The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
How I learned to word things differently, especially about myself when the psychiatrist I had the longest decided that from the next visit, I could not use the phrase, "I can't" but had to replace it with "I choose not to," or "I can't decide."
Whatever, I learned that if I keep saying "I can't," it reinforces my core belief system that I'm getting. "I can't," I learned over time, usually means that I have come to the bottom-line question, one of many, but they always go like this: "Do I honestly believe there is a chance for real change the way things are going?" The correct question gives the correct answer right away, which leaves us in the position of having to decide, which is what the fear really is about in me. If I decide, I have to accept the consequences, and accept that acute pain over a a relatively short time is better than the life-time of suffering doing it the same old way, and all the while, holding a hot coal of resentment in my hand, ready to fling it, and the question must be asked: who gets burned the worst?
Another word choice that I started working on was "he made me feel" - he didn't "make" me feel anything. I felt what I felt - my job was to see what those feelings were telling me, rather than to just blame someone else for all the bad ones. I'm not a puppet on a string, I have choices.
Another way to word "I can't" is "I don't know how to" - you may not be able to right now, but you can learn.
I remember one marriage counclior calling my A out on the fact that he would always say "when she got pregnant" I never thought to much of it but she finally said to him "you mean, when YOU got her pregnant". Here I was, thinking I was some sort of miracle because I mysteriously "got pregnant" when all along it was him shirking his part in the marriage. I have since learned that couples councling with an active addict is pointless. I believe he still thinks, to this day, 3 babies later, that I just "got pregnant". I wish!
I don't let my dancers say "I can't." I don't let my kids say "I can't" and I don't say it. I have said it and I meant it, that was exactly how I felt at that moment. But like all moments, it passed and I figured it out. Sometimes, I recognise that I can't decide at that moment. It's impossible, at that moment. But later it becomes clear.....
"he made me feel"...this is one I have an enormous amount of trouble with. Lin0606, if not for his actions or words I would not "feel", so I conclude that his actions or words have a little something to do with my feelings. We are all human; we have feelings. Sometimes we are hurt by another's words, sometimes angered, and sometimes elated. That is called relating to people, and I have never figured out how we get around that.
Happy new year!!!
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm real careful with the "I can'ts". They are very close to the "I'll never's" for me. I'm especially careful with those. My HP has a way of trying to "prove" to me that I CAN and I WILL. No, I try to steer clear of "I can't". I much prefer, "I don't want to, I prefer not to, I hope I never have to". Much softer - and doesn't seem to challenge "HP" as much. lol
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, Euoria. I like your perspective.
