The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I read this message board you all talk about the program. The way that I am feeling I don't want a program to make me feel better. I just want to be mad and stay mad. I haven't started any program and I don't want to. I read a message board that said, " I can't change him I can only change myself." Well I already knew I the fact that I cant' change him but one things for sure there will be no change in me unless I leave him.
There are a couple of ways to deal with having an A in your life. One is to change your attitude. Another is to change your address. Both are valid.
The non-valid choice is continuing to stay where you are, stewing in resentment, rage, and bitterness. The A will keep handing it out, but you do have the choice of no longer taking it.
Get mad, paws. Use that anger to make the changes in your life that will let you let go of that anger. It is like taking poision and wishing the other person dead. As far as your last post, if you don't want sex, not in the mood, don't feel well, whatever then stop doing it. You are making no one happy by giving in. All you are doing is adding to your list of resentments. And disrespecting yourself. If you say stop he should stop. He can throw a tantrum, get drunk, whatever that is his choice but when it comes to sex, that is a mutual decision. If you don't want it then it should not happen.
You can keep comming here and to f2f even if you are mad, even if it doesn't seem like something you want. I argued with much of what I heard in this program for a long time. I was so mad and I really thought these people and this program were just wrong. I did leave, I knew I could do it better all by myself. Took about a year before I crashed and I came running back to this program. The thing is I knew where I needed to be. That is when it all started to click. I heard what I needed to hear, I stopped fighting it and started to heal. I would encourage you to keep comming, keep posting, even arguing with what you hear. Your life, YOUR LIFE can get better.
I felt the same way you are feeling, Paws; for a long, long time. I thought I could handle it myself. After all, I reasoned, I am a strong woman, and I can handle anything!! But then the anger, resentment, bitterness, sadness, and disappointment became too much for me to bear alone. I turned to AlAnon out of a desperation to save my own sanity. And you know what? It worked! I have some disagreements with AlAnon here and there, but I know I need to be involved with this program. Oh I still have flashes of anger and all that goes with it, but they are few and far between, and I have learned how to get myself back on track.
As long as you really want to be mad at life, you can be that way. But if and when you get tired of being miserable, AlAnon can and will help you.
I wish you all good things in 2008.
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Of course if you prefer to feel the way you are feeling that's your choice. Others here will wish and pray for your sanity. I remember feeling and saying what you have just said with intensity and feeling sick all over. I had made up my mind to stay sick rather than get well. That's the insanity that they were talking about in the second step. It's all choice. I get the consequences of my choices...sane or insane.
There is a reason why you came here to vent (good vent I might add). Could it be that solutions are here rather than the problem and that you just might be a surrender away? When I stopped fighting, I started working the program. When I got busy the program started working in my life.
Been around for a while and still have the choice to get and stay crazy. I just keep coming back like instructed. I just sit down, listen, learn and practice, practice, practice. I've earned my smile.
Well, how's it working for you? How much better are you feeling with what you're doing in your life? Is it making you happy joyous free? Is your life changing? Whenever you're done being mad, we'll be here. In the mean time, be as mad as you want to be.
When you start very seriously contemplating the knife drawer in your kitchen really closely to end a life- either your own, or his, its time for some alternatives. This is what happened to me. When you are ready, al-anon is here. If your not, thats just fine. Take care, J.
PS: I dont want this damn program either. But I sure do need it.
Paws- Been there, done that....don't think it's wise to go back for me. When my A exBF left me (for the second time - 11 years ago), I washed my hands of this program. He was the A, he was gone, I had "graduated". No need for this work, this headache, this "program". That'll be his next poor girlfriend's problem. Right? Uh....no.
Ya see, the problem with that "logic" is that you're still the same person. You still have the same set of issues that brought you to your alcoholic (no, I don't think it's just bad luck that brings us to a dysfunctional relationship). When my A re-entered my life 18 months ago, he found the same woman with the same damn issues. Why did I let him re-enter my life? Because I was the same woman with the same damn issues. Yes, I have learned a lot through my 26 years of on-again, off-again Al-anon...but apparently not nearly enough.
The good news is that though you say you don't want a program, the program will always be here if you feel like you could use some support, understanding, strength....and yes.....HOPE. I know I did. And I know I'm forever grateful that this program welcomed me back with open arms.
I felt the same way, he's the one who needs to change not me. I have been the martyr keeping the family afloat, trying to keep the kids from the effects of his addictions. Giving in to the point where I lost myself. i was reasdy to leave then and there. where would it have taken me if i haven't dealt with my baggage? back with him after a few weeks - neither of us changing? gone only to find someone else just asd "exciting" I was filled with so much rage that i started to become physically il. Am I super happy and serene? No, but l don't wake up in a panic, have nightmares, or find myself short of breath simply driving down the road? Nope, I am feeling niormal again. I am beginning to understand AHs addiction. I am beginning to understand my faults and weaknesses. Some days are better than others, but regardless of whether i stay or leave i will feel better about me.
I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I know that feeling well. There are still days I just want to be bad and stay mad at him, the world, the TV, whatever. Once in a while I give into those self-indulgent feelings. And that's okay. But the one thing I have learned over the years (not just through this program) is that at some point I get tired of being miserable! So what happens next? I have to find ways not to be so miserable.
The other thing is I can't make him get sober. I can't make others work on their recovery. It's their choice. But I'll be if I'm going to die from their disease due to all the stress it can cause in my life. If my sister chooses to ignore the fact that her husband is an addict, then so be it. If she chooses to be miserable because she chooses not to work a program or even give it some thought, so be it. But I refuse to be around her when she's miserable or he's using. All I can do is change how I react because in the long run, it's beneficial to me. Recovery is about taking back your life, and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about taking no prisoners. It's about living strong. It's about not giving into this lousy disease. Because I'm not an addict, and I'm not going to let it win! I refuse to die for this disease. If my husband succumbs to this disease, I can't help it. I will be devistated, but I will find a way to go on. That's why I work my program.
Whether or not you choose to work any kind of recovery program, is your choice. But we will not judge you here. You will never be alone, and we love and support you no matter what. I hope you keep coming back. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Paws, I, too, can relate to your feelings of resentment.
I came to Al-Anon on my knees, hopeless in deep depression and despair. Just like you, I didn't like hearing that the program was all about changing ME either. However, there was one thing I was able to notice...the other program members had what I so desperately wanted. Happiness....joy....serenity.... It wasn't because their life was any easier than mine.
So, I kept showing up. I became willing. Yes, willing to CHANGE. I realized that my life wasn't going so great doing what I had been doing. I recognized that I HAD to do something different. I was utterly amazed how other's lives had paralleled my own...I was NOT ALONE! Eventually, I got a sponsor and began making 3-7 meetings a week....what an enormous difference my life is today, since that first day, only 15 months ago!
This "program" began with a desperate alcoholic who, after numerous attempts to stop drinking, finally decided that if a HP couldn't help him, nothing would. He turned to a power greater than himself....He then began meeting with others who had the same problem. Together, they formed a fellowship and began to heal from their despair... Miracles!!! That is how this beautiful, ingenious program came to be. Millions have benefitted ever since!
I encourage you to give the program a try....you are soooo worth it!
Gladlee Grateful Member of Al-Anon!!!
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
When I first started coming here, I felt the same as you. I'm not the one who needs the program, IT'S HIM!! I was so bitter from all the crap I had to put up with being married to an alcoholic. I just came here to try and find out how to make him stop.
I found that I can't make him stop, but I can change how I react to him when he does drink. I kept coming back, and then I went to a f2f meeting. My life is now the best it has been in 34 years of marriage, and this is because I decided to work the program for myself.
My AH is still drinking, he started New Years early today, but I am better and I owe it all to Al-Anon. THIS PROGRAM WORKS IF YOU WORK IT.
Keep coming back we are here for you.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
__________________
A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
if I'm going to die from their disease due to all the stress it can cause in my life. If my sister chooses to ignore the fact that her husband is an addict, then so be it. If she chooses to be miserable because she chooses not to work a program or even give it some thought, so be it. But I refuse to be around her when she's miserable or he's using. All I can do is change how I react because in the long run, it's beneficial to me. Recovery is about taking back your life, and living the life you so richly deserve. It's about taking no prisoners. It's about living strong. It's about not giving into this lousy disease. Because I'm not an addict, and I'm not going to let it win! I refuse to die for this disease. If my husband succumbs to this disease, I can't help it. I will be devistated, but I will find a way to go on. That's why I work my program. 
