The material presented
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I am all 4 at the moment. I am not sure how to start, maybe feed myself. I took the kids to school today as it is so cold here. On my way to drop the 13 yr old I saw a woman running and I thought "wow, that's not very healthy. It's -10 out." But I didn't say anything. I saw her again after dropping the 13yr old and sure enough it was ex's GF. Which gave me a start. Made my stomach drop, thoughts start swirling. I talked myself down quite quick but it's like a hangover. It got me thinking about the how's and why's. Ex didn't show for his last schedualed supervised visit with the kids. How can anything or anyone be more important that your own kids, the day before Christmas? How can a father be there for his kids and then just decide it's all too hard. That he hates me more than he loves them. I know he is sick, he has many issues. But from the outside it doesn't look like he does. He is living the high life in a very rich society while his kids live 2 blocks away and are living on gas station food. And this chick, running, wearing MY mother's diamond that HE stole from MY house. And she knows. So, why do they continue to live 2 blocks away? Mental illness, stupidity, cruelity? It doesn't hurt me much anymore, it hurts almost beyond belief when I think about it from the life my kids are living and how much unconditional love they gave and would still give him. I hate him. Not the disease because it is far more than the disease doing this. It is him. He makes me physically ill. He has destroyed so many lives. He has, not the disease. We all know the disease, it didn't dump his kids, he did. Because he is supposedly sober and so is his nutcase of a GF. SO, no, the disease is arrested for the moment until I hear differently.
I know kids are resilient but they shouldn't have to be this resilient. They shouldn't have to lose their home, their father, their grandfather, their best friend and her family all within 2 years. NOBODY is that resilient. And he had every chance to be there for his kids when tradgedy struck and he flat out REFUSED. WHo does that? I don't think I even could have had an expectation for that one. Maybe I did. Maybe I expected that when his children witnessed the tramatic death of their best friend, he would come and give them support and love no matter what. He didn't. Come on, is that truly an unreasonable expectation? Even when I asked him, begged him to come and be here for his kids? And he was "sober" with a PROGRAM???
He is the same as he ever was. Letting a new woman make all of his decisions for him. A mentally ill woman who doesn't have children so wouldn't get it maybe? I refused to make his decisions for him and that's all he has wanted for years. If I wasn't going to do it, well, he'd find someone who would. He used his sponcer for awhile "My sponser said that I have to....that I should...." Then it switched to "My GF said that she thinks.... my GF said that we should...." And I said " Why don't you make a decision about yourself and your children. YOU make a decision...it's YOUR life." But No, he is not a man. He is an alien who morphs into whoever he comes into contact with. I swear he does.
Ok, I know all of this will feel better when I have gotten to the other side of a bagel. When I get to work and see my friends, when I get to bed tonight. But the Anger, I don't know, I just don't want to turn it into myself again and get depressed. I have things to do, children to take care of and I can't afford to get sad.
I have my worst thinking when I am guilty of HALT, and it only usually takes one or two of those to get my mind working overtime.
Sober isn't just not drinking. Sober is a state of mind. For the alcoholics who aren't drinking but still exhibiting the same self-centered behaviors, I consider them 'dry'.
My youngest daughter's father is 'sober' over 30 years now. He's one swell fellow when it comes to helping other A's, but when it comes to being an involved parent, forget it.
I came not to expect a thing from him other than the court-ordered support, which often had to be garnished out of his income tax return at the end of the year.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
I read that and all I could think was some people are just AHOLES! Doesn't matter if they're drunks or not they are just freakin AHOLES. Also, I know EXACTLY what you mean about always having to have someone else make the decisions for them. I guess that way nothing is ever really their fault since it was all someone else's idea right? I think you were with the ahole so long you were brainwashed into thinking that it was normal and until you were away from it for long enough you couldn't really see it. But now, there it is blaring in your face like the sun in mid august and you've lost your rose colored sunglasses. That's how I feel about my A now, I'm guessing that's what you are too only you have to have him and lil miss ick paraded around in your face. Did you really see the ring? I would have called the cops right then and gotten my ring back and maybe gotten the joy of seing her go to jail for it.
seren, that is all the disease- that total gutless spinelessness. Its so maddening, I know. He is on his own path and you are on yours (thank GOD for that!). Focus on those kids and you and the love that is there amongst you and try to put those other people in a museum exhibit behind glass- they are not worth a single slice of your energy or time and they are certainly not worth losing your serenity over. But you know this already. Hugs, J.
I have felt much the same about the a I was with. I raged at him for a long time. That helped. I really let him know how angry and disappointed I was. I also confronted him eventually abut the craziness. Nothing changed for him. For me what changed is that I stoped expecting anything from him. It took me till practiclaly bankruptcy to get there. I understand totally where you are coming from. I also know I can't be in HALT day and night I get too raw.
HALT assumes that we have control over these things: Hungry- go eat, Angry? -get over it (I am not really quite there yet, still trying to figure this one out), Lonely? Go find some people (I guess, still working on this one too) and Tired? Go rest or get some sleep.
Seren - those scenarios have a way of just eating and eating and eating at us - when we let them (and I KNOW how hard it is not to "let" them). Nonetheless, he's a (pick one) jerk, alcoholic, sociopath, loser, idiot (the list can go on and on). You know you can't correct that - and let's face it, anyone who would turn their back on their children has some serious issues going on that are much greater than what we're prepared to deal with. So it is. The HALT approach is VERY helpful, but it does take some doing to "get over" being angry (wow does it!); and I'm still searching for the "cure" for lonliness. So we all trudge on doing the very best we can. Your posts have lit the way for me over and over - this one is no different - your emotions/reactions are human, yet I see you working through it to get to where you know you need to be to take care of yourself. Thanks for sharing.
What sometimes helps me with the anger...when I step back and look at how crazy his behavior is making me... and my blood is boiling.... and I simply don't know what to do with myself... (Reminds me of the slogan, IF I'M MAD, I'M HAD) ...sometimes it helps me to recognize the statements I am saying to myself. For instance, "The A and his g/f make me so angry because they are cruel....they are insane....they are not respectful....they are thieves....etc."
Then I recognize how these statements are making me feel. For instance, "Angry!!!!... or, my stomach hurts... I feel insane...I can't eat....etc.) It's important to see how the statement is affecting us.
Then I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like....to NOT have these thoughts as I am standing right in front of the A and his g/f....what does it look like to let go of these beliefs....? And, can I think of one stress-free reason to keep the thoughts?
Then I turn it around. Turn the statement around, for instance, I am believing that they should not be cruel....turn it around, and I can see, OF COURSE THEY SHOULD and I reason that people who are sick (and stupid) should indeed be acting this way. They are acting exactly as sick and stupid people with no integrity or values....should be acting!!!
This works helps me to accept the reality of what is happening. When I believe it shouldn't be happening as it is..... I suffer. My serenity goes out the window. When I run counter to reality, I lose every time. So I try to make peace with reality. For my sake. Doesn't always happen right away, but this process helps to lessen the sting. I hope it helps you too.
And I wanted to share about loneiness.... I am going through a divorce. Two years ago, before I came to Al-Anon, I believed I would never survive a divorce. I was too dependent on my husband. So I obsessed about being dead....I saw no other way out of my misery. I am so grateful that once I found Al-Anon, it was a spiritual program that revived my faith in my HP. I have always held the belief that I am both a spiritual being as well as a human being. So, when I feel lonely, I focus on my breath. To me, that energy, my breath, is my HP.....with me. That's how close HP is. My HP WANTS me to believe He is THAT CLOSE and not way out...up high in some lofty heaven. Then I can feel grateful and peaceful again. Then, I don't feel so lonely. HP is the ultimate companion.
Wishing you a peaceful day ((((serenity)))) Love, gladlee
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The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
I searching for the 'meaning' of "HALT." Reading the remaining posts on here...I find HALT defined as: Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. Interesting. Where I work the meaning is completely different. Hand washing Awareness Leads to Termination of bugs. Hmmm...something to ponder.
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
