The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A couple of weeks ago I was faced with the following questions:
What can you remember doing wrong because of fear?
Did you do anything illegal or immoral because of your timidity and fear?
Well, I have been contemplating these two questions and wrote down a number of situations I was in and the reactions I made whilst being frightened or fearing for my life.
After spending a number of days on one situation in particular I had to put my note book away and take a break...however I set my goal as the end of the year to fully address this situation with a view to beginning the long overdue healing from this awful event.
I should like to share this with you, as I still cannot get it straight in my head regarding the illegal and the immoral within this incident and I need to own those components and work with them in order to begin my healing process.
So, here goes: [big long slow deep breath] this is what I did wrong because of my fear
At the very end of my marriage, when I knew that I was in real danger of losing my life if I stayed in the situation that I had put up with for the last 18 years, I had to plan to leave the marital home. I had taken legal advice and my A's Surgeon Commander had delivered his shocking and disturbing assessment of the psycological state of my A towards me and it shook me to the core.
An earlier event meant that the children, [who were at boarding school] were due home and I therefore made plans to move as soon as possible so that I could resettle us all and find a school for them without causing too much unnecessary distress. Something happened, which is too difficult to go into at present, but my daughter would NOT come home, and she would not talk to me and she was scared that her daddy would kill himself if she did not stay with him.
As a result, my son and I packed up just enough things to give us a chance to resettle, i.e. they both would have a bed and I would have a sofa to sleep in, I took the microwave so we had something to cook on. I took clothes and books and some pots pans and crockery but not all. I took my personal effects and the children's personal effects but not all so that they had some there when they chose to visit.
The plan was we would pack up, and then go to where my daughter was, with her daddy, so that we could talk with her, tell her what was happening and bring her with us if she would come but tell her that she could come later if she wanted to stay with her daddy at that time.
Due to neighbourly interference and interference from HM forces personnel, this did NOT happen. Instead, just as we were locking up out of the blue we were confronted with a raging AH and a screaming daughter. It was chaos. She threw herself across the bonnet of the van and would not move, she would not listen but was kicking the van, screaming abuse and yelling at her brother to get out of the van and that I had no right to take her brother and the dog and I could go to hell.
The scene haunts me to this day. I have to get this out and address it once and for all. I cannot stop now, it has been down there inside of me for the last 18 years...and, I feel, is the root cause for my daughter's appalling attitude towards me to this day.
The morning air was filled with anger, agression, hate, screaming, hopelessness, pain, sorrow, shouting, fear, confusion, heartbreak and desperation and bullying.
Eventurally, with my 13 year old son in tears and his unshakeable stance that he was coming with me, we left my dog behind. That was a killer for my son, who was so close to my dog but he said he would part with the dog for his sister's sake. [The children had chosen the dog as company for me when they went away to boarding school so that I would not be lonely, saying he would protect me for they were afraid of not being with me and me being alone with their father - I cringe as I write this, what a horrible realisation.] He pleaded that she come with us but she blamed me for her father's drinking and his attempted suicides [the emotional blackmail that he had used on me for all those years he had begun with her in just a few short days - I was staggered and disbelieving that he could do that. I should not have been surprised].
Neighbours wrote false papers for the courts and I was cited as a child abuser and running a 'red light house' [which, at the time the officer of the court had to explain to me I was so naive], and therefore unfit for custody. The childwelfare officer met me twice and told me that he did NOT believe this evidence. As it happened neither did the judge. Nevertheless that is another thing that haunts me too.
My son and I got to the halfway house that night and the next morning I made my way back south to the court and to see my daughter with the welfare officer. She refused to see me.
I planned the move behind closed curtains, just me and my son packed up the few things we took. A team of friends came to load everything early the next morning as I had anticipated an ugly scene if my A got wind of it. I thought I had done well, and made good provision, but I did not reckon on the informants that lived nearby who did NOT think about the devastating effects of their actions upon my daughter, who they knew was estranged and with her father at that time, by informing my A and this has been a source of utter distress all these years.
My fear of my A caused me to act clandestinely. What a mess, and what utter distruction.
I need to work out what I did that was illegal, or immoral and own it. I need to work out what part I played in the distruction of my relationship with my daughter. She was 15 at the time. To this day I feel that she will NEVER EVER take me back or accept that I loved her and even then was trying my best to do the right thing with the rotten cards that I had been dealt.
I need to forgive myself for being afraid of my A. I need to forgive myself for hurting my daughter so badly, and accept that I can never make it up or pay the price of my fearful action plan.
Still, I cannot see what, if anything is illegal or immoral. I did not plan to hurt anyone, I did not want to be underhand or secret; it was a case of necessity which was proved in the A's response. Five minutes longer and we would have been gone, on the way to see my daughter and she may not have felt that I was abandoning her.
I am so ashamed that all this happened, for the things I could not protect my children from, for the awful things they witnessed and knew about and where afraid of.
Thank you for letting me get this down. Thank you for the safety of your love and care. Thank you for your non-judgemental attitudes. Thank you for taking me in when I needed a family.
Heartbroken.
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
HB, what a horrible horrible scene. God, I cannot fathom the amount of pain you must have felt in order to do what you did but it certainly seems like to me that it took GREAT COURAGE to do what you did. I believe that you felt compelled to do what you did because you felt very much in danger and afraid for your childrens health and well-being as well as your own. No one would do such things if they did not feel deeply threatened some how and you certainly must have.
Some fear is completely healthy. When we feel afraid for our lives, fear for our personal safety and the safety of our children, it is important to listen to that fear and act on it.
I know that I had to, once. I had to flee with next to nothing and it was the most horrifying experience of my entire life. The man that I thought would never hurt me was getting more and more verbally abusive and it was beginning to frighten me as I saw it inching closer to physical abuse with each new confrontation. I knew that if he tried to physically hurt me I would defend myself and possibly hurt him. I saw that it was possible that we would hurt each other physically, maybe even kill each other. It was so devastating; to this day, it haunts me, too. I went to my sisters and then to a shelter.
How could I, a woman without a single violent bone in my body reach that point? How could this man reach that point? How did everything go so terribly wrong so fast?
For me, the answer had to do with the disease of alcoholism that I (I cannot speak for him) had been affected by and was in total denial of.
All I can tell you is that you need to hold that terrified woman (yourself in your past) and LOVE HER. SHE DID THE VERY BEST SHE COULD WITH THE INFORMATION AND SKILLS SHE HAD AT THE TIME. No, she was not perfect and she made a bunch of mistakes but please be gentle and loving towards this poor battered soul. Hold her and tell her its Ok and that its water under the bridge. We cannot go back- lord knows I would love to erase so many things I said and did but we cannot do that- all we can do is forgive ourselves and know we did the best we could. We can grieve our losses and send them off to our HP. We can forgive ourselves and love ourselves- let it begin with ME.
I know no cyber hug can touch you but I wanted you to know that I understand the haunting and the devastation of events such as this. It is difficult to really explain or understand, its very visual and it can be terrifying even to this very day, I know it is for me.
Your children also have HP's of their own and you can visualize wrapping them up in beautiful soft blankets of love along with yourself during that horrible event as you replay it over and over in your mind. Sending the lot of you off to your HP's. The family disease of alcoholism profoundly affects all of us and the only ones who can take away the insanity are our HP's. I pray for you to find peace and forgiveness for yourself first and foremost. You did the best you could, HB, and that is all any one of us can do. hugs and love, J.
hi dear, Your post was so "heavy hearted." I am proud of you for sharing it.
Am I understanding that you are doing your best to put it all in a perspective that you can face then let it go?
Is it somehow going to help you to heal from it?
I see you did the best you knew how in a very complicated situation. Anytime our kids are involved we are on protect mode.
It must really be bothering you since it was so long ago.
Hey I want to tell you, I don't care how good a mom or dad you are, at some point your kids are going to come up with something that was so horrible about their childhood.
I am not saying your situation was really no big deal.What I am saying is, parents can get the same kind of reaction from their kids and they did nothing off the norm!
What good is it to dredge it all back up again?
My daughter was mad at me for years. She finally said,"well one thing, you never too pictures of me."
OH brother. Is said,"for petes sake raini, you were a teenager and always turned your face and/or got mad at me if I took one!
Hey many times their memories have NOTHING to do with the truth.
I had to tell my kids that I had growing up to do too. I was a widow and very emotional. But never did drugs or anything, my kids were first.
I am sure you have grown and changed since then.
My daughter is getting to know me all over again. She sees I am no longer running on emotion and am very mellow.
You were by no means the only piece in the puzzle either.
To me what I would invite you to do is forgive yourself.Everyone has done things they are sorry for.
I made a choice I should not have many years ago. It bothered me so much. But when I started really working on my spirituality, I asked for forgiveness. I mean pouring out my shame and crying, the whole thing.
Since then if it comes up in my head, I remember I have been forgiven. so I let it go. If I started feeling guilty about it again, it would be as if I did not believe in forgiveness.So I really believe I have been.
To be honest in what you have shared I don't know what you feel bad about.
I have known so many women who stayed. Some are dead, some are ruined.
One such woman was my mil. I wish she would have had the courage to leave.
Their family situation and up to now is something nighmares are made from.
I still do not blame her.
Don't know if I have said anything at all. OR if I am totally off from what you are sharing.
Suffice it to say, when kids are teens,it is their job to hate us..
Thank you Jean, it was very hard because no-one from either my family or his family would help and support me and the children and the last thing I wanted to do was break the family up any more than it was necessary. I was told that the A could not come back home if I was there, so I left but could not leave without the children. I had been the stable parent, and brought the children up almost single handed because of the A's absence and his service duties abroad and around different parts of the world. I was the one constant in their lives.
I am confronting this one whilst working my step four so that I can move forward. I am hoping that I will be able to continue to change me for a healthier model to give me a better quality of life from now on.
Debilyn, it is the perspective that I need and you are right I do need to somehow get this addressed and laid to rest for the purpose of healing.
My daughter has cried for help year after year; I have run to her each time she has called me, and then she batters me and displays such hatred and anger and is aggressive and abusive and physically over-powering that it takes me all my time to not sink into a quivering heap.
During the last 18 years I have been afraid of her and she knows it because she has attacked me, smashed the home up, and put me in hospital, she is a big girl and I am only small. In between times she loves me but from a distance. She is one mixed up 'kid' still screaming out for her father's love and he treats her so bad. But me, no matter what she does I love her and I do what I can for her, and she lashes out at me. So many people think I should do nothing for her, that as she has cut me out of her life and her children's life, but I cannot she is my baby girl and I love her and if she asks me to go to her I will. So I need to change me so that she does not destroy me.
I have to really understand my part and change my reactiions and STOP the cycle of distruction, however I can only do this for ME. If it changes something in our sick-relationship then ever better, but that will only happen if both of us change ourselves and it is not for me to try to change her. Lead by example, I will change me, and if that is a good example then who knows what might happen.
However, I am striving to change ME and I have to do this NOW, for the time has come to do it, now that I have support, I have tools, and I have 'family' to hold me and encourage me and point out where my thinking might be right and where it may be wrong.
Thank you seem so inadequate but I say it from my heart. HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
it sounds to me like this is the core action you're talking about:
"My fear of my A caused me to act clandestinely." Is acting clandestinely illegal? No. Is it immoral? well - no, and perhaps. Did you have to lie to your children to protect the secret? That might be a part to make amends for, if it even happened. On the other hand, I am reminded of wartime Germany, where children were routinely lied to so they wouldn't accidentally divulge the dangerous information that there were Jews hidden in the basement. Here, the lie was to protect a greater truth, and I don't doubt those involved would do it again. Perhaps in later years they said something like "I'm so sorry I had to lie to you to protect the Rosweiners".
It sounds to me as though your poor daughter is just drowning in fury, and has been for 18 years. Did you CAUSE that? Well... no, and maybe. It's true you left her daddy and broke her family. It's also true that the REASON you did that was you felt that the results would be even worse if you didn't - AND YOU COULD BE RIGHT. Nobody knows what "might have happened". And it's also true that you have certainly not caused her to hold onto the fury all this time - that one's on her.
I am confused by the disconnect between her prior realization that you were in danger in the household, and the subsequent violent struggle to save the same household. As you say, she had been hearing his spin for several days, so maybe she became a victim of that oh-so-reasonable manipulation.... and if she senses this, it could be part of why she is so resistant to your oh-so-reasonable explanations today - she doesn't want to fall into the same trap, and also, she now has so much vested in you being the bad guy, it can only be getting harder and harder for her to consider any other possibility.
I don't know if this might help, but one idea you might consider is to write her a letter. Tell her all the stuff you told us. Be as honest about your own feelings - confused as they are - as you possibly can. Then mail the letter TO YOUR OWN HOUSE. She might never read it, or she might read it after you're gone (an event which shifts attitudes big time) and the letter is found, or if a miracle happens and she can hear you again and you decide to give it to her - but YOU will have expressed your own feelings and inner conflict and love. And then, if you can, write another letter, to yourself, as it would be if she had indeed received and read and understood your letter to her. This isn't about what she "really" thinks or feels or any of that - it's about processing your own feelings so you can, as you said, move forward, and not be stuck in this quicksand.
And while you're at it - write a letter to your son too. I know you have a better relationship with him, and may have had some of these conversations with him, but there's nothing like having a tangible piece of paper you can re-read.
I want you to know that your willingness to share about this is helping me to.... not understand... but at least entertain an alternate understanding... of why my own mother did what she did when *I* was that age. I was 12, not 15, when it all started... and I have sometimes thought that I should have DONE SOMETHING!!!!... but now I see that if I HAD done the equivalent of throw myself across the van.... I might perhaps only have been setting myself up for years and years of even worse hurt than what I actually experienced. Thank you.
