The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
the isolation, the aloneness has got to me and I feel drained and empty.
It all seems so unnatural to me and I feel that I want to shout at the top of my voice...
"HEY YOU LOT ", [meaning those members of my maternal and paternal family and my grown up children], "I am alive and I need you to at least acknowledge that fact. I NEED TO KNOW that you LOVE ME or at the very least THINK OF ME from time to time."
Sorry, just needed to get that out of my system. So glad I have you my very special family, to talk too.
I will be ok in a little while, I just needed to let some of my heartache out 'cos I felt I was going to burst if I did not.
Boy o boy I am angry and I do NOT LIKE IT. Not much progress here on the "letting go..."; just been caught again going into a downward spiral of same old habits.
A bit disappointing just when I thought I was making some progress in my programme another bit of my moral inventory rears it's ugly head and bites me. OUCH!
ANGER - been buried a long long time.
So now I have two other things to work on, having recognised a NEED in me, what do I do to get this NEED met and ANGER, how do I deal with it? Hm...haven't a clue.
HB
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"The highest form of wisdom is kindness." The Talmund
HB, I appreciate so much your responses to me and your prayers. I obviously am in no position to comfort you except to say I understand the feeling exactly.
The only way I can cope when these feelings of anger and anxiety and hopelessness grip me is to bury myself in a book, work crosswords, or find some kind of work project to do. It helps for just a bit. At night when I am trying to go to sleep and the brain just won't shut up and the feelings seethe, I pray and sometimes it isn't very sensible. More a chant and a plea, but eventually it soothes me off to sleep. I will remember you tonight.
My sponsor has gotten me on a letter-writing kick this year.
I have written several letters to people I am angry with, the top of the list being my oldest and alcoholic daughter.
I have not sent any of the letters, nor will I.
The purpose of the letters, for me, hasn't been to actually let them know how I feel and potentially add fuel to the dysfunctional family fire, but rather to get my anger out, and own it.
It has been a great release to me. I write a letter, then wait 30 days. I read it again, and if I need to add to it or change it, I do.
Eventually I get to the point where the anger has been released.
It's something you might want to give a try if you think it would help.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Those two companions -- lonliness and depression -- are the worst companions in the world. I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Love, Pray book and it's sad, happy, funny, profound, etc. She talks about loneliness and the journey she's on.
One of the alanonisms is "We go to the hardware store to buy bread." We look up and down the aisles keep expecting to find it. We might even look in the back shelves still expecting the bread to be at the hardware store and then we leave dejected because they don't have bread. That's the analogy for going to the right places to get our needs met. If we need companionship, we need to seek those that can give it to us and it's not the A or our dysfunctional families.
Have you found a face to face meeting? Keep coming here, keep posting and as Tenderheart recommends begin writing letters you will never send.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
I can really relate to the loneliness you speak of. Our family has not been the same since our parents passed away. It's like pulling teeth to get my sister to be a part of any family function. My sister is an A, and the most self centered person I know.
I will pray for you and your situation. I myself am very lucky to have a daughter who cares for me very much. I couldn't imagine life without her.
Finding a face to face meeting as Maria suggests will give you a group to relate to, and be a part of. Meanwhile we are all here for you, your family that cares.
Love and Blessings,
Claudia
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A person's a person no matter how small --Dr Suess
you do matter and you are special, unique and loved by your MIP family and your HP and probably more than you know
when I feel isolated, alone, empty..... I am on the slippery slope to depression and anger. Someone here once reminded me to check on the HALT too. Are you taking care of Hunger, Anger, Lonely and Tired? Letter writing anger sounds like a great suggestion and I have journaled out all the circular thinking or anger......then burn it and let it go eventually, after facing it & going through it. For a long time, I dealt with things in my mind like anger by putting them in boxes to forget. Eventually I had so many boxes ( like hundreds ), I just couldn't do anything at all. Therapy and meds for depression have helped me to understand and function but al anon is giving me tools to take healty & positive action.
keep posting and others here have helped me learn how they got similar needs met or how they dealt well or not so well with anger. I find and try hard to remember when I am struggling that the struggle itself means I am making progress too. You are making great progress by your awareness, posting and reaching out - well done!!! Hugs, ddub
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"Choices are the hinges of destiny." Pythagoras You can't change the past, but you can change the future.
The A did not call at all over Christmas. I spent every single Christmas I had with him waiting for him to acknowledge me and my needs. He did not. This year I acknowledged them. I think its sad he did not call. I did not call him to see what was happening. I have learned the hard way that I feel awful after talking to him. He chooses to "use"and I choose to let him be in HP's arms. I can do nothing to help him anymore.
I felt deeply deeply resentful most of my life on the holdays. This holiday I made it may own. I did not have a great time but it was much much much better than anything I have had for a long time.
