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Wow! What does the Good Lord In His infinite Wisdom want us to learn from these trying times????
Today , my brother showed up at the hospital to see my mom. Today, me and my sister went about 1:30pm and she was laying there asleep. She awoke and drank some apple juice and hurt. We got the nurse to give her pain medicine to stop the hurt. We stayed while they changed her IV line to another vein, while it hurt. She told us the doctor came in and said NO SURGERY. She can't have it. So they'll try to disolve with meds. Her PCP told her to count my sister as her hero for taking her to the hospital, which she told the nurse , she does count her as her hero, because she does a lot for her, but I just do some when I have enough energy. And brother sometimes shows up to help. Nurse asked who's the one who made the most trouble, she immediately pointed to me. While ,last nite she was angry that sister insisted she go to the hospital. (What are we supposed to learn from the anger and then the hero talk???) How to be insistant and how to let anger and hurtful words roll over us, how to guard our hearts from hurtful words? How to protect our Mother from herself? From waiting till it is so hurtful that it's about to burst, before we insist she go to the hospital? I'm probably not making much sense am I? We went over last nite to check on her. My sister insisted she go to the hospital. MOm was angry that she was to go to the hospital,now sees she needed to. So now sis is a hero. I didn't go with them to the hospital, because I have very low energy while trying out new meds for HBP. Does that make me the bad daughter?Oh how I wish I knew what to do to make the pain of being put through the ringer go away for us all! If someone would just whisper in my ear, "you're supposed to learn this lesson......." okay? QTIP QTIP QTIP QTIP QTIP QTIP QTIP QTIP QTIP I'm trying so hard to QTIP-Quit Taking It Personally..............but, it's coming from my MOM! Yes ,.... I know I'm almost 50 yrs old... but I feel like a little 5yr old girl who wants to be the ONE,..... cherished, beloved,hugged, kissed, held, cuddled, given soft loving words whispered in her ears as she's rocked...... ..........NOT........the one..... the one who looks like him....... and can't help it.......the mistake.......the accident......................please.........
I wish I could give you a real hug. So sorry you are going through this.
My grandmother used to favor my aunt over my mom and I even though it was me who took her into my home, because of my moms poor health and my mom who cared for her when she was feeling well enough to just to give me a break. My grandma lived to be 98, and my mom passed away 3 years after grandma died (my mom was only 68). Till the day she died, grandma kept on believing that eventually my aunt would take her into her home. To top it all off, my aunt is still living, shes now 85.
I sometimes don't understand why things happen the way they do.
I will pray for you and your family
Love and Blessings,
Claudia (aka Claud)
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
For what its worth my A mom has constantly played my sister and I off of each other. Good cop, bad cop. One day I am the good daughter and the next day I am the horrible daughter while my sis becomes the angel. It is constant. She used to play us off really well- we used to buy into it, too. Then we stuck our heads together and realized what was going on. Now we do not buy it and we both have a very limited time with her. We also laugh at her constantly, sometimes even in her presence. J.
I can so relate as my parents are also in their 80's and my father passed away 2+ years ago. I am the youngest and about 10 years younger than the other siblings so I have less life experiences and last to be asked to help or not needed etc. I use to be the peacemaker and then at least the comic relief. I grew to just trying to be myself and it took a long time for others to stop telling me what to do. Often felt left out or directed/commanded or like the useless child especially during medical crisis. Also as a mom, I know my kids help me in different ways connected to their personality and as a daughter, I was not as useful or depended on by parents as the others. The others are counted on more and seem more important - when ill or frightened, no one can think about anything but themselves - how to get well, who will help them go home, etc. It is so very hard so this is where accepting who I am and what I bring to the family is so important. Then I am not so hard on all the negative things I tend to feel or focus on.
You were there and that may be all your mom will or needs to remember. You honor her now with your presence and care and really try to let go of the hurtful words and negatives. Maybe there isn't a lesson to learn, maybe it is just knowing you have done what you wanted to do right now and what you thought would help & honor your mom. She talks of the past and we are learning in al anon to just glance back, don't stay there. One day at a time with the gift of being present for right now, not the past or the future.
Also, I don't believe our hp makes mistakes or accidents. You are special!! You and your family are in my prayers. hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
You know deep in your heart what a good, kind, loving, caring and gentle person you are. You have taught me so much. You have a gift. You share it with others. Joni needs to celebrate Joni and all that is good in her life. You can't change your Mom. I wish you could. But you can stop beating yourself up. HBP is nothing to blow off. I remember trying to find the right meds. It takes time. You did what you had to, in order to take care of yourself. Mom will get over it. If she doesn't that's her choice. I know it's hard to see her sick. But you don't need to get sick on top of it. Concentrate on you. Turn her over to her HP. Much love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
OH I LOVE THE PEOPLE ON THIS BOARD WHO GIVE THE LOVE, Thank you all for responding and listening, and relating , while I wonder and whine! Just when I think I'm drowning in my own black hole, all of you turn on the flashlite and find my hand and fish me out! Claudia, Jean, ddub, and Karilynn & of course Pipers Kitty, thank ya'll for prayers and hugs and loving words. There are still good people in this world!
I too am the youngest, 7yrs behind my brother, 10yrs behind my sister. Mom used to give me the "Why can't you be more like your sister" routine. Now she does play us off one to another , tells each of us different things, so we DO routinely compare notes. Most of the time, even my psychiatrist tells me to limit my time with her when she's doing well, because she's toxic to my emotions and self esteem. My brother mostly stays away from her too, because he just can't take the put-downs she gives men. He and I look like our A father, and she just can't separate that we're NOT him,(and he's been dead since '91). Like I told her once, in "normal" loving families the fact the children look like the "loved one" is celebrated by the spouse, but in dysfunctional A families , it's as if they are looking into the A spouses face to some of them and they can't separate that the children are special people unto themselves apart from the A. She wasn't too happy with my observation and especially wasn't happy that I was involved with al-anon. My A dad tried AA but didn't progress with stopping the drinking, he killed himself with alcohol poisioning by himself out in California at the age of 64.
When I need someone, ya'll are there for me, and I thank you for it so very much! My children are too sometimes but they don't understand the dynamics of Aism dsyfunction in a family like ya'll do (thank the Good Lord!) they just get angry at my family and why they do me the way they do.
I just wanted to throw another hug at you. I can't add much more then what has been said. Only that sometimes when people say things they have know idea what an adverse affect it can have. How can they? They aren't you.
You are a kind and unique individual. There are only 2 beings that REALLY matter. That is yourself and your HP. Don't allow what others think to change who you are. Accept for me.... cuz I think you're awesome :) :) :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Joni, I just came to this post, a day later, and I'm sorry for being so slow. All I know is IT'S HARD TO BE A DAUGHTER! Especially when moms use the comparison thing, or when they say something that to them might be silly, but to you it may really hurt and make you wonder.
Remember, you are you, and that's what matters. The wonderful sweet kind Joni!
I spent too many years trying to make my dad love me as much as he did my sister. There were 5 of us in all and all he ever told us was the he only wanted "one child" and that "my sister was his favorite."
He was a man with a very, very bad disease. He was sick physically and emotionally and yet lived a very long time. I think I was about 22 years old when I realized that I was rowing upstream and became totally exhausted with my dad and so I let go. I let my HP take me where I needed to be. I began loving myself as I knew my HP did.
My sister on the other hand spent the rest of my dad's life trying to get "into his good graces" if you will. She went to visit him in another state and spent all of her vacations "trying to please him" and "trying to get him to love her." Well even the day he died, she was the only 1 of his 5 children there and yet even then, he still had wished his favorite was there. My heart broke for my sister but it was a valuable lesson to me that I had not spent years trying to get the acceptance of someone else who will not or cannot accept me.
Try acceptance MyJoni, acceptance for who you are, acceptance for the fact that some people are affected by this disease whether they drink or not, acceptance for that fact that our HP loves you the most of all in this world, acceptance for the fact that we love you just for who you are.
Love ya, YourMaria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Boy, this disease is so widespread... I so related to your story and to the others' stories. I too have been trying to get my dad to love me. His A wife (though she is sober, I don't think she is in recovery now) does all she can to make me know that my dad does nothing for me or for my kids. It's a very difficult thing to accept -- trying to love someone, doing what you can to make sure you love them "right", and getting nothing but disapointment and hurt in return.
I don't know how to let go.... so I have to pray for the grace to let go. I am at the point of realizing that I have to be carried through this letting go process. I can't do it, my HP has to help me.
I know that there is nothing that I have done wrong. I know I am a wonderful, sweet, thoughtful, caring person. For some reason, my dad either doesn't know it or won't/can't accept me. To my husband, my children, my close friends and the folks I work with, I am someone special. I am all those things to those people and they let me know it!
There's some prayer that often comes through email; you've probably gotten it at least once. It starts off something like "Know that God has you exactly where you are meant to be..." I believe that. I am learning that I am in a relationship with certain people and have an effect or some impact, or some important function in their lives... and, not so much in other lives. In those special relationships, I know who I am -- I feel and give all my special gifts and talents. I really feel I am my true self -- I don't feel like the timid and hurt child, the child with low self-esteem, the child cowering down crying inside. That's not me!!! That's not who I really am!!! That's not who my HP means for me to be!
So, when toxic thoughts about my dad and his wife come up that make me obsess, I say "STOP!" and I try to distract myself so I think about other things. I pray for them... remembering that they are sick and I am not so much anymore. I don't go out of my way to do for those who don't acknowledge or appreciate my help, talents, etc. and I pray for the grace to love them as my true self -- as I would love any other person -- being kind, polite, thoughtful -- but without going all out trying to make them realize how much I love them... I do what I want to do because I love them, not because I want to make them love me or because it's what I think I should do. I am learning to give whatever I do give freely -- no expectations, no hopes of some huge revelation that they now really love me.
They are who they are and for some reason, I am not meant to be important or have some meaningful, loving relationship with them. Other people are, but not me. I guess I get hung up on the fact that he is my father and in my opinion, a daughter should be close to her dad. There is that SH- word again!
It is what it is and I now realize I can't change him or her. I have wasted so much precious energy and time trying to make it what I want it to be only to make myself feel crazy, hurt, depressed, and ultimately suicidal. (You know what my dad said when I told him I felt suicidal about my relationship w/ him and had sought counseling last year? "oh." -- isn't that telling? Doesn't that scream that he doesn't care? Why would I try to make someone like that love me???!!! Believe me, after that, I got it. And I let go of him.)
It's hard, it's really, really hard. As I said, I'm learning... and the thing I need to do is just accept them for who they are, not expecting anything in return. I do what I want to do for them. I do what I can do for them and that's it.
I hope this helps you some... it's just my experience... I hope it offers you some hope and some strength. sending you warm thoughts and prayers for peace, Lee Ann
spent the rest of my dad's life trying to get "into his good graces" if you will. She went to visit him in another state and spent all of her vacations "trying to please him" and "trying to get him to love her." Well even the day he died, she was the only 1 of his 5 children there and yet even then, he still had wished his favorite was there. My heart broke for my sister but it was a valuable lesson to me that I had not spent years trying to get the acceptance of someone else who will not or cannot accept me.