The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting before Thanksgiving and felt pretty good about it. It helped me a lot. I haven't been able to get back because my AH crashed my car and insurance is slow so I haven't been able to get a new car yet. I decided to go to a meeting because for the past three years, whatever I tried did not work and I wanted to learn more in order to try something different and known to be effective.
The brief essentials about my experiences is that 2 months before my wedding,my husband was arrested for possesion of speed and after a lengthy litiguous while, he was convicted. He had to complete classes and community service. We still got married. There have been many lies about money and where he is at. He hid alcohol and prescription meds all over the house. Then there were purchases from online vet places and I found animal steroids and human growth steroids around. Things would mellow out for a few months but every 3-4 months, he would have an angry bout. He started out patient rehab after Thanksgiving, a 45 day program, and quit after three weeks. During those three weeks, things were good. He went through withdrawals but his personality mellowed out and he had some epiphanies about his addiction and his actions for the past 3 years and where he wanted to focus his future upon. After he quit, I found Vicodins again and his sporadic and angry behavior returned. Not physically violent but yelling and demeaning. He rammed his head into a wall at our condo and now we have a huge hole as a reminder of his anger. I found more steroids and threw them out when he wasnt't home and he has been going crazy for the past two days trying to find "an electronic package" he is suppossed to send out for an ebay buyer. lies lies lies.
There's a lot more but that's the gist of things. I don't know what to do. I want to be supportive and help his recovery but I am so unhappy and hurt so much. What am I suppossed to do?
It is time for you to take care of yourself and concentrate on your recovery. Alanon is a great first step. This message board and we have meeting here online at Miracles of Recovery. You will find that everyone here understands what you are going through and we have alot of experience, strength, and hope to share with you.
Perhaps you can come to a meeting online with us. The meetings are held in the MIP, Miracles of Progress, chat room. There is a link on the main page. The meeting times are also posted there. There is a evening meeting at 9 EST.
Thank you for your support. I know I need to recover and take care of myself but it's really hard to do with my AH here creating havoc. Even right now, I am in tears because he's acting so sporadic and it's upsetting me. I fell like if I stay, I can't get better. Am I being selfish by thinking about divorce?
I understand about having your AH right there creating havok. I still live with my AH. Your safety is always first. Are you safe?
When I first came into Alanon it was suggested to me that I give Alanon 6 months before I made any life alterning decisions. It's not always the best to make decisions when you are so emotional.
Sometimes after working the program ppl learn to be happy with themselves and they are able to continue living happily with their A's. Sometimes seperation is the only choice for some ppl.
I am in the process of trying to make that decision for myself. I will tell you that I have been in the program for 4 months now. I have so many tools now that has helped with the quality of my life here at home. It has helped me deal so much better with the havok that my AH creates in our life. I react different to the situations now and that helped me so much gain some peace in my life.
I would love for you to come to one of our meetings.
I am safe in the sense that he is not physically violent to me or our 14 year old stepson. I am just so unhappy and miserable. I have tried to commit suicide twice this year but am so scared dying. Two nights ago he said that his entire recovery is hindered because of me and that he hates me. He apologized for that yesterday but his countless apologies have pretty much lost any meaning. His periodic bouts usually are like blackout period for him and when he comes around, he doesn't remember anything. He has a family history of bipolar and of schizophrenia but I don't know if that has any bearing on him. We tried Marriage and Family Therapy but after one meeting, he felt like he was being ganged up on and didn't want to return. He wants me to automatically trust him like nothing has ever happened after each bout because he says that we can't live in the past if we want him to get better. I can't forget what has happened again and again. It's made me suspicious of everything about AH. And when I do find stuff (like ask him questions or sit and cry to myself), he gets so angry and says that I always expect him to mess up. Today, his response to me being upset about his behavior (not being able to sit still, unknown whereabouts, rubbing his face, scratching his head exessively, etc) is blamed on how everybody assumes that he is on drugs again and it pisses him off. I don't think that he is on speed because he has to do a urine drug test when he goes to his PO and hasn't had a dirty result yet. But I do think that the Ambiens, Lunestas, Viocodins, Norcos, and about 10 other medications mess with his head. He has severe gouty arthristis, along iwth other medical conditions, and take a number of medications for the gout but he self-medicates and uses the medical conditions as excuses. Like I said in an earlier post, I found steroids and needles last night. I threw them out. He hasn't held a steady job since early 2005 and gets mad that I make decent money and he doesn't. He went back to school for his bachelors and is mad that I am working on my masters. A medical assitant at his doctor's office set up a plan to have him get extra viocodins and other meds and the med. assistant could sell them and give him a portion of the profits. He says he didn't go in on the deal but he still keeps in touch with that guy and has text messages about having hte goodies for him and how he can't leave our house because I know something is up and on his case. Our friend got married 12/30 and AH was acting odd so I didn't want to go. I was already crying and he was already yelling. We ended up going to the reception but he wanted to drink and started to yell at my stepson so I said that I wanted to get out of there. Whil we were walking out to the car, he ran off in the opposite direction and we couldn't find him for 2+ hours. We got a call 2+ hours later saying that my stepson's aunt picked him up and brought him back to the house. Two nights ago, he packed his car to leave me and his son.
These are things in the past few days and if I wrote all 3 years' occurrences out, it would be a novel. I just don't know how he can expect me to trust him when he does things like this. Am I suppossed to forget about it all and let him continue to have chance after chance without any acknowledgment? How can I try to explain to him that I don't trust him. .. even if he did have a good four weeks of being honest and making good choices but then reverts back to the turmoil? He feels like those four weeks are a waste of time because nobody gives him recognition for them but during those four weeks I tell him how proud of him I am.
Thanks for listening guys and for offering my any insight you may have.
Welcome to the MIP family. Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the ). I urge you to find some local Alanon meetings. They are incredibly helpful. If you can't get to one, please join us for our online meetings here or come into the chat room. We are always here for you. I found going back and reading old posts is extremely helpful. I still do.
I remember feeling lost and confused. But Alanon has given me the tools to cope with whatever comes my way. I can make choices that are in the best interest for me. We teach you how to live with addiction while taking the focus off the A and putting on you where it belongs. Sound impossible? It's not. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses sobriety or not. It's about taking back your life. It's about living the life you so richly deserve.
Remember none of this is your fault. He has a disease that is all comsuming. You can't cure it for him. You can't control or change. I found that throwing the vodka out did no good. It only delayed the inevitable. An addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, sober or not. There is nothing you can do about it.
Please keep coming back to us. I wish you a peaceful and serene New Year. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome lost. Im kinda new here as well. Please stay with us . They have already done a ton of stuff for me just by giving me there compassion and love. its only been a couple of days since I started here and already I feel a little better. last night I spend about 4 hours here just reading everyones experiences. Just remember to take care of you. You are important! Remember that and keep coming back.
Welcome to MP. yOu have come to the right place for Experience, Strength and Hope. You are not alone. This is a disease. YOu didn't cause, it can't cure it, and can't control it. Keep coming back and going to meetings.
You can be Found again. You are doing the right thing to reach out, to take a realistic look at where you are, and where you want to be. AlAnon is great beginning.
That's a hard look to take. I've been in AlAnon for four years, finally moved with my children to a different house four months ago. So many speeches of justification for his actions, so many reasons I'm wrong for moving out, how terribly I've hurt him. Still he drinks, his sexual addictions worsen.
At least I have my boys out of the immediate enviroment. We still aren't "free." There's still communication, I keep hanging on hoping the AH will hurt bad enough to want/choose a sober life. My sponsor tells me he may be one of the "unfortunates" talked about in the big book - those who find it impossible to be honest with themselves.
So I struggle with what to do. Yet, I know by giving myself a different home, a safe home, that I am doing what's best for me and my boys. I let the program help me one day at a time. My HP is working miracles for me, and he will for you too.
Susan in Texas
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Plan B? Yea, Plan B - sounds so official, especially when we're flying by the seat of our pants! (from Dukes of Hazzard, paraphrased by my teenager)
Aloha Lost!! Welcome and your post took my breath away. It reminded me of so many other personal stories that I have heard in the rooms of the Al-Anon Family Groups and it reminds me of my own especially when I made the decision to go ahead with the marriage to my alcoholic having a sick feeling in my gut that I should not and that it would be a disaster which it was. I remember also the thinking I could some how make up for the destruction the disease brought into our home(s) and our personal lives including family. I made a serious mistake in judgement and tried to hang with it. In the end my sponsor told me that if in my inventory I found that I had made a mistake and was still trying to make it right without hope of success and full participation from my alcoholic it was important that I correct the mistake; reverse it if necessary. I still work that suggestion in all my affairs. It isn't easy sometimes and it is not mean't to be easy. If your addict has gotten angry enough to plow a hole in the wall with his head...he is out of control and you might not be in trouble "yet" and you are in trouble. Today I work for the solutions before hindsight becomes an emergency call. We can judge how a person in this program is recovering and succeeding in their recovery by the courageous decisions they make to create a safe and secure and loving atmosphere for themselves.
Welcome here. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers along with your addict who really needs a miracle. He isn't hanging with even a ordered recovery program. He is out of control and things will only get worse. OUCH!!
Welcome to MIP you will find many friends here who share your experiences. This is a safe place to share, to vent, and to pray for each other.
I encourage you to attend the online meetings until you can get transportation. I too was without hope and lost before I started coming here.
Now I am looking forward to my best year ever in 2008, even though my AH is still drinking. I am working on me and my program and for the first time in 34 years I am at peace and happy. THIS PROGRAM WORKS.
Love and Blessings,\
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
I remember finding needles and talking to my mother in law about it and her saying imagine that there are women in the world who would never even have the thought of finding needles cross their minds. We were talking about a woman she knew who would be afraid to sit on the couch at her house because she might get poked with a needle. I found many many many needles stashed around my house and in the carport and, and, and... I had small children too and some were within their reach. That seemed ok or normal or at least acceptable to me at some point. Now it seems outrageous and scares the hell out of me. My A has Hep C and the kids could have been poked and sick for life. I think we listen to them minimize the craziness for so long that we begin to make it ok in our own minds somehow. It's NOT ok!
Your A sounds just like my A and just like many others' on here. I left about 1 1/2 years ago. Everyone has their own choice to make but for me I couldn't have a serene life living with the outbursts of an A every day! I KNOW I made the right decision now! When you're in it it's hard to see the way out but each step toward peace leads to a much better place!
Thank you for sharing with me your scary experiences. When he got arrested in 2005, he jeopardized my career. Teachers have a morality clause about DUI and substance possession, etc. I'm still afraid about my job.
I'm really been thinking about my future and have learned that alanon suggests to wait 6 months while in the program before making life changing decisions. It's reassurring to hear both sides of the story from people who have experienced and are living with their choices. Did you feel guilty at first? Do you still feel guilty? If so, how do you cope with the guilt?
I'm a teacher, too. When I was with my AH, I always worried about him driving under the influence and jeopardizing my job, too. I would plead with him to stop. But we all know how helpful that is
One day, I got the nerve to seek an attorney and ask him what I could do to protect myself financially. I filed for divorce and moved out of our home. Our divorce is on 'hold.' He does appear to have seen the light and is living a healthy, sober lifestyle. He even gets up at 4 in the morning to walk ever day. Hey, this guy NEVER exercised before.
Wishing you the courage to do what is right for you, Stormie
I forgot to address your question of guilt. Yes, I felt somewhat guilty and selfish when I moved out and filed for divorce. The first 3 weeks of my leaving, my husband spiraled downward fast. He went on a 3-week drunk; he said he couldn't sleep much or eat, and no amount of whiskey would knock him out to sleep long. To work through the guilt, I read and re-read several books and contemplated what my psych told me to ask myself whenever guilt set in.
Now, my husband, whom I'm still living apart from, thanks me for filing and leaving, for it woke him up. I hope he never falls asleep again!
Here you will find great experience, hope, strength, wisdom and humor (good for the 
). I urge you to find some local Alanon meetings. They are incredibly helpful. If you can't get to one, please join us for our online meetings here or come into the chat room. We are always here for you. I found going back and reading old posts is extremely helpful. I still do. 
