The material presented
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Hello, I am brand new here. I am feeling such guilt and grief and had no where else to turn, then I found this site. Just a little background.....my son went off the college 2 years ago and recently moved back home to finish school in our town. I had no idea that he had such a drinking problem until he moved back home. He has a great job and had a wonderful girlfriend. His girlfriend left him because of his drinking, then it really got bad. He calls in sick for work a lot, due to being hungover. I warned him several times that if he wanted to stay here, he had to stop all drinking and everything bad that goes along with it. Well, this morning he was laying in bed after a night of drinking and work was calling for him. I hit the roof. I told him to get his things and get out. He did. I have done nothing buy cry all day. I don't know where he went, or where he is. I feel like I have abandoned my son whom I love very much because he has an illness that he can't control. I don't know if I did the right thing or not. He needs help and I thought that just by loving him and talking to him about it, he would get better. He always promised to. He lied a lot to me and I am heart-broken about that. I feel like I am going through a grieving process that occurs when a loved one has died. Did I do the wrong thing? Should I have gotten him help? What is a mother to do when she sees someone she loves going downhill fast? Please help, I don't know what to do.
I am so sorry for your pain and grief, and yes, it is a grieving process when we realize our children are active alcoholics. I believe it is a death of sorts, of what we had hoped for when it comes to our children when they are grown.
I have a daughter who will turn 30 next month, and for the better part of 15 years, I tried everything imaginable to 'help'.
The truth of the matter is she is an adult, I can't fix her, and I have had to implement tough love in my life.
I gave her a chance to start over after she served 9 months in jail. In less than a month, she had turned the household upside down, dragged her then 15 year old sister into her insanity, and I showed her the door.
I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her.
Today I have faith that God has a plan for her, and I won't interfere with those plans.
She's going to have to hit a bottom, and I'm not going to enable her.
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"If a dog will not come to you after having looked you in the face, you should go home and examine your conscience." - Woodrow Wilson
Your story is mine, my friend. If you go back and read my posts over the past year you will find that this being the mother of the alcohol problem is a real heartbreaker.
I am in no position yet to offer much encouragement to you since my own life and my own soul is such a mess. But I want to say I understand fully your grief and heartbreak. You will find this site a good place to be and I will look forward to your posts. Maybe eventually I will be healthy enough myself to say something really helpful!!! I will pray for you and for your beloved son tonight. I know that there will soon be more responses to your pose and that you will find great knowledge and understanding here.
I am not in your situation (thank you very much God) but I can empathize with your indecision. Those here who have A's for children, I am sure, have tried everything possible, and I believe I would too.
Can you attend an AA meeting and talk to some folks there? The ones who are working the AA program will be able to help you with their ESH. Some of them may be willing to help with intervention, etc. Please get to some meetings where you can get help.
Welcome and keep coming. There's no magic fix, I am sorry to say, but you will find help, you will come to realize that there's no situation too great to be lessened.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
My only ESH is being in a group where a woman said: "i was killing him (LITERALLY) by doing what I was doing in trying to 'help' him." in reference to her young adult son (both sons, actually but she was talking about one in particular). It was shocking but this is what she said she needed to understand in order to detach and step back. She needed to see that every act (except the act of detachment) was an act of murder on her own child. Both of her sons are now in recovery and doing well and so is she, in al anon. This woman has more money than god, too. Every opportunity, treatment, facility, doctors, meds, even witch doctors in africa, native american shamans, therapies, etc. she tried everything anyone could ever think of over the whole face of the earth with these boys.
She finally learned that all that needed to be done is to let them go hit rock bottom and sort things out for themselves, alone. AND THEY DID, ALL BY THEMSELVES. J.
You're in the right place and "if you keep and open mind you will find help." (from the closing of our face to face meetings). Omajoy has a real important honest and sincere message. I would suggest you keep it near to yourself because some of the members here are as close to being in your shoes than can be imagined and shared experiences are very helpful in recovery. We help each other recover and grow by sharing what it was like, what we found out and what it is like now.
I didn't kick out my drinking using son, who because of a divorce degree I looked forward to have live with me for years. I got my wish when he was 18 and when he arrived he was fully addicted and I was recovering. I didn't kick him out I chose to leave him and go recreate my own drug and alcohol free life. I was sad and I was happy and I was safe from the active disease. We stayed in contact...close contact and I fully participated in the events of his life that occurred under the influence. I listened to the arrest stories. I listened to the fight and insanity stories. I took the phone calls from the emergency, "Dad I've been stabbed" on two occasions and the surprise visit and christmas message that I was to be a Grandfather without a daughter-in-law. I listened to the rant, "I want to talk with you but I don't want you to say anything." (chuckle) I got to be the first family to hold my first fetal alcoholic drug affected grandchild with a fulfilled expectation of what would come about for the next 13 years for sure. Hope, faith and prayers soften the reality and support the patience of those who love the alcoholic/addict and the consequences of this disease. I listened to the "I've quit for good" statement as he tried to convince me that his new found belief in God and Jesus Christ was more real and profound than the one I held from birth. He had traded addictions and there were positives in the trade. I had years of recovery in this program could be envolved without a trace of reaction. I had arrived at sanity and could hang with the insane...Been there, done that, don't have to anymore. I can leave without guilt, shame or worry and not utter a word of comment regarding the condition of event we were just party to. We accept the difference today and celebrate how far we have all come. I have shared my recovery program and awareness with him and his wife and 3 affected children without a smidgen of expectation that they would want what I have. My wife (17 years in this program) has done the same. Each time we do we let go of them and let them take what they like and leave the rest. We just experienced a Christmas camp out together. The last one was when the eldest was 9 (he's the alcoholic/addict not active). The 3 other adult children and 9 grandchildren total plus my wife and I were there. There was little to no trace of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction present. The manager mentioned that "he could always tell the people he could trust to do the right thing." This program works...if you work it and it won't happen over night just like miracles don't arrive when I demand them.
Keep coming back here. Look up the Al-Anon Family Groups hotline number in your phone book and get a schedule for their face to face meetings and go to as many as you can for 3 months then make a decision if this is right for you. Get and read as much literature as you get your hands on at the meetings and learn as much as you can about alcoholism...and you and alcoholism and reach out and ask for help without fear or shame. You are not alone. You are home. Sit down, listen, learn and practice.
Welcome to the MIP family. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine having a child who is addicted. It's hard enough with a husband. I have no esh for you. But I can offer you my love and prayers. You are not alone in this journey. There are plenty here who have been where you are. Please keep coming back to us.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It wasn't until I went to Al-Anon that I realized that my dreams for my son to be healthy and strong were causing me untold grief. I learned that I was spinning my wheels, thinking that somehow if I wished his life was different that magically it would change from drinking to sobriety. There is so much grief involved that all you can do is to get through it. Even then, it ebbs and flows in waves. I can sure extend my sympathy to you for what you experience while going through your child's drinking. This is not to mention what other's reactions heap upon you; the unsympathetic or disdainful relative, the neighbor, the fair weather friends.
Then I started to pay attention to my own life. What part of my life was left after the worry, attempts to cover up, the denial, the guilt, and the feeling that this cannot be happening to me? Al-Anon introduced the idea that acceptance of everything the way it is today, not the way I wish it would be, is a good way to start the healing process. Once I became aware of my non-productive and negative thinking, I started to change toward a calmer life. I slip back into worry until I catch myself and realize that I have a relationship with my higher power that carries me through each day.
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"If we do not change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed."
•:*¨¨*:•.•:* ♥¨*:•.•:*¨¨ *:• Ancient Chinese Proverb
This program works...if you work it and it won't happen over night just like miracles don't arrive when I demand them.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine having a child who is addicted. It's hard enough with a husband. I have no esh for you. But I can offer you my love and prayers. You are not alone in this journey. There are plenty here who have been where you are. Please keep coming back to us.