The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well I walked into my first al-anon meeting room last night. Actually - I should say it was the first time I have been in an al-anon room in 11 years. Wow. I've been in a lot of those rooms in my lifetime - even used to chair meetings, etc. But it's been 11 years since I've been there last. And there they were, the 12 steps hanging on the wall, the 12 traditions hanging on the wall, Al-Anon sayings hanging on the wall, LITERATURE, and the people. Wow. It was all still there. We read the 12 steps in unison. I fought back tears. I realize how desperately I need them. I honestly thought (and was so happy) that I was "done" with having to work a program, when my A fiance and I split up 11 years ago. Just washed my hands of the struggle and walked away from the program. That was easy. Done. Then surprise surprise, that A and I re-united 18 months ago, and I was EXACTLY where I left off 11 years ago. EXACTLY. Still wringing my hands, still clutching at him, still taking his inventory. I know he saw it, too. He saw the same woman he saw before. The same woman who completely unraveled before his (drunken) eyes 11 years ago. So when he slipped this time, I was first on his list of things that needed to go. Small wonder. So maybe he's working his program now. Maybe not. Or if history shows me anything........he's working enough of a program to get by for awhile. (Notice I'm still taking his inventory....)
That f2f meeting last night reminded me HOW much I need to work on myself. They spoke of looking at our part in every situation. And how we always have a part in the problem. I mentioned that I'm just not there yet.......because I really believe that I don't have a part in some of the crap that happens in my life. (I know....I know....I can hear the laughter and see the eyes rolling!) So I'm seriously at step one.
I'm still stuggling with that 30 year "anniversary" coming up in a couple of days. Still struggling with just wanting to talk to him. Still struggling with detaching myself. I'm so appreciative of all of the words of wisdom that you all have sent me. I find that those moments when I can't do it alone, my HP sends me someone with just the right words to get me through. It's been such a gift to realize that I'm not alone.
Just feeling grateful this morning for this program.
I am so happy for you!! It is amazing, isn't it--that feeling of being known and understood by people that you've never even met before?? It is so freeing and empowering to know that we are not alone. Keep coming back!!
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Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
