The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am so tired of pretending! The sex is awful. it has passed it's glory days. I am too full of resentment for it ever to be good again. I lay there with my eyes rolled in the back of my head hoping it will all be over soon. Sometimes I feel I want to throw up from the terrible alcohol breath barreling up my nostrils. Then at least I can pretend to be with someone who is caring about my needs. Who am I kidding, the only time he stays somewhat sober is when he wants sex. Afterwards he drinks till he passes out. I have gotten to where I look forward to him passing out so I can do what I want to do. Sometimes I even intiate the sex so he will go to sleep sooner. Does that make me a terrible person. he becomes very very nasty and mean. There are even times he cant perform . I hate it. I have had terrible thought sof druging him just to put him to sleep. Is this normal? LIke I said I don't think I now what normal is anymore.
It's normal for someone that has no boundaries in that area. You can create them for yourself at any time. It's your body, your life, your decision. If he chooses to get nasty and mean because he doesn't get his way let him own those feelings and leave them with him. The only way someone can suck you in to their angriness is if you give up the power to be yourself and do what YOU want.
I've mentioned before a little trick I play in my head to keep myself calm. While a person is ranting or saying mean things I pretend they are in a museum or zoo and behind the glass. I'm just an observer watching the rant. I call it the "museum gaze" I know it's a headgame but it works for me.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Why do you allow yourself to be used this way Paws? Being abused in any way eats at our self respect, often with disastrous results. I am sorry you are having to deal with this terrible problem, and I hope you find the way to set firm boundaries.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Paws...stick around and learn. There is soooo much to learn here. Asking for help gets you help. You didn't ask for this one but it's free anyway. What was given to me regarding me learning how not to accept the unacceptable was; "No is a complete sentence." Magic. No. Follow through on it.
I too have experienced this particular problem. I've tried myraids of options for my benefit...even witholding sex. Just because the A has made their 'world' what they want, doesn't mean you are required to go along with their 'play.'
Set up your boundaries. But you have to face the true bottom line. This isn't about just sex. It is about the A and what they want...not what you want.
I have learned to set up a boundary for sex. My heart and body can be given freely. But that doesn't mean that freeness is allowed to be abused. It is hard not getting to feel like you are the most important or just as important as the drink. OUCH! That is such a knock down. But...you can place a boundary for sex, and that boundary is a step of recovery (in my experience). If I can have one thing in my life, that I have control over, then I will use it to my benefit. And to hell to the A that thinks that is mean or cruel.
It is cruel to not have power over your own body--in either choice (drinking or sex). Take control of your life...emotions...recovery...and sex!
--Just For Now
-- Edited by debilyn at 16:30, 2008-01-01
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Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead.
IMHO.... if you feel you need to submit to sex because of not dealing with someone being nasty to you, then that is sexual abuse. This is my opinion. It sounds like you are ignoring your own internal boundaries.
