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At the encouragement and love I got from my last check in post, here goes another... I was watching Super Nanny last night; usually I don't, but it was a change in pace. the family reminded me of my own family, where the adults feel as if they are so completely independent of the children that the children are left to be the adults. Thus, the teenagers, 14 & 17, were left to raise the toddlers. So, the whole of the home suffered without reliable authority. The high schooler's grades were in the toilet. The house wasn't consistently clean. The toddlers didn't eat regularly, didn't have a bed time, etc etc. The laundry wasn't done regularly. And, when all this was going on, the dad took it out on the teen agers for it. The mom made herself scarce by being involved in her start up business. When the host, Jo, confronted the parents with their behavior, calling it "selfish, immature, and unkind," resistance of course formed on all sides. the father tried the "it's not my fault I'm not availible, I'm the provider defense;" the mom tried the "I'm so sorry this is what's happened, I never meant for this to happen" defense. As I watched, and listened, Jo kept insisting every time the parents tried to defer that "this wasn't their fault/responsibilty" and "that wasn't their fault/responsibility" it became clearer and clearer that, for the parents, the girls were an after thought. The level of selfishness, self centeredness, self absorbtion, it was just so high on the part of the parents it couldn't be explained or described. At one point the girls were videotaped discussing how they realized that when it was all over their parents fully expected them to retake their roles as "mini parents." This was hard to watch, as I decompressed with my councelor. It put out, for me at least, how, growing up in the dysfunction that I was never a primary concern. The alchol and drugs were the primary and reigning concern. Everything, and me, was "an afterthought." My needs; my feelings; my wants; my problems; my issues; my day-to-day crises; all these things weren't significant because I was "the afterthought." and that meant that anything my parents did to me was a reaction to me. It wasn't to say that my parents would have been fine had I never been born; there would have been, more than likely, some other force in their life taht would have caused and caught their anger. But, unfortuneately, as their child, I was the primary recipient. Nothing, I suppose, has changed, I told the councelor; but everything has. Right now I'm dealing with the physical side of acceptance: I'm exhausted, more emotionally sensitive (a snyde remark from some lady at aerobics really sent me into shock), and just...tight. Tight is a good word. It also takes alot of the pressure off of everyone else and puts it onto me. I've come to realize that I have no right to blame my parents for my life if I want them in my life; my life needs to be of my own creation and volition if I want it to truly be my own, and using toxic individuals as a crutch for things they cannot provide is a way of allowing myself to be dysfunctional. it's hard to look at the facts and realize that...well, nothing has changed and everything has changed. It's hard to realize that if I don't change my life, no one else will. Really, no one else can. there's alot of truth to the corny statement "if it's to be, it's up to me." Take care, god bless, happy weekend.
I can only give you my ESH. Getting to acceptance about my really dysfunctional abusive family was so hard fo rme. I had to stop making comparisons to people who "got" something. My family were so far out there. At the same time to be socialy acceptable I had to find some small measures of comments of things that were somewhat normal for my family. That was also hard to do because for decades I only saw the pain. Distance, grief, raging helped but int he end coming to acceptance there was "nothing" was key. I nolonger even imagine my family of oriign would help. I'd also have to say that somehow and it seems hard to say when my parents finally died that helped too. Its strange how that doubles with the issues with the A when I give up hope it helps. Hope seems to keep me keyed into that there is somehting there to salvage.
both my parents are dead and have been gone for a while (a few years). I think the source of grief for me was that I had no parent as a child, as a teenager and as an adult. I had monsters who took advantage of me, used me up and blamed me for everything.
That grief is still with me somedays. I also think its hard to realise one is totally alone int he world. I know much of my attraction and predilection for the A's are as a result of my abandonment issues.
Tight. I get that, Tiger. I feel that way too sometimes. I also grew up with a completely dysfunctional family. My sister, 8 years older than I turned out the best or at least she seems to have some goodness in her life, a loving husband and 3 kids (now grown) who seem to be pretty well adjusted and living their lives OK/somewhat normally. I am the opposite- no kids, my husband is questionable at best (we are most likely going to get divorced this spring, I bet), no home, no job, attending school but soon that will be over...ugh its ugly, man. I am not clear what the hell the point is some days. Some days are OK. Rarely, a day will be really good. I cannot get close to anyone. I cannot let anyone in. I struggle to take proper care of myself. I know its because I was raised the way I was and its so hard to trust, it seems impossible to me. I have been working on myself for 30 years in a wide variety of ways, therapy, tried meds (did not help) and sometimes some progress sets in and then it all backslides...I am constantly self sabotaging myself and its so hard for me to see it until its too late. I would really like to crawl into a hole and die many many days because I really cannot seem to get the point of any of this. I have a therapist, I go to 3-4 face to face meetings per week, I am going to try going to ACA meetings, too, I think. Its just too much so I hand it off to HP and figure, he put me here, now what the heck am I supposed to do? J.
