The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what it is. Well I know what it is.......but I thought I was getting a handle on it......yet here I am feeling really weak and lonely. The holidays are done (whew), but I've got this other hurdle that's been in my subconcious for some time now. This New Year's Eve will mark the 30th anniversary of "us" (my A and I). We're not together now, but we've been on and off this past 30 years. I hate that I think about that anniversary. It just bugs me to no end to have to remember some of the (good) things that I remember. Because it clouds my reality. Part of me really wants to contact him and just "connect" (albeit L-O-N-G distance) just to talk about the years. I won't do it because 1. I promised myself that I wouldn't do it; 2. I don't want to appear needy to him; 3. I don't want to appear needy to myself; 4. Nothing good (i.e. permanently good) would come of it; 5. It just wouldn't be good for me. There's just a big hole in my heart, though, where he used to reside. I had a long chat with a good friend last night and I ended up in tears - telling her that I grieve for the life I wish I would have had with him; and I grieve for the dream I had, which was for us to end up together in this life. There's just so much grief happening right now for me. It's all bubbling up. I just ordered "Getting Them Sober, Vol. 4". I CAN'T WAIT till it comes in. I read some exerpts from it online, and it's the first time I've ever seen or heard my life described with such crystal clear clarity. It's me. It's ME!!!! For the first time in all of these years, I'm not feeling like I'm completely crazy and alone in this thinking. What a gift. It's changed me to have this knowledge. But with this knowledge, I'm having to shed some of the thoughts and feelings I've held close to me all these years. I'm having to let go of my "comfort zone" and that's so terrifying for me. Ya know......all I ever wanted was him - and for us to live happily ever after. It just makes me sad, sad, sad when I realize that because of this damn disease, that dream will NEVER come true for me. And what's so scary is the unknown - and what will have to replace the dream that I've always known. I feel old and incapable of change. Tired. Weak. Not sure I'm up for new challenges - even if they're good things. I think I need to get some rest and pray that tomorrow looks a little less ominous. Thanks for reading.
Yep, all that grief of that woman (me) standing there with all those dreams and hopes and such strong positive feelings. All that positive energy, all of what it really seemed like it was goiing to be and then NEVER EVER was. So much sadness. just sad sad sad, just like you said.
Nothing a gal can do but cry a little. I have to roll with it or else I will stuff it. I just wanted to say to you: I know what you mean. It wrings me out like a wet wash cloth and I am so tired and weak, too. Thank you for your post (through the tears). Hugs, J.
Round3 it seems that everyone is on my page this holiday season. My AHsober moved out 2 years ago after 30 years of marriage. Christmas Eve was our 34 anniversary. Haven't seen any divorce papers. In my Pollyanna view life was just great - why did he leave? All my hopes and dreams of raising a family, time to ourselves when our kids left, retirement, freedom, old age together. NOT going to happen according to him. That is the disease. I am sad, I cry, I get angry at him and I tell him so. I can't control it, cure it and I didn't cause it but I choose to live with it. When I have the urge to call him (that weak moment) I really try to meditate and hear my HP giving me guidance. Sometimes I just do it and say I am in my disease. I try not to dwell on my decisions. Then maybe the next time and I am stronger and don't call.
Omigod. I pulled out some books to read tonight. One is Getting Them Sober 4 !!!! They bring me comfort, solace and understanding of what I am up against. I could really relate to p 54 & p 55. I have so been there with my AHsober.
Holy cow. I was thinking the same thing tonight. I have Jan 19th as an anniversary. But my thing is, I spent my life thus far fantasizing about the rest of our lives together. Raising the kids, watching our grandkids, traveling, having a home. Now, I can't even think of a fantasy. I can't see the future. I can't even imagine the future. All I know for certain about the future is my ex will not be a part of it. I pray that HP sends someone into my life because I do believe that the girls need a father and I know I want someone to share my life with. But I can't control that either. Time to start the next chapter of my life. Even after everything that has happened, I still miss the man he was, the man who wanted the same things from life that I did. That man is gone. But I am still here and I still have 3 kids to raise. Life is good and will get even better. We are NOT weak, we are human. And we love and we hurt and we keep going because it is what we do. Love to y'all...
hi honey, oh I relate to you so well. i sure don't have answers. I keep feeling that maybe I am confused, like i don't know where I am going or what to do.
My goals and hopes have changed.I do know what ya mean, I called it that I wanted to be mrs.Bumble and be bumbling around with my mr. bumble.
You sound sad, but yet i am glad you chose not to contact him. I want to do that too. but I get that going to a hardware store to get bread thing...some one on here reminded me of that.
I want to meet someone.
You are hurting dear, open wound still. I feel you are too hard on yourself.weak? hey you are getting up in the morn aren't cha?
I am happy when i do my dishes.
keep putting one foot in front of the other. do nice things for you.
Mainly wanted to let ya know I read your wonderful share. thank you. love,debilyn
You know, you are NOT alone, done the Christmas thing and now we have to look forward to the New Year thing...beginning a new year, with all that hits one as the old one fades away and the new one looms before us.
Cry...I just broke the dam and flooded the world I think. So with you. Just when I thought I had been so strong and serene, the serenity disappears.
Be kind to yourself, as others have told me to be. You are human and long to be loved and cherished and I think that that seems to apply to so many in this family. Anniversaries are soooo distressing if we let them be and boy do I let mine mess me up.
However, I say to myself, keep on trying to get by one moment at a time and try not to look back [at least not too often or for too long} and let this family cherish and love me as I them.
with my love, HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
Geeez I thought that this was just a gal thing until I remember weeping deeply yesterday over the sense of loss this disease has in my life and family and the lives of the members who come here to talk and listen and support each other. I was grief struck and grateful at the same time.
And I remember wanting the white picket fence and kids and grandkids and pets all over the place and the alcoholic all happy and fixed and cooking up one of her great Mexican dinners and us doing the dishes together and smiling and stuff and the check book being found down at the liquor store and finding her in the hospital after being missing for three days and the cops and wondering where we would put all the other guys she would bring back home when she drank and remembered where home was and POP!! Reality set it and then acceptance and then detachment and then self love and practice practice practice until I got it better. OMG! I remembererd I married an alcoholic and didn't check out before hand what might become of my dream with an alcoholic playing the part of my "better half." Last time I knew she was sober and alive and I supposed happy. Last second ago I looked and by God so was I and happy for real.
Learned to stop doing the shoulda, coulda, wouldas and looking back over my shoulder to see if she was still on the horizon. Working this program I found lots of reasons for her, an alcoholic, not to be having me in her dream. I am sure she saw good times and just as sure she revisited nightmares. I know she loved me when it ended and I know she knew I loved her also and we both knew that sometimes...nay many times we should do a better job of knowing and accepting ourselves and the people we capture before trying to own em for life.
Here is another Al-Anon, CAL recent publication thats getting raves; OPENING OUR HEARTS - TRANSFORMING OUR LOSSES. Just a suggestion.
What also helped me tremendously in letting go was becoming aware of having a God and trying to make another (any other) person a god.
Gift slogan for the Holidays from Jerry F., This too will pass.
I felt weak a great deal of the time. The A could pull me in with lots of stuff. I used to care far far more about the fantasy that I thought I had with him than admit to the reality that Jerry spoke about so eleoquently. I have had anniversaries with the A. Every single holiday I had with him was awful, plain awful. He always deserted me. Back when I drank I'd get champagne for new years he never went out of his way to make it special. I was always always always last on his list. I know now the dogs were last on his list too but he did a "james brown" on what they meant to him for years. These days I look for actions rather than thoughts. If someone promises me something and they don't deliver I dont' got back and beg them to do otherwise. I did that for years and years and years with the A. I learned to let go. I will have anniversaries of being in these rooms. In time I'll have anniversaries of a new life I'm bulding wherever that takes me.
