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i posted earlier on this board about what my A was doing/saying, and got some excellent advice (i'm sorry i'm not better about posting thank you's!). a lot of it i had gone through way back with a codependent partner, in counseling, so i just lived my life and trusted him to live his. i did always say directly to him, "i feel hurt when you _____" i've tried so hard to stay away from blaming behaviors or getting all engaged in his behaviors. i've practiced detachment. he has laughed and said i have a "black belt in Al-Anon" quite a few times.
he made a new commitment to me, sort of an engagement, on Christmas Day. which was so fantastic! but the happiness only lasted 4 days, and he started getting negative and blaming again :( then today we wrote letters back and forth to each other on the computer, which i love to do. after he want to sleep, i opened the letter to re-read it, to see if i could better understand him. he'd added "Then deal with it you basket case. It is not my responsibility to walk around on pins and needles so I don't say something that offends your emotions" right where i had asked him plainly to think before he speaks, and that i feel hurt when he yells at me.
that with all the rest of the behavior, i just snapped. i woke him up, asked him to leave. he's always said he has so many friends he can go to in the middle of the night, when he's threatned to leave me before, so i trusted him on that. he has TONS of friends, all of them either AA, NA or Al-Anons. i don't know if i should feel bad i did it at night?? i didn't want him here in the morning when my 3-yr-old daughter wakes up, that's why i asked him to leave in the night, not in front of her which could be traumatic.
he did turn it traumatic, he first got mad and said he's breaking up with me, i'm not kicking him out he's leaving, etc. then handed me a break-up letter i suppose he wrote earlier. i asked him to use the phone to call his friends, or take my cellphone with him. he said no. i asked him, did he still have love for me, as i do for him? he said "no." i nodded and saw him out.
he knocked on the door about 20 min. later, upset that he needed his meds. i said "of course i'll get them!! hold on!" i thought he'd grabbed them earlier. he yelled no, said he had to come in to get them, he needed a place to stay tonight. RED FLAGS went off in my head!! i offered him my cell phone again, he said no, i said to wait while i packed his meds for him and would be right down. he said no to that also, then he said something i couldn't hear, i asked what was it, and he said "i'm going to warm the rope up" and ran off. i packed his meds anyway, but by then he was gone. he can NOT live without these meds, literally!
i don't think he means it about the rope, i mean, i've heard of people being held hostage by other people threatening suicide, that it's only a threat. later i re-read his break up letter, and in it he makes a little sort of will, saying he's leaving me some of his stuff. but then he goes on to say he'll be back for a lot of things.
does this mean he's going to kill himself?? am i wrong for kicking him out on a cold night? but all his friends he's spoken of ... i've met them, i trust him to call them and i trust them to take good care of him. i just wanted time to THINK and not traumatize my daughter in the morning!! (he's left for work early so she won't think it's unusual he's gone, we can talk about it later in the day.)
what do i do if he keeps coming back to the door? i told him i didn't want to talk to him again til tonight (wed.) after my babe's bedtime. but now i'm not sure at all, with a suicide threat, if i feel safe having him in the house! i can't meet him at a neutral place, i have no vehicle and i'd have to drive.
i'm 99% sure he isn't drinking or using again, but i could swear he IS, his behavior is so similar to another A i knew who relapsed. i don't know if i did the right thing, i think i did then 2 minutes later i feel guilty, what kind of woman throws a man out in the middle of a cold night? then i feel calm and sure again.
i'm sorry for going on and on. i hate to ask for support when i've offered none here, but there is no local meeting in this small area unfortunately. oh i wish there was! but it looks like there is more support here online anyway, and i know now i need to become a part of this community, giving and not just taking.
thank you for any advice or encouragement. if my situation is unclear, please ask me any question, i don't mind.
-- Edited by sadako at 04:05, 2008-01-02
-- Edited by debilyn at 16:13, 2008-01-02
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To know the darkness is to love the light, to welcome dawn and fear the coming night.
Looking for "calm" is never wrong. It appears there is some verbal abuse and you need to do what you need to do. No one here will tell you that you are right or wrong but we will offer support and tell you that YOU and your child are most important.
I will say that it sounds like there is verbal abuse and you are under no obligation to live with it. It may seem cold to say...but as far as his veiled threats about suicide...you have no control over that either. The reality is that like drinking, if he wants to do anything drastic he will do it and there is nothing you can do. Even if he outright threatens suicide and is committed to a hosp. they will hold him for observation and let him go.
What I would suggest you ? You can't make him do anything. You've asked him to leave. I see you said you would talk this evening. Is there anything else that needs to be discussed? Mean what you say and say what you mean. In or out? The back and forth/ in and out will create more drama and insanity with both parties.
Alcoholics are master manipulators but we can be real good at it too. Did you ask him to leave because that is what you really want for good? Or was it to try to force him in to some something he's not capable of right now?
Ask yourself the hard questions and you'll find answers.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
1) Alcoholics and drug users will say things they do not mean. I learned not to dwell on what has been said, and instead, study a person's actions.
2) If a person commits suicide, it's not because of anything I said or did. While suicide threats should be taken seriously, many times, they are means to manipulate others. When my husband went through this stage, right before going into a rehab, I didn't respond to his subtle threats. I acted as though I didn't even hear them. Any time I began to worry that he might carry through with his threat, I reminded myself that his HP will take care of him.
3) I have to take care of myself and when I do, others benefit usually. One way I take care of myself is to make decisions that are in my best interest, not my recovering alcoholic. It wasn't an easy, fast lesson. It took many years, many tears, many sleepless nights. In reflection, I see that all I put myself through was so unneccessary. But I did and I do not beat myself up over the mistakes.
4) I have also learned not to give advice, only share my experiences. I see that many on this board do, and I certainly do not object. Often, great advice is given here. I try to refrain from giving advice, even though it is often on the tip of my tongue, because when I first began the process of taking a stand for myself I found another board online. I began to participate, I shared advice and immediately got banned from that site! It was very devastating for me to get banned at a time I needed help so desparately. That is when I sought private counseling and reading many books. Then, I found this board.
Hi, I went through the same feelings when I first moved out and left my A. I felt guilty, I was scared that I wouldn't make it on my own, that I couldn't take care of myself, that I wasn't capable of stepping up to the plate and supporting 3 kids on my own. What if I got sick? What if I hated my job and was stuck there now? What if what if what if. My A also made suicide threats, goes from being nice to mean, feels entitled to EVERYTHING, etc. I look back now and think wow was that really me? It has been almost 1 1/2 years and I am a completely different person. I had many people here who told me that standing up for myself is NOT being mean. That sticking by what I have said is NOT MEAN. That taking care of myself and the kids and expecting the other adult (I know he doesn't seem like one) to take care of himself is NOT being mean!! It was hard for me to accept at first. Now it is a given.
I remember even after moving out letting the A come over to use the shower (he was homeless - talk about guilt...), use the computer, the phone, the cell phone, etc. I was always sorry. My cell phone would disappear. I would have to deal with innuendos and arguments about what I was doing on my computer, who I was chatting with, etc. Things would disappear from the house. Mind you, all the while I"M at work and HE"S in my house doing whatever. Eating my food, my kids' food. Watching my TV running up the electric bill while he contributes NOTHING! Finally, I learned that there is nothing wrong with taking care of myself and not worrying about him. I know that's a hard place to get to though. It's ok to say no, let him be a big boy and figure out ALL his own crap. I remember washing his clothes after he had been out for months and my boss looked at me and said girl, what is wrong with you? Now it all makes sense. Now I see the light. I guess the problem is you have to bump around in the darkness for a while and feel some bad feelings to get through to the light.
