The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The A in my life is my ex, we were married 22 yrs. I just came in from hosp. My sons found him collapsed on garage floor on Christmas Eve. He is in end stage liver disease.
I'm also a nurse. I don't think he is going to get out of this one. My sons are hurting so bad, this brings back all sorts of fellings. He was my young love and is the father of my sons. I had hoped for so much for him, and he is dying way way too young! Such a waste..............what kind of legacy can my sons pull from this as well? I'm angry, just angry. Not at anyone in particular.
I've seen "miracles" happen before, and if he gets out of this one, it will be just that.
How do I help my sons? Can you tell them how much their Dad loved them without seeming untruthful? ie would they think what I use to.....IF he loved me, he would have quit.
Ouch it always hurts. There are miracles and what makes those best is when we cooperate with them. I pray your alcoholic cooperates. HP always does HP's part. That is and was never the problem. The problem is when we don't do ours. Get some Al-Anon and AA family together and don't go thru it alone.
Best thing I think to share with your sons is what you have learned in program and from the literature and such. Expose them to what has helped you and then let go of the outcome...HP is in the outcome.
Keep coming back...you are not alone. ((((hugs))))
Introduce your sons to what you have learned in this program - that it has nothing to do with love. We don't say, "If he loved me he would not have blue eyes." Or even,"If he loved me he would not have high blood pressure" surely as much or more a matter of choice as alcholism.
I urge you, if at all possible, not to speak for the A to the children, but let him speak himself. If he is still capable of speeech, and if they can get to him, this is important. What I have said to my children is "He always loved you as much as he was able to".
Thanks, and I would LOVE to visit the chat room. Have tried for months and cannot get in since son redid my laptop. Any ideas? I have also tried to come in through MIRC and can't get in that way either. I miss it here! And No, I was not banned. It's a tech problem and I am not technical.
Many blessings to you. I'm sorry for your loss. I feel that Jerry F. has a wonderful answer to your question... share with them what you've learned in Al-Anon. Show them that alcoholism is a family disease, usually passed down through the generations. Show them that it is progressive and fatal, as their father slowly and painfully dies. Show them that there is hope. Their are places we can go and others we can talk to to gain understanding of our own involvement.
I have noticed that people who are in pain, such as your children, usually make a decision. When the pain gets great enough, they either choose to find the roots and truths of the pain, or they medicate. Medicating can be more than just drinking or drugging, can be as simple as repressing the thoughts or getting busy so as to not feel the feelings.
The best gift I've ever been given was to have people to talk to that were emotionally available. I found them in my Al-Anon family group.
Your ex probably did love you and his children. He probably loved all of you "the best he knew how". You detached and divorced because that wasn't good enough for you. Alcoholism is such a scary disease because the sober family members often lose site of themselves. Just like you needed to move away from the craziness/chaos, your children probably did, too. Again, being emotionally available and talking about the truth is usually the best medicine.
Take what you like, and leave the rest. Much love, CJ
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
It's so hard to deal with something like this. I think you can safely tell your sons (although depending on their age, they may have a hard time believing it) that their father loved them. Unfortunately, his disease didn't allow him to love anything but the bottle. (Please remind them, that none of this was their fault or yours.) Deep down inside thier father's heart was the love for his children, and I suspect you too. Miracles do happen. I have to believe that. I hope he does pull out of this and this will be the last time he does this. It's hard to watch someone you care about just fade away. I will say an extra prayer for you and your family tonight. Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
