The material presented
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some of you may remember from my first post here that my bf kicked me and my son out of his home when he was drunk. I've been living on my own now for over a month and I hate it! I thought I would love it, being away from the drama that happens when he drinks. The feeling I used to get when I came home from work and found him drunk. I dont miss those feelings at all. I made the mistake (I know now) of keeping our communication open and visiting him on the weekends and even making love to him. Such a big mistake! Im very angry at him for making me feel as if this is all my fault and his drinking has nothing to do with it. He says he never knows what he is going to get with me. Im that way because I never know what he is going to be. He made me that way. Tonight after I came home from a weekend with him (I know, big mistake) we were talking on the computer and he got mad at me because I didn't mention anything about spending new years with him. After I came to his house after work and discovered he had a beer on Saturday, I decided this had to stop! He had no intentions of quitting. He mentioned AA to me (like all of you mentioned they do that to get to you) but he is not doing anything to improve himself. so the rest of the weekend I was quiet and sad, I wanted to go home. I beleive he knew that. so when he got mad at me because I didn't mention New Years it was an opening to me. He was right! subcontiously I didn't want to spend it with him. It FINALLY came out. He said that he noticed I make a face every time he has a beer. I FINALLY screamed out. YES, I DID MAKE A FACE AND I WILL KEEP MAKING FACES EVERY TIME YOU PUT A BEER TO YOUR LIPS. He hung up on me! I want this to stop! I cant take this anymore! but yet, I know a week from now i will be missing him terribly! I am soo lonely already. I know I have to let go. I know him, he will NEVER get the help he truly needs and i cant deal with this. Thanks for listening.
Hi Wen, I am also a newbie here but I have learned a lot by attending the meetings that are held at this site. He won't get help until he reaches his own rock bottom. You need to pray that his higher power leads him in the direction of getting the help he needs. Alcoholism is a disease. We didn't cause it, we can't cure it and we can't control it. You will be able to finally let go, when and only when, you have reached YOUR rock bottom ( really tired of how you are treated and realizing YOU deserve a better life). You are in my prayers, keep coming back and keep posting :) nutmegger
WEN - This is the all-too-familiar dance of life with an active alcholic. One I've danced, and danced, and danced. You've just written my story. He drinks, you become this unhappy, moody, "other" person, he gets agitated because he "never knows what he's going to get with you", and you're left there feeling like "if he just didn't drink, then everything would be fine." I, too, understand ALL TOO WELL that attachment to the A. The contact, the visiting, the "lets pretend like everything's fine so I don't have to give you up". I've heard it said here that the alcoholic wants his alcohol, and we want the alcoholic. That was/is certainly true in my case.
Here's what I'm learning, though. You didn't cause his alcoholism, YOU CAN'T CONTROL IT, and you're not going to cure it. Alcoholics drink. That's what they do. You can't love that away from them. No behavior you can show them will change them. (Believe me, I've tried 'em all!) They will drink until they decide they want it to change, that their life has become so unmanageable that it's time to get help.
In the meantime, you've got to take care of you. I find the stronger I get (which is a minute by minute thing some days), that the less I want to clutch at my A. I've learned that he didn't "make me" feel anything. I'm responsible for my own feelings. He sure knew where my buttons were - but I'm responsible for choosing to stay around someone who's behavior is unacceptable to me. All I can do is change me. As I've heard it said here many times, quit going to the hardware store to find bread. You'll ALWAYS be disappointed. If you keep showing up at this guy's door expecting him to just magically be different this time, you will be disappointed. You've got to find a way to make your life okay - whether you decide to stay with this man or not. And in my case, he finally had enough of MY behavior to move on. (how's that for a slap in the face, eh?)
This program has been a lifeline for me. People here have been through those feelings you describe. There is life at the other end of it. Please keep coming back.
Thankyou for responding and giving me the experiences youve had. Right now I am feeling very lonely. Scared in fact. I hate being on my own. I only moved to this place 9 years ago because of him. Everything here reminds me of him. I know its a process and that I need to go through this period of adjustment to make myself better but in my heart I hurt so terribly. I know part of my adjustment is to face the facts all of you have described. I know I have to work on me now and only me. I will probably be coming here ALOT, instead of going to my email waiting from something from HIM. I truly beleive in my heart we are over now, but can I deal with it?
I don't even remember how many times over 13 years I left and went back. Everytime I left, I learned something. I gained a little more strength, a little more confidence, a little more knowledge. It took every single one of those times to get me to a place where I was actually ready to be done. Only I knew when I was done. Other people would have walked long before I did. I do not regret any of it. It happened exactly the way it was supposed to. When you are really done, you will know. Not that it will be easy or you won't still be sad and upset, devestated. I was. But I was sure. I knew it was over. And it was. So,just keep comming, I spent entire days here, reading and posting. I went to a f2f everyday for almost 2 years. This program gave me comfort and strength. You are worth it.
I like what Seren said about how other people would have walked long before she did. I endured the looks and whispers of friends and family who were certain that I'd lost it. That the part of me that tells you when "enough's enough" must have been missing. I thought no-one on earth would EVER understand this pull. This need to be with this man. Absolute need. Can't-make-it-a-day-without-him need. Actually after round 2 with this man 11 years ago, I KNEW I COULD make it without this man (he had drained me emotionally and monetarily), but I didn't like the prospect of facing this world without him - who was still my very best friend. This most recent round with him (round 3) at least wasn't done face to face. These days he is living about as far away as he can be from here. Yet still we communicated daily and I fell right back under his "spell". Didn't take any time at all. I loved (love) this man. I LIKE this man. But when he cooled it with me (after his most recent slip), it was far easier than last time (which is about as close to death as I think I can go without actually being buried). I'm grateful that it's easier this time. The physical closeness wasn't possible - which I know helped tremendously.
Wen - I know it's not an easy prospect - the thought of walking away from someone you love. And like I wrote before - whether you decide to do it or not - the main thing is to put YOU first. Realize where your "buttons" are and don't let him get the best of you. I also found it helpful to know that I can love someone without being with them. That was new information for me.
I cant thankyou all enough. These words you gave me are so meaningful to me. sometimes it feels as if you are the only one going through this, like you are alone in the world. Its good to know I have friends here that are going through the same thing I am. The"buttons" are the issue Round 3. he really knows how to get me, good and bad ones. Bad ones to get me mad and the good ones to get me back to him. Tonight I am alone. He has told me he has already made plans. (button) I almost caved last night when he said that. I said ,"do you want me to come over?" and he said no, I have plans. I said ,"then you go do what you need to do". Then he got mad. I guess because I didnt' cave to him like I usually do he got upset. I fully expected an email or message on my phone tonight. But I didnt. I dont know if Im sad or glad. I guess a little of both. Sad because I want him to care enough about me to stop all of this and come running to me. Mad because he is going off somewhere. I just keep taking deep breaths and telling myself, I can do it and coming here helps too. Thankyou to you all!
