YES! I SAID I DONT WANT A PROGRAM BUT I DID NOT SAY I DIDNT NEED IT.
LAST NIGHT A RAGING PYCHO EXPLODED IN MY HEAD AND I ACTUALLY TORE OPEN MY SOUL AND DESTROYED EVERYTHING AROUND ME UNTIL I COULD NO LONGER TELL WHAT ROOM I WAS STANDING IN. LUCKILY IT WAS THE SPARE BEDROOM THAT WE HARDLY USE. I BUSTED MY WRIST . I RAGED ON FOR AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES STRAIGHT. I GOT LUCKY AGAIN STILL BECAUSE MY SON WASN'T HOME. I HAVE NEVER LOST MY TEMPER WITH HIM HOME. DURING MY INSANITY MY VERY DRUNK HUSBAND OPENED THE DOOR AND SCREAMED AT ME TO STOP I SWUNG THE BAT AT HIM JUST TO SHUT HIM UP BUT LUCKILY AGAIN HE MOVED AND I HIT THE DOOR. THANK-GOD! I COULD HAVE KILLED HIM AND AT THE TIME I THINK I WANTED TO. HE WAS SO DRUNK BUT NOT DRUNK ENOUGH, HE WAS DEMANDING I DO THINGS THAT I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO AND WOULD HAVE NEVER EVER ASKED ME TOO IF HE HAD BEEN SOBER. HE WAS VERY ANGRY AND SACRCATSTIC AND FINALY EMBARRASSED ME IN FRONT OF HIS FAMILY, I TRIED TO REASON WITH HIM BUT THERE IS NONE WITH A DRUNK. WE GOT HOME AND HE DEMANDED THINGS AND WHEN I SAID NO HE LOST HIS TEMPER SAYING THINGS SO HURTFUL..I LOST IT..I FINALLY EXPLODED! I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP IN THE WRECK OF A MESS I MADE AND THE NEXT MORNING I GOT UP CLEANED UP THE MESS MADE BREAKFAST FOR EVERYONE WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND HAD A GREAT CONVERSATION WITH MY HUSBAND ABOUT OUR SON WE THEN WENT SHOPPING AND ATE OUT AT OUR FAVORITE RESTURANT WHEN HE STARTED DRINKING AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT WAS WHERE THAT BAT WAS. HERE WE WERE LAUGHING AND THEN BOOM! I WANTED TO HURT HIM. THIS EMOTIONAL WRECK OF A ROLLER COASTER HAS GOT TO STOP. I FEEL LIKE I HATE THE WORLD. GOD HAS FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME. AND IN FIVE MINUTES I WONT FEEL THAT WAY. I HAVE COME TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I REALLY HAVE MENTAL ISSUES. I NEVER EVER WANTED TO ADMIT SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND IF YOU WERE WALK UP TO ME AND ASK ME I WOULD DENY IT. I KNOW I NEED HELP .. BEFORE I KILL HIM. HATE/LOVE I WORKOUT TWICE A DAY JUST TO RELIEVE STRESS AND STILL I AM LOSING IT. I FEEL DEPSPRATE. I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE BUT HOW CAN I HATE AND LOVE SOMEONE ALL AT THE SAME TIME. IT DOESNT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME. WHY DO I HAVE COMPASSION ON HIM SO MUCH THEN ALL THE SUDDEN I WANT HIM TO DIE? IT MAKES NO SENSE .. IT MAKES ME CRAZY.. AREN'T I SUPPOSE TO BE A SUPPORTIVE WIFE AND DIDN'T I TAKE THE OATH BEFORE GOD TO HONOR AND OBEY? HE DOESNT HIT ME.. HE DOESNT RAPE ME HE JUST DOES EVERYTHING ELSE NASTY.I HAVE HIT HIM A FEW TIMES. HE DOESN'T REMEMBER IT. AND ASKS WHERE HE GOT THE BRUISES. AS A MATTER OF FACT HE DOESNT REMEMBER MUCH OF ANYTHING I SAY TO HIM AND WHAT WE DO. HIS LIFE IS A BLUR. THING IS HE IS THE BOSS WHERE HE WORKS AND GETS RAVE REVIEWS &
PROMOTIONS ALL THE TIME. I HATE HIM. NO ONE SEES BUT ME AND HIS MOTHER. I HAVE TO GO I AM AT WORK AND I HAVE TO PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE TO HELP A CUSTOMER

Paws · Member

mURDER dEATH kILL! mE OR hIM?

round3 · Senior Member

Paws - while I certainly can understand the rage, I'm worried for you. Living with an active alcholic tests every ounce of our sanity. Sometimes its too much for us. You sound like you love this man. And I know you HATE his disease. That's where the confusion is hitting you. It's okay to hate his disease. We all do. But we are responsible for our own actions. All of them. Not offering advice - but if I were you, I would be seeking out a good counselor as well as as many face to face Al-Anon meetings as I could find. I worry for your safety, as well as your family's. There's no law that says you must stay with your A. That's a decision you have to make for yourself. But staying in a situation that is so volatile doesn't sound like the healthiest atmosphere. I'm glad you shared what you're going through right now. Please find the help you need to bring serenity back into your life. You DON'T have to live this way.
Peace,
Ellen

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Well now paws thats not working step 2 , your living in insanity and from the sound of it mostly yours , and yur right eventually someone will get hurt the alcoholic drinks we go nuts , hmmmmmmmm something wrong with this picture doncha think , and quite frankly I don't know anyone who wanted a prog but lots of people who need one .
You can keep doing the same thing over and over again hoping this time it will work out diff , or you can do something diff like get a program and recover regardless of what he does .
Like most of us u will do that when your sick and tired of being sick and tired . good luck Louise
Oh yeah we have a saying here that most of us don't like , If your gonna do what u always do , your gonna get what u always got .

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

Of course you are going crazy - living with active alcoholism is way way too hard to do without help. Looks like you are starting to be ready to get that help.

Here are some suggestions of things to do, to make life a little more bearable. Not all of them will appeal to you, that's fine, don't do those. Do the ones that fit into the kind of person you are. You are working out already, which is a great way to get some of the frustration out - I remember hearing someone in alanon saying that whenever she was mad at her husband she'd go out and dig in the garden. Buried him several times over, out there....

Yoga is good, a different way to shed the body of that toxic buildup of rage and frustration.
Journalling - just write it all down, get it out. Don't edit and try to make it sound better, just pour out.
Counselling - there are lots of different ways to get cheap or free counselling. Call the public health nurse and see what is available that way. Churches are good too - mostly they don't care if you are a member, if you are in pain. Just speaking the truth out loud to another human being is enormously freeing, even if they have no real help to give you.
Not going to the fight - if he is drunk and likely to be troublesome, find somewhere else to be. Walk your son over to the playground for an hour or so - by the time you get home, the mood will have changed. Walk the dog, mow the lawn, take a shower... You don't have to attend every fight you are invited to.
Distance yourself mentally. Some people imagine the raging drunk behind glass, or on TV. Some imagine a big sticker on his forehead that says "SICK". Something to take the sting out of the hurtful things he says, and to remind you that he's a sick man, raging out of his own internal pain- it really doesn't have all that much to do with you.
Meetings - can't stress this enough. Meetings are a safe place to pour it all out. You can talk about what is REALLY hapening in your life, without putting a happy face on, and nobody will be shocked, nobody will disapprove. Nobody is going to ask why you don't leave him - they know why.
Keep coming back. We've all been there - I have literally had a red cloud pass in front of my eyes, I was so mad. And, it's crazy - both of us would say and do the most unforgiveable things, and the next day it would be like nothing happened. No wonder our sanity starts to slip. We've all lived with this craziness, some of us for our whole lives. Welcome.

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

It is my experience that I loved the man, I hated the disease.

Once I realized and believed he had a horrible disease,everything changed.

No reason to get mad at a disease.Does nothing,but make me sicker.

My AH even calls the Disease and behaviors he does,"the other guy."

I also believe that is what makes us feel so crazy.We are bounced back and forth, he loves me he doesn't, he's polite to me, he abuses me in public.

He says yes go ahead then says he hates it.

Of course that would make anyone nuts. I mopped the floor, he let the muddy dogs in. I made a great dinner, he fed it to the dogs, and on and on.

My sincere concern is the rage people allow to take them over. It can be as much of a high as drugs.Some people come to need that in their lives.

It really is not a lot different than A behavior. That is why we have Anger Management to treat skills to avoid it.

Paws there are people in jail and prison for acting out on rage.

If you can do this, look back at what you described to us as a tv show. What do you think that family needs?

We cannot control anyone but ourselves or change anyone but ourselves. NO ONE can make a fool of us or embarass us in front of anyone else unless we agree to it.

Please keep coming back. love,debilyn

Jean4444 · ~*Service Worker*~

Tina, I strongly encourage you to get some professional help as soon as you can. At the very least, take yourself out of contact with him for the safety of everyone concerned. Its seems like your life is pretty digital as in on or off, black and white,+/o, just one little flip of the switch and everything becomes the opposite of what it was. Not a good sign. love/hate, etc.

I almost hurt my AH and needed to not be near him, FAST almost 2 years ago. I had become a real monster. I was dead inside and capable of anything in any split second. I had lost every shred of my humanity. I was insane. Its been almost two years and I have healed a lot but if I had not taken that one step to get away from him/the situation and get help, one of us would be dead today, I am certain.

Believe me, I am not your usual raging Jerry Springer type. Murder is so not my style but when no one is home and your heart is dead and you are in so much denial and faking absolutely everything, you lose everything that makes you, you. You become a dead person with no sense of any morals or even any kind of fore thought or awareness of what you are doing until its too late.

My HP told me to pick up and leave and I thank god for that.

The choice is yours. I decided that I preferred to be out in the world instead of locked up wearing an orange jumpsuit for the rest of my life. Good luck, J.

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I remember thinking one night when he was drunk and ranting and raving about what a bitch I was, screaming at me for every possible thing, even things that didn't make sense. Anyway, I remember thinking I could say he fell in the pool, they would never know I pushed him. They would believe me and it would look like an accident. Then I thought, when it comes to the point that you're seriously weighing out the benefits of killing someone you ought not be with them anymore. That was one of the things that helped me to leave him. The fact that I knew the thought of killing him had seriously entered my mind. Now, after over a year has passed, I don't think there is anything that could get me that angry with him. See, the thing is I just don't care anymore. I hope he comes out ok, but my life doesn't rely on it anymore. It's very freeing!

All I can say from that experience and others is that hate and rage and resentment are very draining and although it seems like you are focusing on yourself because you depend on him so therefore him being "good" improves your life in reality it's not fair to ask someone else to be something they're not to please you. Even if it's the "norm" or you should be able to expect it. His life is his life and if he wants to waste it away being drunk and going by in a blur that's his choice. Your job is to accept that and do what you're going to do with it for you.

I think the hardest thing for me was to work in reality see what is really going on instead of my fantasy of what I hoped he would change into or be again. He is what he is. For me it was love him or leave him and in my case it was both. I loved him and still left him and then the love faded and I realized it was really more of an obsession than love. Now I just hope he gets better but if not I am not affected either way.

Tiger2006 · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm really worried for you. This time it was a bed room, next time it might be a human. If you had done this to your husband, drunk or not, the police would have taken YOU.
I'm with the others, you need to get professional help, like YESTERDAY.

Paws · Member

Thank-you

thank-you for your kind words they really do make a difference. I don't share much with other people what goes on in my own world. i feel like when i am out that my home is an alien planet far far away. it is so different at home than anywhere else on the planet for me. at work i am positive and a smile is what i am remembered for, i am a trianer at curves for women. some consider me a life coach. it is so shameful for me to admit to anyone what I am going through with my husband and most that know me would never believe that i have been married to an alcoholic for 16 years. I keep myself in shape and educated, i go to school even still and look forward to getting up in the morning and going to work. I love my job and wish it paid good enough for me to leave my husband and still have time for my son but it doesn't and the last thing i he needs is for me to be at work all the time trying to support us. i am doing good today and have laughed most of the day... but tonight when i get home to a drunk husband i know he will adjust my mood. i have read the book telling of how to detach but how on earth do i do that without falling out of love with my husband? I do love him very much and i know that he is in there somewhere drowning. i don't want to be the wife that left her sick husband when he needed her the most. i vowed for better or for worse but i wasn't bargaining on this life. i have beeen throwing things and screaming till my the little viens in my head pop but i will find a way to cope. i suppose i should start the alanon steps. i have no idea what they are and need to find them. my son needs it too. thank-you again for your kind words.

Paws

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.