The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One of my house mates closely resembles the A in many many ways. He is addicted to playing games on the internet. I'll swear the A spent 4 of the 7 years we were together absolutely glued to the computer. Last January he spent the whole month playing games and didn't work. This housemate also has a really "fused" relationship with his mother. He is absolutely totally entwined with her. Right now he has not worked for a month because he's made it a priority to take care of his mother's house.
When I initially met this man he behaved much like the A did. He was solictious, sweet and kind. Now he's turned into the A!!!! Of course I don't have the relationship I had with the A with him. Nevertheless there is some theme of his totally withdrawing from the world and being glued to his mother.
I' have such incredible expectations of people and then get so upset when they act out. Then I want to re-enact al the stuff that I didn't get to resolve with the A.
This week for the first time a measure of self preservation set in for me. He's off at his mother's house and not even checking to see where his mail is. He got a check and my rescue mode was to run over and make him feel better.
And for once I could see some of the insanity I re-enacted with the A. I felt that if I were angry at his mother somehow he would be able to separate from her. He never did. I could be as angry and have as many emtions as possible about their relationship but it didn't make any difference at all to the way he behaved. As far as I know the A is still totally enmeshed with his mother because one of the last things he said to me was to ask if I had spoken to her. I haven't and I have no intention of speaking to her again.
Talk about insanity trying to make someone be "present" when they are not present.
The irony for me with this man is that if he did move back to his mother's (which his behavior certainly indicates) it would benefit me greatly. He has a much much better room than I have and I could move there. I should have a flag up and be encouraging him to be dysfunctional but all I can think about compulsively is how I want him to get better and how I want to save him from his depression/game playing whatever because that is my only role in life to save everyone around me.
Somehow I'm not in the picture of being saved. I don't kow if its that I'm not worthy or that I have such abandonment issues or what. I am just not in the picture for being saved or being in a better place. I have to save everyone else and die myself but oh no I can't be saved.
(((((((((maresie)))))))))), I know for me when I am keeping the focus on anywhere else but me, that is a form of not taking care of me or I have something I need to work on that I am not ready to face.
What helps for me is the hula hoop trick. Picturing myself in the hula hoop and remembering what it is that I can contol, and that would be the one in the hula hoop, the rest of the world is not in my control.
Keep working on you hun.
Yours in recovery, Mandy
__________________
"We are not punished for our unforgiveness, we are punished by it" Jim Stovall
Dear Mary, I am so glad you have hung in and you are still here.
I want to tell you it concerns me to see you focusing on the people you live with so much. Though I see you not getting totally involved,I have seen them able to control your emotions.
It may seem positive to you becuz the behaviors remind you of the A, however there you are again. In a very sick place, trying to get well.
I know you are in transition again. What keeps you there?
Is the fact that it is all familiar it? I am asking for you not me.
I am very glad you are continuing on, on your tough journey. Especially without family or any close friends.
I wonder if you realize how far you have come?
It concerns me becuz we can get right back into that pit again so easily. We can be pulled right into that rut.
Anyway just my thoughts. You know I care about you. love,debilyn
You have been saved. You found us and this program. Those other people don't have this program. Their lives will most likely not ever improve the way yours has and will continue to. You don't need a knight on a white horse, you have you. You are probably the best "rescue-er" you know. Imagine how well taken care of you will be when you put all of your energy into saving you! I'd say you have done a spectacular job so far!
Well I think for me I can't very well not acknowledge the people I live with. After all I have to come out of my room at some points. At the same time I do very very much focus on me. I do not interact with others very much at all. I really am trying to get together a plan of how to get out of ths current situation. That doesn't exactly happen overnight. After all the A left me penniless without a car and stuck with the animals.
For me the issue is managing my boundaries but also processing what comes up for me. I am absolutely compulsive about going ot the butchers to buy bread that's clear to me now. I am also totally addicted to rescuing. i see someone in trouble I believe it is absolutley my job to fix them and it isn't at all. In fact my hands are far more than full trying to just deal with what I have to daily. The machinations of caring for my animals in one small room with craziness all around me is incredible. For the last 3 months I have been speaking to the landlord about the heat in the part of the house I live in with this man and another woman (both of whom are dysfunctional not to say myself who is also dysfunctional). The landlord has a team of people working for him who are dysfunctional. He is dysfunctional. I have to manage my own frustration at dealing with him. I also have to be cordial with the people I live with. I can have boundaries but I am in no position at the moment to wall myself off especially when we are going through these negotiations around the heating issue.
So to some extent the focus has to be on myself sure but to another extent it has to be on how do I manage to deal with incredible frustration, deprivation and more in a sea of fluctuating resources. I'm not going to snap my fingers and get out of this and find my own place and move across country whatever. For me that's the dilemma. Obviously I managed with the A by totally obsessing about him and trying to control him. I don't do that anymore but nevertheless I do have to "live" where I live and manage some kind of interaction with others.
For me its clear my norm is enmeshment, rescuing, resentment, and feeling a victim. I have to simply change my norm but I am certaninly not in denial that I am going to change the dysfunction around me.
Very interesting awareness here mandy - I would like to draw a parallel that I see, but you will know better than I do whether it actually fits.
You say that both your A and your housemate are terribly enmeshed with their mothers. You say that your housemate was initially kind and solicitous. Is it possible that he (and perhaps your A before him) recognized in you someone who would be a "mommy" to him (the most dysfunctional mommy in the world, of course, who never heard of teaching her child to be independent), someone who would pick him up when he fell, wipe his tears, tell him he was wonderful and he mustn't take wicked Billy's comments to heart, and all in all make it so he doesn't have to grow up....
Except you're not there any more. Maybe you WERE in the past, and maybe you had that aura when you moved in (the "being the mommy" aura), and that's why he was kind and solicitous, because it meshed right with his disease to encourage you to be another mommy to him - but now, because you're getting healthier, he can tell (he can TELL!!!!!!) that you're not such a good bet after all, and is falling back on his actual mommy.
If this fits, it might be interesting to ask yourself what you get out of being another's "mommy", what need in you that might fill. Then you can work on healthier ways of getting that need met. Maybe look more into the job with a vet idea? Or working or volunteering at a day care or children's hospital? Or the Big Brother/Big Sister program?
In any case this sure looks like progress to me - well done.
