The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hub came in from work, fed the cat. I was all dressed up, makeup on, etc. He never even looked at me. Drove to my daughter's to watch baby while she went to Walmart. Came home, hubby was across the street with his buddies drinking. He came in, I was on the couch. He took a shower, I thought "maybe" we may have a reconciliation of some sort as it was a holiday...but NO...... He got cleaned up, showered, and changed clothes, then out the back door he went, back across to the neighbor's. Oh well, at least I don't have to go. Was going to go to the dance hall, but tickets for the party were $25, and that didn't include anything to drink. And I was afraid it would mostly be couples, and that would make me sadder. But, I drove down there. Took all my Keith Urban CDs and my little personal headset. Just sat in the parking lot, and watched a bunch of people go in, but no one I know well. Lots of singles. But, I sat in the car, listened to my music, cried as I grieved over the loss of my marriage, how I never wanted it to be this way. And things are so bad, it's getting to where neither one of us cares anymore, I guess. I am so sad. Hubby never did come home. Guess he stayed over there, his truck is still in our drive. Who knows. Who cares. I'm going to do something fun for me today. Not sure what, but I am getting out the house for a while. I wish I could turn up Keith Urban loud enough to burn those songs in my head, so I don't have to listen to all the reruns of the conversations my AH and I had, back when we loved each other. I hate this disease. But, I am getting better. After I drove back home from the dance place, I just took my CDs to bed, and slept with the headset on. And I slept all night, without hubby even here. I used to walk the floor, and get sick to my stomach, and scream Now I just go to sleep. Hoping my dream will be better.
You had me in tears when I read he just went out the door.
Honey he is not leaving you,the drug/addiction is taking him. Still hurts the same.
Thinking of you sitting alone in the parking lot...geez Beckers. My heart is broken for you.
Am glad you can now go to sleep, and let it all go. I know when ya wake up it hits you in the heart. I wake up and feel around and remember everyone in my bed has fur...
Sometimes I forget where I am
I hope you can keep growing and building your own life.
Very glad you shared here.Wish you could come over and go sit by the river with me,and smell the fir needles on the damp ground.
My thoughts and Prayers are with you. I have had those very same feelings and sometimes it just seems to much. Hope today things are better. Thinking of you. Sis
I'm sorry you had a rough start to the New Year. But at the same time, I see you starting to take care of yourself more. That's a positive sign. I don't normally make New Year's Resolulions. But this year, I think I resolve to work harder at my recovery. To do the best that I can do, no matter what happens to hubby. I owe it to myself to be as emotionally and physically healthy as I can be. The physical side seems to be a bit tougher at times. Here's hoping your New Year is filled with much more happier moments than not. Much love and blessings to you and your family. Pipers wishes all your kitties a HAPPY NEW YEAR, filled with lots of mice!
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Update, it is almost 8 am, hub still not home, hope to be out of here before he does come home. Trying to think of something to do to keep busy, without spending a lot of $$$. I should probably be trying to figure out how to leave but I am honestly too tired right now. I have left other relationships, and I know what it feels like to want to leave at all costs. And I am not there yet. Wish I were. I know I need to be around people today. May go to the mall to sit and people watch. May go to a cheap movie, it starts at 1pm. Back to work tomorrow after being off since the 22nd. Wish I had gotten more done around the house, but have been doing what I can. Hard to move around much with a broken heart.Here are the words to a Keith Urban song I listened to and cried to last night, many times.
If You Wanna Stay
Go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay My heart's not a game you can play with and put away Baby tryin' to figure you out, could make a (wo)man go insane So just go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay...
Dream what you want to dream be who you gotta be I never wanna be the one who kept you from being free But (boy) I gotta know what you want, 'cause I've taken all I can take So just go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay...
Every time you decide, to spread your wings and fly... You make the same mistake, and I can't take any more goodbyes So baby just go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay...
I don't wanna lose everything our love has made But I don't wanna feel alone whenever you go away So just go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay..
Mmmmm baby, just go if you wanna go, stay if you wanna stay...
Deb, I would love to come sit on the damp pine leaves with you, and smell the fresh Eden air. I sometimes wake up, and forget where I am, too, and how my life hurts. Then my eyes open and it is like taking a sledgehammer blow to the heart. I don't want to have to get hugs and kisses from someone other than my husband. I should not have to resort to that, but I must admit it does help, some. A band-aid, I know.
Well, I got Keith Urban packed up in his little carrying bag, and fresh batteries, so I am off to parts unknown.
You are not alone Becky and it does hurt. But it is so big of you to go to that dance even if it is sitting in the parking lot. It means that life goes on with or without them as hard as it is.
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF HE IS FAITHFUL TO YOU? WOULD YOU STAY WITH HIM IF HE WEREN'T? I DO FEEL FOR YOU FOR I AM IN A TERRIBLE RELATIONSHIP WITH MY A. I LOVE HIM TERRIBLY AND HE IS NASTY WHEN HE IS DRUNK BUT YET I STAY AND TAKE ALL THE ABUSE. MOST OF THE TIME I FEEL LIKE I AM FORGOTTEN BY GOD AND EVERY ONE ELSE ON THIS PLANET. I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE BUT WONDER IF ANY ONE WOULD EVEN NOTICE IF I AM GONE. I KNOW MY SON WOULD FOR I AM THE ONLY SOLID THING IN HIS LIFE AND HE IS THE REASON I HAVE KEPT ANY SANITY AT ALL. I HAVE NOT ATTEMPTED ANY PROGRAM NOR DO I TALK TO ANY ONE ABOUT WHAT MY SON AND I ARE GOING THRU. I SUPPOSE I THINK THERE IS ENOUGH PAIN IN THE WORLD SO WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT MINE. i KNOW I NOT GOING THRU THIS ALONE. I KEEP A SMILE ON MY FACE REGAURDLESS OF WHAT I AM GOING THRU AND IT SEEMS TO TRICK MOST PEOPLE INTO THINKING MY LIFE IS NORMAL AND HAPPY. I GUESS I WANT THEM TO THINK THAT SO I DONT FEEL LIKE THEY KNOW I AM DIFFERENT. I RELATE TO YOUR LONELY NIGHT IN THE CAR BY YOURSELF. I DO THAT ALL THE TIME ONLY MY A NEVER GOES ANYWHERE BUT TO HIS ROOM SO I GO INTO MY OWN LITTLE ROOM AND PRETEND THAT I AM HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE THAT ADORES ME. IT SEEMS TO MAKE ME FEEL HAPPIER. I AM A COLLEGE STUDENT SO I STUDY ALOT AND I PLAY THE PIANO AND THE GUITAR SO THAT OCCUPIES MY TIME TOO. I GUESS PEOPLE LIKE YOU AND ME JUST NEED TO FIND THINGS TO MAKE OURSELVES HAPPY AND NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT THE A IS DOING TO MAKE THEMSELVES MISERABLE AND WORTHLESS TO OTHERS AROUND THEM. PAWS
PAWS