The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH was a dream husband yesterday - did the laundry, took care of the kids, picked up the house, sent me out for an hour to go write. We even went to Church together. It's all just enough for me to keep hanging on waiting for this man (whom he really wants to be) to take residency. It is all so inconsistent, yet it is not. 2 days before he drank too much, contributed nothing but carbon dioxide. On his next day off, I can expect it again. I am so sick of this disease. I get these glimpses once every a few weeks. But it never stays. This has become our family disease, waiting around for superdad, superhusband putting up with all the other gunk in between. Awareness has become a godsend. Just for today I will soak in the joy that my two girls bring, enjoy the bright sunshine that we have, and thank God for my health and the many gifts he has given me.
Yes, this can be part of the crazy-making for me. I grab on so hard to those good moments like water in a desert! That is the problem and I do not do it so much anymore but its still a struggle. I am now better able to monitor myself in the moment thanks to this program. This small bit of distancing is good for me to have in the good times and the bad- it evens them both out so that serenity can stay rooted in place which is what I want in my life- stability. hugs, J.
It makes you wonder what the agenda is doesn't it? Are they being "husband for a day" for themselves, to justify to themselves that they are good and kind or are they manipulating and tossing you a crumb to hang on to so you'll keep hoping? All we can ever do is enjoy the good days.
For me, to live with an alcoholic took a total mind shift and a rearrangement of how I thought. It was the not knowing that drove me nuts, the not conforming to what I considered "normal". It was like trying to fit a square peg in to a circle and I drove myself nuts trying.
Most people can pretty much predict how things will roll along in a relationship if you are with someone that had similar morals and beliefs. With an alcoholic all the rules change. There are no "normal" rules so you have to recreate everything you thought you knew. The thinking has to be arranged to forgive, to protect yourself, to not acknowledge or react to some pretty blatant actions. It's definately a hard road that gets us to what we can consider "serenity". It's a process beyond anything that I could have previously imagined.
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I think it's the inconsistency that creates obsession - at least for me. I KNOW and have experienced first hand the kindness, decency, sweetness and caring nature of my A when he is sober (which could be a year at a stretch). Good man. My very best friend. Then out of left field (at least in my mind), the demon grabs him and I find him drunk. Then the drama of "looking for him" begins for me. I know he's in there - why won't he come out? Why did he abandon me? How can I fix it so that he never "leaves me" again? It's one hell of a rollercoaster ride. It's frightening and lonely. At least this last time around in my relationship with my A, I told myself from day one....."Enjoy the good days." I realize that's all any of us can do anyway, but my tendency had always been to EXPECT good days, and feel miserable and get clingy when the bad days (inevitably) came.
So just like you said, there is a real consistency to the inconsistency - as depressing as that it - at least we're at a point in our recovery where we realize this.
With an alcoholic you can consistently expect inconsistency.
I learned that "until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired" did anything change in my life and because I made the changes for me, after examining my motives, did my life begin to change for the better.
Keep coming and posting, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I can relate to your post only too well. Today I came home from work the dishes were done the house was all clean, and for the first time in since Christmas, my AH was actually awake and SOBER!!
I told him that I could get used to this real easy "Hint Hint". But I'm not going to hold my breath if you get my drift.
I have come to enjoy days like today, because I never know what tomorrow may bring. I am so grateful for my program, because I could never cope with this otherwise. I can only change me, I can't change him.
Happy New Year to you and your family!!
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
