i mean, "don't tell me what to do" or "i feel xyz because you abc'd so i need a time out." BUT it has never, ever, ever worked! by "worked" i mean, i expect him to stop yelling at me, or swearing, or just yelling negative things all over the house. no matter what i say, he keeps doing it. it seems to come in waves. that's when i have my blargle moments!! i literally stutter out the words, "g-g-g-g-g-get control of your own l-l-l-l-l-l-life and don't worry about m-m-m-m-m-mine!!" i'm so flaggergasted at his behavior. i turn to coloring things like mandalas, or working with clay, and ignoring the behavior. but sometimes, sometimes, when he knows i'm physically not able to get up and walk away, he'll come in on the warpath. why would he kick me when i'm down??
and then he's so effing lovable and deep and spiritual and wonderful and we get along fantastically. we're twin souls literally, born on the same day, within hours of each other. he'll be playing the Native flute, making a song for his girl, an air poem. an hour later, i'm a b*tch, i'm ruining his life, i'm a failure.
BLARGLE
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
"blargle" is my word for "i can't believe i just heard that, that is so unbelievable that my brain cells are melting."
