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Really, I mean, one that I could go to Hell for? If I believed in that? Or even if I didn't? He was driving all crazy, drifting this way, that way, closing his eyes at the intersections. I offered to drive, he refused. He started to tell me to SHUT UP!! and I told him to just let me out here, thank you very much, I'll catch up you later. Hopefully much, much later. I'm thinking, this is it, this is the night he drives the car off the road into a telephone pole. Of course at the snail pace he's moving the car it probably wont cause very much damage. But if he hits an oncoming car...no, I don't want anyone else to get hurt. But if he does hurt someone, is it my fault? Heck I wanted it to happen. Maybe he could go to jail for life on manslaughter charges. But just the fact that I'm writing about it tells me it's not going to happen. He's going to come home late, drunk, and inconsiderate of anybody else. I'm going to go to bed dissappointed, angry, and alone.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I suppose it would be a sin if you were a saint. But you're not, your human and dealing with an insane disease. If it is a sin to wish him dead, you will have plenty of great company in hell. I'll save you a seat .... If wishes were fishes.....Take care Rainy, I hope you find some peace tonight.
RJ, all of us could answer and give you a hundred different responses.
My thought is this, does good or evil put that though in your head?Do you want to be controlled by that?
After all this time, what have you changed in you hon? Meaning what makes you get into a car with him?
Remember if we choose to live with an A, then we learn the skills to change ourselves so we can do that in as healthy a way that we can.
You sound frustrated, so what are you trying to control? Fight against? step one?
I think in my head, "take a breath, throw up your hands, throw away that tension or that push and pull that does no good anyway. Just makes ME sick."
Do we want them to die, or do we really want the horrible pain of it all to stop?
RJ I said many times I wish he could just die. My reason was becuz he and I are so close that I know what is in his heart, and I know he is so horribly miserable.
I know why and what makes him do the drug.
I did ask for forgiveness for thinking like that. My goal is to be as much like what I have read of Jesus.
And also, not putting them in the same standing, Maya Angelo, Ghandi,Leo Bucalgia, Kermit, Popeye, and Martin Luther King.
I think how would this person or persona deal with this?How can I do this better?
I know you would never wish anyone dead.I believe you are wishing that horrible evil demonlike addiction were dead. I sure relate.
Also feeling as you do,I invite you to ask yourself if you know what makes you stay?
NOT telling you to leave at all, more what can you do to change you so you are not so hurt.
Glad you are here, very glad and thank you for your very open share. love,debilyn
I am not a mental health professional, I wish someone on this board were...there is alot floating around right now on this board about this topic. MY ESH is that if its just a joke "wanting him dead" like we all have off handedly said at one time or another, its different than if you really think about wanting someone dead and begin to fantasize about it, etc. Everyone has a different "fine line" in this respect. I know for myself, I felt I had crossed a line when I really felt like if the opportunity presented itself, I would go for it. Like if something came up- you know a speeding car whizzing through an intersection trying to make it through a yellow light, knives in the knife drawer looking more interesting to me, etc. I had no specific plan but felt like I was inching closer to something that was really bad and what had happened is that I had completely ignored every single boundary I had and he was repeatedly crossing them and I was not doing a thing about it.
I had reached a point where I felt so detached from myself (out of total pain) that I was capable of anything, like I was completely disengaged and disembodied and numb- all cried out, all yelled out, just stone cold walking dead. Now, I am a fairly cool cucumber anyway so this was really really bad! Also, it takes a lot to anger me, I am very laid back, generally so this was years of build up and stuffing it. I was reaching a point where I would do anything (like go for the knife drawer) to make it stop (if it started: him yelling at me for hours and not allowing me to leave the room) and did not have any of the skills needed to set my own boundaries. I was a total doormat. I could not make eye contact with him or with anyone else for that matter. I literally shook when he came near me. I cringed constantly, did as much as possible to avoid him. I was completely insane and it was pretty much my own doing bit by bit- well, I was not taught how to have a boundary!! But as an adult its my job to learn and to take care of myself. I did not know what boundaries meant or were for. Now I know. I was able to get help and I am doing MUCH better now. I needed to work on me 100% day in and day out, therapy, al-anon, survivor classes, etc. the works. All 4000 miles away from him, completely separated.
I put up with it because I did not want him to leave me. I wanted to please him. I wanted to make him happy. It was hideous. For both of us. I was as actively involved in the abuse as he was. I was playing my role as he played his. It was a nightmare. I set it up as much as he did and it was beginning to head off in this deadly direction when I picked up and left. I am so lucky I got help and found this program. We each have our own boundary when it comes to "taking it". I recommend that anyone remove themselves from the situation before they get violent, if they can. I did and I am so glad I did.
But if you are just joking about it, that is totally different. Even fantasizing about their funerals is common, I have heard in the program. and who can blame us?! I mean these people are suffering from a horrible disease and I mean suffering! You shoot a suffering dog to put it out of its misery, so the thought is kind of merciful, in a way. I do not think there is anything evil about a disease or its ramifications. But then again, I do not believe in evil, just my opinion. J.
It's been about a year since I found alanon, and I think the only thing that's really changed for me is knowing that I can't control him. I changed my way of thinking so that I became more empowered, and we are drifting apart, becoming totally different people.
I was so dissappointed in myself for being in that situation. That is an unacceptable circumstance which used to be a dialy occurance. How I dealt with it then I don't know, I just gritted my teeth and hoped we didn't crash. I can't take it anymore. It's not fair. things were never meant to be that way.
I have not come as far in my recovery as I would like to think. I stay because it's just too damn hard to leave or kick him out. Because I don't completely hate him, i want it to work. Because I can't change him, I can only change myself and I thought if I changed myself then it would work BUT IT'S NOT WORKING!!
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
I think we have all wished our A dead at one point or other. We have all come to that place. I remember one night driving home with him so drunk just as you were, and begging him to let me out.
Now I just pray he won't get behind the wheel and kill someone like what just happened 2 days ago in Ohio. A family of 5 was killed because some A was driving the wrong way on I-280.
Don't be so hard on yourself because you think that your program isn't working. The fact that you have changed yourself is proof that the program is working. Remember the 3 C's didn't cause it you can't change it and you can't control it.
I also stay with my AH even though I doubt that he can ever change, some may think I am foolish, but I still care for him.
Remember we get through this madness of living with an A One Day At a Time. I will pray for you.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
Like Debilyn, I can remember (and still think occasionally) that wouldn't it just be MERCIFUL if he died? Like putting a rabid dog down. Like a rabid dog, he was suffering and very likely to hurt everyone in his path. He looked at me one time and said, "You wish I were dead, don't you?" I told him that I wished he were well. It is SO VERY PAINFUL to watch someone that you love dearly dying a slow painful death. I would never wish that on anyone - muchless someone who is part of me. But I can remember the anger and absolute rage at the disease. It got particularly bad one evening and he said to me, "Here's my wallet and my keys. Why don't you drive me to the top of the bridge and push me off into the water? No one would ever miss me. " I was so angry at the time that all I could say was, "That sounds like a lot of trouble for me. And I'll be damned if I'm going to prison for something like that. You're not worth it!" I didn't know who posessed my body at the time I said that, but it sure wasn't me. I now realize that it was the disease. Do I wish he were dead? Well......I wish he were out of pain, however that needs to happen. Preferably I wish he were alive, sober, and unbelievably happy. I know I DON'T wish misery on him.
I think we have all had our times of wishing them dead. I think there's a difference between wishing it would just happen and planning out how you're going to kill him yourself! I don't think you will go to hell for that anymore than coveting your neighbor's husband or wife or whatever. It's a sin, it happens you get forgiven and you move on. I think the key here is to look at what this means about how you feel about him. When I started thinking about murder I knew it was time to move on. There have been many times I thought all of our lives would be easier if he were dead. Is this wish for death to release him or you? You don't need death to let go if it's the latter.
Well, to be fair there's an old timer in recovery, 30+ ys that when things went south planned his funeral. Down to how she'd thank every1 for standing by her. I planned my father's murder, down to how the DA would see it my way and thank me for protecting the community from him. This was before al anon, mind you. But, maybe, if you don't have a sponsor yet, it's time to get one.
Well, to be fair there's an old timer in recovery, 30+ ys that when things went south planned his funeral. Down to how she'd thank every1 for standing by her. I planned my father's murder, down to how the DA would see it my way and thank me for protecting the community from him. This was before al anon, mind you. But, maybe, if you don't have a sponsor yet, it's time to get one.
This sounds like me with the A for a long long time. He got worse, much much much worse. He ended up totalling cars. He ran into other people and ran and then hid it. He had all kinds of excuses. I begged him on my hands and knees and was hysterical about it. He still did it.
I felt all kinds of emotions. I don't think there is anything wrong with emotions, its the actions we take when we are driven crazy by them that is so key. I can still be very very very angry at the A. These days I choose actively not to talk to him. I can't tell you how long that took me to get there - 3 years of being here day in day out and putting it out there. The disappontment, grief and more are profound. These days I am in a different place. I put him in God's hands. There was some reason he did not die. I don't know why. There is some reason he has not killed himself or someone else. I felt profoundly, absolutely responsible for him for years. I do not anymore. I can't say I don't care but I work super hard on detaching, really work on it actively day in day out.
I know when I am in extreme emotion zone generally its a cue for me to detach. Do I always do it. Not always but I am so much better now.
I am so glad you can come here and tell your truth. You will not always be on the ceiling with pain.
Last night I heard the car pull in the drive. about a half hour later i looked to see if he was there. He was in the process of getting out of the car and had fallen asleep! The door was open, the light was was on, his one leg was out, but he was passed out. AND it was pouring down rain. I mean, this is ridiculous. I refused to wake him up. But I got so preoccupied with checking to see if he was still there sleeping that I burned each part of dinner. So what does that say about me? Also, when I woke up early in the morning, he was crashed out with his forehead on the computer desk drooling into the keyboard. He was just in a bathrobe and his skin was so cold. He just makes lame excuses for this all the time.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Be kind to yourself. I don't think the fact he is an A reflects on you at all. I used to believe if I moved heaven and hell things would improve. They didn't. I remember the obsession well. I also remember how very very very difficult it is to let go. I think detaching with them right there in front of you is hard times.
I can work well at detaching some days. Other days I am hoplessly enmeshed. I don't have the A around anymore and I have to work on letting that be the case. Nevertheless I will be suffering the issues he left me for years to come. I have days where I really resent it and days where I accept it. I used to be a perfectionist and beat myself to a smithereens now I can take it a little easier on myself. Maresie.
My understanding of the translation of the word "sin" from the Aramaic is that it means "missing the mark" as in shooting an arrow and missing your target. There is no shame associated with it, in the actual translation. It just means you missed and that you can try again (and again and again!). I think this is a much healthier and more logical way to think about "sin", for me. J.
Is it a sin - who knows? I DO know that this is not really where you want to be in your life, wishing a person you care for could die just so you can be rid of him. Easier ways to do that, believe me. When I found myself wishing just that, it was a wake up call that there was something very very wrong in my life.
I've been there... I didn't want my Awife to suffer... just to die... or go away... it didn't matter. After I found Al-anon and went to lots and lots and lots of face-to-face meetings (not just this board), I understood that my focus should never be someone else. It should be on me. My behavior, my happiness, my progress.
With love, CJ
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
WOW! You have no idea what your post meant to me. I thought I was the only one that had this same exact question int heir head all the time. What I did learn from the responses is that i REALLY need to get my behind into face to face meetings. I thought i could do it o my own, but i don't think that's the case.
from the bottom of my heart, thank you soooo much for posting this questions.
I send you well wishes, positive thoughts and lots of hugs!
I LOVE MY AH VERY MUCH BUT EVERYDAY I WISH HE WOULD JUST GRACEFULLY DIE IN HIS SLEEP SO HE CAN BE FREE TO BE HAPPY. I DONT KNOW IF IT IS A SIN TO WISH SOMEONE DEAD BUT PROBABLY.. AS FAR AS GOING TO HELL FOR IT WELL THAT WILL HAPPEN ONLY IF YOU AREN'T A CHRISTIAN. HERE MAYBE SOME HUMOR WILL CHEER YOU UP..ENJOY!
Two fraternity brothers...
Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them.
After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer."
Magically, the ocean turns to beer.
Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!"
A little boy wrote to Santa ...
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."
((()) Rj just so you stop beating up on yourself. The other night I had a major fight with my husband and he hadn't been drinking. It was about something really petty. He started, I arced up gave him a mouthful and then said I hope you die a lonely old death. So your actions were pretty mild I reckon. Worst part of my rant was I don't even feel any guilt. lol. Then again I am a stubborn Leo. ((()) Lots of luv. Leo xxx
.... If wishes were fishes.....Take care Rainy, I hope you find some peace tonight.
