The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my boyfriend really did mean to hang himself last night! he failed. i just got the call from the hospital to bring him some clothing. his neck is injured. no other details than that. why did i ask him to leave, why did i kick him out last night??????????? i have no idea how to deal with this!!! i am alone with my child, no family to call, no friends in the area yet. what do i do???????
__________________
To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
This is a horrible situation to be in, and I have been where you are. Your decissions do not effect other peoples behavor unless they want it to. It was his decission to do something stupid in light of your decission to take care of yourself.
He is in good hands now, so the one to take care of now is you! I am glad you came here.
1-888-4AL-ANON is a number and there are human voices to talk to that know what you are going through.
Love and prayers for you right now!
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 13:31, 2008-01-02
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Take a deep breath. You will deal with this because you can. Do the next thing that you have to do. A suicide attempt that lands a person in the hospital usually means a psy evaluation and a 48 hour or longer manditory stay. You AH might get the help he needs. I would say that his reaction to your asking him to leave is really just a manipulation on his part. Suicidal people kill themselves because they can no longer go on with the hurt they feel within themselves regardless of what people aroung them do or do not do. My ex attempted suicide many times in his life, never was sucessful because he never wanted to kill himself, he just wanted to manipulate what he felt like he was losing control over. He OD'd once and I kept him alive till the ambulance got there. I called the police on him numerous times, he was taken to psy wards and put on meds but it never stuck because he didn't do it as a cry for help he did it to "get back at" me or "make me feel".
You are in NO WAY responsible for what he chose to do. It is not your fault, there is nothing you should have done differently, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Now go back and read that again because the only way you will be able to do what you need to do and keep yourself sane is by knowing that you are NOT his HP and you cannot control another human being and their actions. You are NOT that powerful.
Now, take another deep breath, hug your little one and do what you need to do. We are here for you and you will get thru this....
I'm sorry that happened! You know this is absolutely IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT!!! I know you think it is because you kicked him out but if you live the rest of your life walking on eggshells around a person who might kill themselves if you say or do something they don't like then what kind of life will that be for YOU? If it were me, I would tell them about his issues, and that he had threatened suicide and ask them to hospitalize him. If you take him back after doing something like this it is a reinforcement for the behavior and he'll know that every time you do something he doesn't like all he has to do is cry suicide and you'll deal with anything.
As for your question why did I kick him out last night, this is an EXCELLENT time to be getting out a pen and paper and writing a list that you can see and review that answers that question. I am also in a place that is 3000 miles from my family and I have been here 2 years and have only one close friend that has become close in recent months, so I know how that feels and it's scary. But I can also say that I have managed to support 3 kids here for a year and a half and I know it can be done! Do you have someone you can call? Have you been to a face to face meeting? If so call someone on the phone list. If not, get to one ASAP!
If I were you... I would under NO circumstances reward that behavior! In my opinion reward is anything that acknowledges it because if it doesn't work to get a rise out of you (and I'm SURE that was the intent) then it won't be tried again. By the way, that is the ultimate form of emotional abuse!
carolinagirl wrote:My advice to you is under no circumstances reward that behavior! In my opinion reward is anything that acknowledges is because if it doesn't work to get a rise out of you (and I'm SURE that was the intent) then it won't be tried again. By the way, that is the ultimate form of emotional abuse!
I couldn't agree with this more. It IS the ultimate form of emotional abuse.
Do NOT pick up the guilt he is trying to throw onto you.
__________________
"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
If all goes as it should, he will get a psychiatric evaluation. From now on, if you stay in contact with him, you have every reason and every right to call the cops every time he threatens suicide. If he means it, then he needs more help than you can give him. If he doesn't, and is using this to control you, he'll get tired of being hospitalized every time he says the word suicide.
I'm going to say this part again, because I think it is so important - If he means it, then he needs more help than you can give him. You are not a doctor, you are not God. You can't keep him alive, and you should not be trying to. At home, with an untrained, terrified loved one, is not the place for a suicidal person.
Sadako, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. I know you were up late last night because you were worried ( i was in the chat room). When I read what you were writing, I had a few thoughts run through my head:
1) he's trying to get attention 2) he's trying to control you by getting to your emotions 3) if he really wanted to end his life, he would have. This was a cry for attention not a suicide attempt.
I can't imagine what you are going through but please know you are being supported here. There are so many great bits of advice that people have already given you. Even if you feel alone, you are not. I'd like to think that after chatting for a couple of hours last night, I can call you a friend. And Friend, I am here for you. (((hug)))
I can only give you my ESH. When I am in crisis mode I don't hesitate to call crisis lines. If you feel really desperate and alone call crisis lines until you feel better. Don't hesitate to call more than one. I have often called crisis lines all day until I felt less desperate. Thankfully I do not have to do that much anymore. I have often often often been absolutely totally overwhelmed by the A's actions so I had to seek some way to feel less desperate, less alone, less paralyzed with emotion. So I kept calling crisis lines until I felt less totally on the wall. Then I began looking at where I could get counselling. There are often places that offer counselling short term and in a crisis. Another thing I did when I first came to this place was to sit in the chat room. There are always always always wonderful people in the chat room here I felt much less alone then.
I am no longer in crisis mode. Crises dont' go on for ever. We have all been there and done that. There is no need to worry about being a burden or any of those things. When I felt less like I was absolutely out of my mind with worry and fear I could take actions concretely that changed my life. While I was in crisis I had to concentrate on that I was in a crisis and work to feel less overwhelmed.
We often say here to let go of the past , but for me sometimes we have to remember exactly the way it was so that we don't go back . I am sure u had good reason to ask him to leave your home . Your not the reason he did this . So dont take this on he made a choice had nothing to do with you . What to do ?? please find some meetings for yourself talk things out with people who understand the dilema your living with pack baby up and go and find some peace of mind . Louise
thank you all ... i called the 888 # for Al-Anon but it says to call before 6pm, and for local groups look in my white pages. which i've already done, there's a meeting in the next state over that i can't get to. otherwise i'd love to go f2f!! i'll try the 888 # again tomorrow.
he is in the hospital, that's why i had to bring clothes there. he asked for 3 days worth of clothes, and said they have laundry, so i'm assuming he's in for at least 3 days? he's been a drug and alcohol counselor in this area for many years and has told me how they all know him in the mental ward, for helping so many people in and out of there.
my mantra is "he's getting help, he's getting help" and then praying and more praying.
he had to have tried to hang himself where someone would see him and find him quickly, if his neck is injured. i know it's a cry for help. but it happened right after i asked him to leave, i just keep playing that over and over in my head. then i tell myself everything happens for a reason, and go back to "he's getting help, he's getting help." i feel like i'm going around in a spiral all day. i have a few friends online i can talk to tonight, i hope that will help.
no crisis lines here other than the women's center, i called and they're closed for the day. i need to get the babe to bed and would love to sit in the chat room tonight here. thank you again
__________________
To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
I'm very sorry to learn that he did what he did. I do hope you will come to understand that no matter what, you did not drive him to attempt suicide. It was his choice. His response to being asked to leave. As everyone has written, it's not your fault.
I have some very dysfunctional people in my immediate family. My brother, who is addicted to pot, attempted to end his life when his girlfriend- business partner kicked him out and would not allow him back in. In my opinion, he really was trying to pull her strings. The way he chose to supposedly kill himself is irrelevent.
My mother, who suffers from borderline personality disorder, attempted to end her life, too. Like my brother, she wasn't really serious about ending her life as much as she was trying to manipulate us. She did end up in a psych ward for several days. She says they did not treat her well at all. Consequently, since they didn't cater to her, she says that if she ever attempts suicide again, she will make certain that she succeeds. She has never attempted again. She often mentions the horrible experience in that ward.
My step-father, who was bipolar, did commit suicide. He meant business. His choice pretty much guaranteed death.
I do understand how it feels when a loved one attempts suicide and actually does. In all three cases, I questioned what I could have done to perhaps prevent their attempts. But I truly believe that it was not in my control.
I do hope that you can reach out and the right person or persons help you.
quote: why did i ask him to leave, why did i kick him out last night???????????
Wow! Do you really think you have that kind of power over someone? Nope, you don't!
The very best thing you can do is to not make this about you in any way. Allow him the dignity to work this through without being coddled and without taking on responsibility that is not yours. No one can ever hit bottom if someone is racing to stick a pillow under their butt. Please do not share this dysfunction with him. It's all his. He's in the best place he can be right now.
Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
