The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You know I just went through a little bout of thinking that somehow I could make my AH happy!!
I seem to recall that there was a time a really long time ago when it seemed that I did. But that was an illusion, albeit a very tantalizing one because it was one hell of a year. He said I made him happy. He said I made him feel good. I believed what he said. He looked and acted happy. That was for around one year many years ago. That was it. Came and GONE.
It made me feel very powerful, now didn't it?! I could make this person HAPPY!!!
I know this was a total illusion. It was a fantasy and a momentary fleeting dream. It was not reality although it felt real at the time. Now I can see that for him, the role of the wife is to stand there and "take it" (the real him) and stay in place so he can be nice to everyone else on the outside all the time. So he can continue projecting the illusion to all the wonderful strangers and peripheral friends in his life (of which there are legion) of what a great guy he is. If only I had remained his friend and not became his wife!! I might have enjoyed the other side a little, the part I fell in love with that I never get to experience any more.
This makes it really clear that its not personal. Anyone in my position would be dealt this hand of cards. it doesn't matter a single bit who that woman is, his "wife". She could be anyone. Its completely impersonal. I am beginning to think its the perfect job for whoever is dumb enough to take the position.
Yet it hurts. I wanted to have some intimacy and some personal involvement with the person I married and I thought I would, that this was just a tough transition (the whole time we have been married has been one tough transition, let me tell you!!). I thought it would have something to do with sharing some things and maybe having a little fun once in awhile or at least some kindness and tenderness. But that is not what a wife is for in his mind/world, that is what his friends are for. I still struggle to accept this some days.
It is possible that it may turn out to be unacceptable to me. I am not there yet but its possible. Thank you for listening. J.
Oh my gosh Jean, are you living my life, it seems you were writing about me. Yes it is hard to live this way, but possible. Set boundaries and stick to them. Thanks for writing this.
Jean - how I can relate. I never married my A (and most days I'm happy about that), but I certainly understand how you can go from "making someone happy" (which IS powerful and quite a rush), to being about as interesting to them as watching TV (an analogy that I made to my A a few weeks ago - that stirred irritation from him). And don't alcoholics refer to it as "chasing the ghost" when they're trying to get back that original good feeling (from alcohol)? Well......... I realize I've been "chasing the ghost" when it came to trying to "make him" appreciate me. When I take a step back, I realize how degrading that is.
Jean, I can tell from your posts that you're LIGHT YEARS ahead of me in recovery, so it's interesting for me to read from you, "It is possible that it may turn out to be unacceptable to me. I am not there yet but it is possible." That statement validates my struggle with this in some way. And today that stuggle has literally been minute to minute. I'm trying like crazy to pull myself up out of the well that I inadvertently must have fallen into these past couple of days. I know it's the well, because it's oh so familiar! Some days I'm tempted to decorate the well, and bring a pillow, because....what the hell.....as long as I'm spending so much time is this damn well, I ought to just get comfortable!! lol NOT!!! Seriously, though, your posts are always a source of inspiration -and this one was no different. It's inspiring to see someone who's obviously been where I am, who's doing everything in her power to change herself for the better, and at least from here it looks like your good days are outnumbering the bad ones. Gives me hope that there's a light at the end of this tunnel! Thanks!
I relate to this very much. The A moved mountains for his friends. I used to be desperately jealous of all that. My frustration took over my entire life. I was bitterly bitterly disappointed that he did not "give" to me. The issue for me was neither did I. I looked to him so much to give to me I stopped giving to me. Now I am apart from the A I do not look to him anything. That has taken years and years for me to get to. I had a million jealous fits, a million rages, seeped myself in resentment for years. The "splitting" you talk about having a life that looks good on the outside and is awful at home is what my A wanted on some level. He could be on some level emotionally honest with me, let his dark side show at home and be this "angel" outside. He still does that. He hangs on his mother's every word and believes fervently one day she will be "there" for him. He's almost 50 and he hasn't experienced it yet. He blamed me all the time for any problems in their relaitonship. I've been out of the picture with him for months now and I am so grateful I do not have to deal with someone whose whole life revolves around him and his needs and who discounted and discounted and minimized my needs.
I really internalized his abandonment, his lack of intimacy and more. I am not sure I really know what it is to be intimate in a romantic relationship. I've generally gravitated towards very very dysfunctional men. I do know I can have mutuallity these days and I strive for that but its early days.
There is a life after the grief and recrimination and its worth holding out for. I can assure you that there is more than survival after the loss of a love.
I had a good response going, then lost it. I hate that. Here I go again...
Before I realized (ok when I was in denial) that my husband was an alcoholic and a drug addict, I totally took to heart that I was the problem. I was counseled for hours by friends and family, went to therapy, read self-help books, watched relationship videos, heck, I even bought new undies, all to no avail.
When I doubt that I have grown in the program I look back and realize yes, I have changed. I now clearly see, that although I had a big part in our marriage dysfunction, it wasn't all me. Not by a long shot.
I look at other happy marriages and I see that the wife doesn't always tell her spouse he is right, she says "no" sometimes, she may sometimes get controlling, and every single interaction does not turn negative. If the husband doesn't like something, he says so. He doesn't take every interaction as a personal attack and deal with it with substance abuse. He is responsible for his own happiness.
I can now see that it was the inablility of my spouse to cope and handle life on life's terms, and not that I was just a horrible wife. It was NOT MY FAULT. Now, this does not mean I don't wish I could have done some things differently, because I do, but it releases me from the tremendous guilt I was carrying.
Just recently I have realized that I may not even know what real intimacy and love is. I was with my ah since I was 18, and I really don't know what we had. Nothing to compare it to. All I know is that something seemed missing. Was it him, me, the dynamics of us?
All this to say, Jean, that I understand you completely. It was hard being married to someone who presents himself completely different to the rest of the world. My ah was the most awesome president of a service organization. When I think back now of all he respresented and claimed to be, well, it is almost funny. Actually, my personal opinion is that one of the things he is having such a hard time with is that who he wants to be is so different than who he has become. He must feel like a fraud.
I pray that you can figure out what is acceptable to you. The miracle can still happen.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Wow! Listening to your words was amazing for me. It was as though you were speaking from my . I have often wondered what I am doing in my life here with this A. He has no feelings for me other then sex, the need for me to cook his food and clean his clothing and oh yeah take care of the kids and in the midst of that I am to work to help pay his bills and mine. But as for feelings of any kind hell no not here. He has none and I used to take it personally until Al-anon taught me to look listen and think and now I have noticed he has no feelings for himself so how can he offer me any. Does this make it right for me and our kids? Hell no but it makes it less personal. less for me to blame me for being inadiquate.I am perfect the way I am and I can give me all I need and what I can not my kids give me.And that is OK.:) I am learning slowly to take care of me. I do more of what I want within reason. and I feel awesome about that. I feel freed on some level whenever I do for me. Even if it is taking the kids and myself to a craft store or NY city. It is for us/me not tinking what the AH will think. I have come to the conlcusion that although it is sad he will never be able to feel the joy I do with our kids and with life his loss is not mine and not mine to fix. I am trying to live my life for me and that is all I can do. Yes it totally sadens me at times but i think his higher power has put him in this situation for a reason and who am I do try to take the lesson he must learn from him. and my lesson also. I have learned to depend on me and to know I CAN DO IT. and for that i thank his HP and mine for putting me in the spot to learn this.
I learn so much each day from this wonderful program and yes I am progress not perfection and that too is ok as long as I try and work it for me.
Happy New Year my dear friend and know the next year if you are working it can only get better for YOU!
still think I can affect this disease , NO but it can sure affect YOU . If your not already going to f2f meetings please find one ,, do it for you . Louise
For all of us who identified with your post we should make it our goal to give this disease and it's crap and it's responses (my AHsober would say I couldn't do it without you) back to the A's and find happiness for ourselves. And to know that it wasn't us but the disease. And that the disease uses us for a punching bag.
