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I'm sure compared to many of your past events and horrible occurences, this might not be a big thing, but I need advice. My mother is an alcoholic, she has been my whole life. I am a happily married adult with two beautiful children. Several times, she has destroyed key moments in my life. Today is my birthday. Last night she was babysitting my 5 year old and 4 month old so my husband and I could go out to dinner. After being clean for 6 months, she found the hidden alcohol that I hide (in my own house) and proceeded to drink. She doesn't live with us, but spent the night to babysit. I am worried that in the future her drinking could result in accidential injury to my children. My five year old adores her. What do I do? How do I cut her out. My father is such an enabler. After each incident, they act as if nothing happened. I want to forgive and show compassion for her and the disease. Please if you have experience with this, please help. She truly ruined my birthday. Thanks for your time.
Welcome and Happy Birthday!! I am so sorry your mom ruined your day. Alcoholism is a disease, not a choice. I am sure her intention was not to set out to ruin your day.
Alcoholics do what alcoholics do, they drink. You don't have to remove your children from your Mom's life however in order to protect them, I would not have her babysit them anymore. Alcoholism breeds denial and lies. Alcoholics cannot be trusted.
With those boundaries in place, you can have your Mom spend time in your presence but not alone. You will feel much better.
Keep coming and keep posting, yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Maria, Thank you for your kind words and advice. I have protected her for so many years. Now it's time for me to focus on my healing. I guess I just want her to hurt as much as she hurts me.
I am so sorry your birthday was ruined. Keep comming back. Can you get to a f2f? The info I have gathered over the years here and in f2f has been invaluble. I will strongly agree that no matter what, do not ever leave your kids alone with her again. I am living thru the death of my best friend's daughter, she was 4. Losing a child is the worst possible thing that can happen in this life. The thought that it can't happen to you.....or that she's your mom, drunk or sober, just doesn't cut it. Even if she is sober as in not having had a drink in a while doesn't mean her brain is functioning properly. Alcohol damages the brain, somtimes beyond repair. Take no chances with your children. Preventable tragedies will never be forgotten.
My mother is not an A but has all the ism's. Because of the way she has treated me in the past I have detatched from her almost completly. I no longer call her, when I do speak to her it is only about my kids and if she gets off topic I hang up. This disease has killed my family. I am rebuilding from nothing and my family is now who I choose it to be. Healthy people. Alanon people. Much love and happy birthday....
spagirl, I have an a mom who does not drink but she is not in recovery. She is full full full of the disease regardless of whether she drinks or not, so- its not so much the alcohol as the disease that is the problem. I love my mom very much but have a very limited involvement with her as seren has also done with her mom from what she wrote. I speak with my mom on the phone for around 15 mins every saturday. That is it. I send her cards and notes and if I can afford it, small gifts. I expect nothing from her and never place myself into any kind of situation where I would need to rely on her for anything whatsoever. I have been in this kind of relationship with her for many years. She is 80 now and its been for the best for both of us. We keep a healthy distance from each other and love each other very much in this state of distance. We have learned to respect each other. Its really very good and we have been able to have some very good honest conversations. But give her a tiny bit of an inch and she will still take many many miles.
I know what it feels like to want to punish her for all the difficulties she has caused you. My mom was the center of the world when I was a kid growing up- no one got the attention like she did. I did not have a child hood at all, no one held me or loved or comforted me. I stayed in my crib for days on end sometimes, unattended. When I was a little older, she sent me outdoors all the time, sometimes for days also. She never wanted to lay a hand on me much less take a single bit of interest in anything I did. As an adult she takes more interest but its still got to be all about her and her suffering and problems and perspectives and what she has to say which everyone around her must listen to and agree with. Everyone must take her into careful consideration and be considerate of her and her feelings (which are monumental). She is the center of the universe. If you do not play by these rules of hers, you are "bad" or "mean".
She has a horrible disease and she always will. Either she will be in recovery some day or she won't or she will slip in and out between recovery and relapse which is very common. Do not trust her, do not believe in what she says, steer clear of her, make her smaller and smaller in your life. Shrink her down into a small manageable corner where she can do no more damage.
It does not matter if your kids think she is the best thing in the world. If you believe that they are unsafe in her care do not leave them in her care for a single minute. You are the adult with the proper adult judgement, not the kids.
Your father is doing the best he can. Maybe you and he might want to consider attending some face to face al anon meetings together. Good luck and sorry about your birthday. My AH ruined mine this year until I realized that I allowed him to do so. J.
It is indeed possible to love her and have her in their lives, while still taking care of them (and yourself, too!) The alanon tools are your biggest help here - they will help you learn how to set boundaries, and enforce them.
Expecting her not to drink is just setting everybody up for failure. Accept that this is what she is, and that you care for her anyway. Then you can be realistic about what you can and cannot expect from her.
I'd also like to caution against the temptation to think that everything would always have gone perfectly if not for this messy and unreliable person. It's so easy, when there is an alcoholic in our lives, to blame everything on them. If we are honest, though, we have to admit that this is not really so.
Wishful thinking is a luxury that those of us who love an alcoholic cannot afford - looking directly at what we really have, and facing it squarely, is our only hope.
Thank you all for your very sage advice. I really appreciate it all and will take it all to heart. I wish you all a very blessed New Year with many happy memories to come.
The A I was with ruined many a day for me. Having him in my life was incredibly diffcult. Over lots of time in this room and using detachment I have started to be able to observe and detach. Detachment did not come easily for me. I feel much much less "set up" in life. I have had many many lonely times.
I know for me there was also a fair share of grieving that the A and various other people in my life could not be "there" for me. I less and less gave into the kinds of people you describe like the people around this A who minimize and make excuses for her. I more and more am aware of my needs and what I am able to do and what I am capable of. I regularly absolutely regularly set myself up before to be devastated and betrayed. And in fact I felt betrayal was a very big part of my life. That is changing for me now.
Please keep working this program it does help. For me its taken 3 years to see a real shift. I did not see much in the first year. Now I love and cherish this place so much. I do not "need" it in the way I once did but I need it to keep me straight and honest about where I am and what I am dealing with.
Setting boundaries has helped us. M-in-law does not watch the kids alone. She is not allowed to drive them anywhere. But when she is in town we do let her see the kids. She is less likely to be drunk earlier in the day, so we meet for lunch. We have met at her house as well, also early in the day versus the evening.
