The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi Family, I was posting here a year ago, but I became suspicious that my H was somehow reading them. So, I focused on my f2f meetings instead. I am grateful to be back and feeling like I can voice myself a little better now.
I feel the need to process tonight.... Last Fall, my AH surprised me by getting a loan prepared that I knew nothing about . When he brought it to me, he needed me to sign quickly so that he could drop them off on his way to the airport. When I asked questions (because I didn't know anything about this or believe that we needed a loan) he became irritated and condescending. Before Al-Anon, I would have signed! Most definately. But, I did NOT, even though he began threatening me with divorce! (Which raised even more red flags)
So, he went on his trip for 12 days, without a phone call. He returned and told me "we need to end this." He said he could no longer live with such a controlling person. Anyway, he moved out after I didn't sign the loan. (Said that wasn't the "real reason" though.) Told me he would call me some time. Being the codependent that I am, I waited and waited for that call. And, when he did, I kept hoping and praying that he would eventually come back.
After being separated for about a month, he said we needed to figure out how to get "this thing" (our marriage) back on track. He decided that we should split our assets 50/50 so that money would no longer be an issue between us. I said,
"OR.... you could honor me as your equal partner and not do those kinds of things anymore." (A year earlier, I found that he had opened a private checking acct. w/o my name on it. His reason was because I always made a "mess" of the current checkbook....also, he said he couldn't remember my social security number in order to include me. The lies!) Well, he saw it no other way, he wanted to split our assets but stay married.
So, I filed for divorce in late October.
It was the most frightening thing I've ever had to do. I have been a stay-at-home codependent for 26 years.... Oh the regrets!!
Yesterday, we had our first court appearance. My sponsor and I prayed together before I went to the courthouse. HP did for me what I could not do for myself. I felt strong and sure. I felt proud of myself answering the judge's questions with confidence. But I nearly fell over when my globe-trotting businessman husband was fighting back tears!!!!! Geeeeez!
Today he contacted me, acting all nice....and asking me to agree to pulling out MORE money from our investments to help pay for the bills....AND.... buy our daughter a car. Once again, he's saying we need to do it quickly or we'll fall behind on our bills. (I've been watching his spending. He's trying to pay off all his credit cards!) There's actually a restraining order protecting our assets, so he needs me to agree to this. Because he was all nice today....I felt a little confused....almost agreed to it....
How I hate that he cannot see himself! Dang.... I guess I just caught myself....my lesson is to obviously work that I can continue to see MYSELF!
Wow, my rambling has helped me to gain some clarity afterall.... lol
Thanks for "listening"!!!!!!!!
I wish you a peaceful winter night.... Love in recovery, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I loved the strength in your post. I especially appreciated the line--Or you could honor me by recognizing me as an equal partner--what a way to affirm your role as wife and as a woman. It makes me think a lot about how could I integrate more kinds of affirming statements like these--instead of getting sucked into the craziness or whatever the other person's agenda is--into my own life. Thanks for the share! Please do come back and share more!
When I first came to Al-Anon, it was because I believed I had nowhere else to turn....I had nothing else. Now, I can see that HP had me right where he wanted me!!
I am so grateful to God..... for the program..... and for this fellowship!
love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
T, too, appreciated your post. I have the same problem with my AH. He does all kinds of things without my input, but the financial tricks he plays are the most serious. I do take care of myself financially as far as putting money back in my own account, but I need to do more.
