The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Looking back over this past year, I can say that I have been humbled. I have stuck my feet in my mouth more times than I can count. I have realized things are not always what they seem, and no amount of wishing can make it so.
I have been thinking about how here on this board we all feel so connected. We are a family. We have discovered that we are not alone in our craziness and pain, and that we are human. We give eachother comfort and hope. That said, even with as much as we have shared, we only know a tiny bit of each others' lives. We can never really know the true love we each found in the a that is causing us so much pain because, frankly, it is not thier positive attributes that brought us here.
This ramble is spurred on, I think, because in my alone time this week, I am trying hard to really figure out how I should proceed with my life. I try to figure it out from sharing and reading, but know that that we all have different circumstances, hurdles and blessings. The decisions I make will be truly life altering., not only to me, but to my children. I am trying to figure out if I really am trying to protect just my kids or if it is way more than that - I am just selfish, trying to protect my pride, my way of life, and hang on to what I thought always should be but never really was. I don't want to be a divorced, single mom!
I have a very good friend, a recovering vicodin addict and alcoholic who was having an affair with a married friend. Her family has recovered beautifully over the past 3 yrs, but it was not smooth getting there. Her husband kicked her out with only a tank of gas and no other money source and told her not to come back til she went to rehab. She almost died in the process, but got there. No one else would take her in. Her husband told everyone (except thier young kids) about her addictions and affair. She had to come home and face everyone. She was deeply humiliated. It was made very clear to her that if she didn't stay clean she would not have a family. Period. To this day, she claims that is what keeps her clean and she respects her husband tremendously.
The purpose behind that story is that I feel pressure from her to follow the same path in terms of "outing" my unfaithful ah. She says it is what is "right", and if I do what is "right", God will do the rest. She is adament that I should tell my kids the truth (ages 10 &14). Her situation was different in that her husband supported her and held all the cards. In my case, it is my husband and his reputation in this small town that support me, and although I will be significantly changing that in a couple of weeks with an increase in work hours, I have a lot to lose.
His affair continues to be intolerable to me and I feel like I've been a doormat and an accomplice for the past year in that I have kept relatively quiet about it. I guess I have been wanting it to end naturally; for just because I stir up sh** doesn't mean the emotional aspect will end. At the same time, the kids have remained in their home and though emotionally rocky, their lives have been relatively stable. Most importantly, I was waiting for some true sobriety, so that I could deal with someone that wasn't raging and would be a bit more reasonable. Of course, I have also silently and unrealistically hoped it would bring him back to me.
It has been 2 solid mos of 10 meetings a wk (7 being AA) and I am seeing a difference in him. He is being closely monitored, and even when his 90 in 90 is over, his recovery program will continue for at least the next 5 yrs. He is kinder, calmer, more peaceful, and learning of his responsibilites and malady of spirit, but he is still having an affair. I don't know if I can wait anymore.
So, I have been struggling with what to do next. My "current" plan is to let my ah decompress for a few days upon return from vacation (3 kids in a hotel room at the snow for 5 days) and then pray for the words to talk to him. Essentially, I want to tell him that it is time to move forward with a divorce since he is showing no signs of wanting to reconcile or give up his affair. Is this Letting Go and Letting God? or is this forcing a solution? What is my motive? I just don't know. All I know is I am tired and heart-sick and it pains me to realize that no matter what direction I go, the pain will continue on for a while more.
If you've been reading this long, I thank you. I just had to get my thoughts down, and with your e, s and h, I hope they may become clearer to me.
Blessings, Lou
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
These words came to my head while reading your post, "...the courage to change the things that I can." Additonally I recognized that I needed to learn how to "clean my side of the street" and deal with those things I was responsible for that contirbuted to my soul sickness and "enabling" was at the top of the list. I am responsible for my own peace of mind and serenity. Today I don't deal with "unacceptable" behavior and I don't trounce my value system like I did before coming here. The fellowship gave me permission not to and taught me how to. I do what I was taught for the reasons I was taught it.
"JUST FOR TODAY I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. (that last one does not mean that if you continue to give the alcoholic an out, the alcoholic will relieve you of the pain.)
What a lovely thoughtful post. So full of courage in just sharing. I'm curious ...no I'm not curious, I know how much kids really do realize what's going on. I wonder, no I don't wonder I really already know...how it would break your heart that you give them reason to believe this is acceptable behavior to carry over in their own marriages. I'm hoping, no I'm not hoping I'm praying you give all of this over to your HP who will guide your heart and mind in the right direction.
Thank you for sharing. Sounds like this little break has allowed you great solace in spirit and thoughtfulness in mind. We are the kids example in life, aren't we?
Finally having to face that I virtually had no boundaries in my life, that my alcoholic ex-husband's numerous affairs were acceptable, and now seeing what my oldest daughter took away from being raised around that were/still are so very painful to me.
My oldest not only is an active A now, but her choices of men over the past 15 years have demonstrated to me that she indeed lives now what she lived for so many of her years growing up.
What also hurts me a great deal is even though I haven't so much as dated in 8 years (when I finally got honest with self and decided I was going to work through my codependency issues and NOT subject my youngest daughter to such an poor example), now my youngest makes poor choices in relationships.
She was 11 when I finally pulled my head out of my butt, but what they live/see becomes very deeply ingrained in them over the years.
I think one of the hardest parts in recovery is seeing things play out with others as they have played out in my life, and yet knowing I can't change what anyone else is doing. I can only share my personal experiences.
My sick love for the A in my life, and then a procession of very unhealthy relationships in my life after I divorced him affected both of my daughters profoundly :(
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
You're doing great ((((lou)))). You are sticking around and the miracles are happening! Only you can decide what is right for you and your family. I know from my experience how truly awful the end of my marriage was. And it was bad. I grieved, I still grieve. I was scared and still am. I made awsome excuses as to why I couldn't leave him despite the affairs and addictions. I finally concluded that I was staying for the kids. Not me, not even love, for the kids. SO they could have an intact family. He was a good dad.......The night he didn't show to pick our daughter up from dance and I saw the expression on her face, that was the day I knew it was time to go. Not because I wanted to, not because of the addictions, but because I finally saw what it was doing to our kids. I lived in complete denile of what the disease was doing to my kids. I had every line down pat whenever anyone looked at me funny when I would say "Yes, he's an addict but he's going to AA religiously. He's working a program. He's been sober for 3 months (6 months, 12 months)" I see the damage done in the lives of my kids. HP showed me that night that I couldn't wait any longer for him to be what I thought he wanted to be, what I wanted him to be. And so, with my heart in my throat and doubts comming out of my ears, I left, I filed for divorce and I started living on my 240 dollar a week paycheck with no other support.
The kids are going to grow up and see their entire childhood from the view of being adults. What will their questions be and how will you answer them? My parents stayed married, hated each other eventually, never spoke after I was 13. My dad moved out when I was 8. They divorced when I was 19. My dad lived his life, my mother just became bitter and angry. My question, even as a kid, was why? They sure as heck weren't staying married for my sake as it was a marriage on paper only. Gosh, I just ramble on and on when it comes to your posts. LOL! Take what you like and then delete! I'm sorry. I'll shut up now. I just want to let you know that whatever you decide, you can do it. And you can be happy. Sometimes completly letting go and setting them free gives them the oppurtunity to come back....with respect and love.
Gosh Loupi, I can so relate. Thank God I could not have children!! It would have been so horrible for them to witness the way we spoke to each other and treated each other. I, too, have this question: do I stay or do I go? I feel that I will be just fine either way and that the choice really is mine. Not god's, but my free will. I get to choose and either way I will be OK. I have been away from my A for almost 2 years now. I will be going back and I will see what I find there, what he is like, what I feel like in his presence, etc. I honestly have no idea. For me its pretty physical. Do I feel Ok in his presence or do I feel like crap in his presence? For me, my body provides a lot of information. Like, when I am working a job I hate my body actually refuses to go through the doors of the place anymore. Thank god for this because my brain can be fooled so easily! I know you will make the right choice when the time is right for you. I also was raised by parents who hated each other and I honestly think I would have turned out better if at least one of them was happy or at least peaceful. One parent needs to feel good and role model a healthy self esteem. I know they did the best that they could but my dad died of cancer at 62 (all he could do on his death bed was profusely apologize to my sister and I for leaving us alone to deal with our mother- he ran interference his whole life to the best of his ability) and my mom will never die because she is so feisty and mean. I wish to god that they would have divorced and at least found some kind of peace some how. What a relief that would have been. Kids know and are aware of WAY more than most adults think, I can tell you that from working with kids for many years. Put yourself first: what do you want? Either way you are going to be JUST FINE and god will see you through either way, too. Hugs, J.
What a great post and complex too. You have leaped forward with all the extra time to think of yourself. I can see how much you care for your A, how much better he is doing right now, and the pain this affair would cause anyone wearing your shoes. When you wrote that no matter what you did, the pain will continue for a while longer.......... it reminded me of something you wrote long ago that I put on your white board with my thanks. Here it is for you now: "when I look at the hell of the past and compare it to the possibilities of the future it puts it all in perspective." Hang in there!
Kids, divorce, staying marriad, separation are all such tough ones. Letting go and letting God on things like this always reminds me to wait until there is a time when I have a calm,serene feeling that this is the direction HP wants me to proceed. When I am not sure and settled or when something during the process awakens me to other possibilities, I wait if that is an option/choice until things happen that bring me peace to move forward. Sometimes others make the choice that affects us so then I try to move forward as best I can.
After mental health episodes with kids we ended up in family therapy where my AH was told to listen. We spent about three sessions with lots of things layed on the table from kids and me some too with no response. The therapist asked me separately, does he ever respond - usually not or quickly won't listen but reminded the guy he had told AH to just listen. Next appt AH was to confirm appt, he didn't but the kids & I didn't know this so neither AH or therapist showed up. The kids were furious, ready to quit therapy as nothing came of it, no reaction, no action, not important etc etc. I had had enough and had enough seeing my kids dissappointed, hurt, distraught but when I announced that we will be better off on our own, a new level of distraught entered the scene, tears, fear and loss of hope.
Later I called to inform the therapist of what had happened and he talked to me about statistics. Percentages of couples that remain marriad after separation, how you can not work on inprovements, corrections etc. as well when you are not living together. Long story short, we continued the family therapy with some serious changes to address the issues and take actions. It has been a loooonnnng road since then and the alcoholism got worse so that I now know it is one root of the dysfunctions that we are addressing more now. Next family session is 1-2-08 after a year and the main topic is why does history keep repeating itself for kids, what is the common issue and alcoholism will be discussed. Anxiety is a big factor for the kids & me too and I have no idea about AH as he is so private.
This was my experience and I don't know if there is anything of use for you but take what you want & leave the rest. blessings and hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
